Dear Baby Bear- week 20

Dear Baby Bear,

So, this week, I have good news and not so great news. You'd think that since we've already had one baby die, that we would be blessed with a picture perfect pregnancy, but I guess that's just not the case.

Your father ended up being able to take the day off, so he did! And that was awesome! I had your 20 week appointment with my OB today- I still hadn't gotten a call about my ultrasound, so I just went to the appointment. I get there, and they ask when it is and I tell them that I still haven't scheduled it! So five minutes after I tell the nurse this, she comes in and tells me that it's at 2:30 later that afternoon- thank goodness I had that appointment at Parkhill (the office), or else I wouldn't have known!

Baby belly at 20 weeks!

The appointment went fine and your father took me out to lunch- we went to Kosmos! I love Kosmos- it's soooooo good. 

Lunch! I forgot to take a picture before I ate it all

We then took the dogs to the dog park to waste some time before your ultrasound. While there, I get a call from a nurse from the MFM office stating that they're running AHEAD of schedule! No one ever runs ahead of schedule! This meant that we could get in earlier than 2:30! 

At the dog park!

Thank goodness your dad had the day off, because this is when we received our "not so great" news. I get up on the table and the doctor puts tons of jelly on my belly (ha! I made that rhyme). He says that if he notices anything wrong, he'll let me know. Of course, my doctor doctor has the final say in diagnoses and what not, but he would give me a heads up. And then he was silent the entire time. I didn't know if I should take that as a good sign or not. The ultrasound ended up being about 45 minutes long, and at the end he says that everything looked just fine. He spent tons of time looking at your heart and somewhere in your abdomen (I'm assuming it was your kidneys he was looking at). I talked with the nurse practitioner who was viewing our ultrasound via telecom, and she said that you were a bit on the small side (greater than the 10th percentile, but less than the 30th) but everything looked fine. Your father and I then left to the waiting area to complete some paperwork when the genetics counselor called us back into the ultrasound room. Apparently, (and this is the not so great news) you have a two vessel cord- a single umbilical artery. Normally, an umbilical cord has three vessels- a single vein, and two arteries. But you only have one- you're already special! We're told that this could, and most likely is, the reason for your small size. We were also told that your heart and kidneys look perfectly fine, and that they weren't able to see any other signs of abnormalities. We will have an additional ultrasound sometime within the next ten weeks to check on your growth again and to double check for anything missed in this ultrasound.

From the small amount of research that I have done so far, I think you're going to be okay. SUA can be a sign of some pretty serious stuff. They didn't find anything else wrong, so there's a very small chance of you having any issues. Right now, I'm only allowing myself to worry about you having a low birthweight and/or being born preterm. If the doctors find more markers, then I will allow myself to worry more, but for now I'm only going to focus on what we know.

Happy Birthday Lilly-bug

A year ago today.
An entire year. Oh my goodness. It's gone by so incredibly fast, and yet so unbelievably slow.
A year ago today, I delivered a perfect little girl into this world. A little girl who would never take a breath outside of my womb. I carried her for 39 weeks and 5 days. Full term. And yet, she didn't survive. You think that once you get past the viability mark, you're baby will survive no matter what- at least, that's what we thought.

It's incredible how much I have changed in this past year. I am an entirely different person now because of my daughter. Before, I was happy, carefree, daring, invincible. Now, I know that I can be brought down and nearly destroyed. I now know what true happiness is, and I know the feeling of true heart break. I know that there will always be a reason to worry, that nothing is a given- that anything and everything can be taken from you in the blink of an eye. Nothing, and no one, is safe.

I used to be naive. Sometimes I wish I could have that back. But then I remember if I had that naivety back, I wouldn't have Lilly. And I don't want that. Despite the pain and hell I have gone through since her passing, I would never wish her away. I would relive this entire year if only I could hold her again. That's crazy, right? Wanting to deliver a dead baby again, recovering from that delivery, undergoing surgery to fix what went wrong on my end during delivery, the depression, the PTSD, the slight addiction to pain killers which I developed, the weekly therapy sessions, the months of infertility, the side effects from the infertility medications, the insensitive comments, the crying... So much ugly crying- the kind where you can't control yourself and every hole in your face leaks. But I would do it again. I would. Just to hold her. To see her face again. Just to feel her weight in my arms. To hold her hand, to look at her tiny toes, to search her face for likeness to my own.

You know what sucks the most? We wanted her. We wanted her from the beginning- before the beginning. Do you have any idea of all the testing and needles I endured just to get pregnant with her? The worry that something might have gone wrong because of a medication I took before we knew I had conceived? There are parents who have "whoops" babies all the freaking time. Drug addicts who become pregnant, mothers who leave their babies at the hospital- sometimes I like to think "why did mine die? Why not theirs? They don't even want their babies." It's frustrating. And I know we don't have it as bad as others- I've met mothers whose babies were conceived through IVF, and theirs were stillborn full term as well. It's their stories that hurt my heart even more. They wanted their child just as much as we wanted ours. They paid thousands of dollars just to conceive, and their child still wasn't safe. It's sad. This is an unfair world. An incredibly cruel, and unfair world.

And I hate that we can't watch her grow up. Instead, I watch other children who were born within a few weeks of her death and delivery. First birthday photos have started floating around Facebook. Chubby baby cheeks covered in frosting, adorable photo shoots... We don't get that... We didn't get to see her roll over for the first time, crawl for the first time, to take her first steps. I wasn’t even able to dress her-not even once. I'm not able to see what face she would have made if I were to give her a lemon slice. I haven't changed hundreds of diapers, cleaned spit up off my shirt, or cleaned poo from the bathtub. There have not been sleepless nights filly by a crying infant- instead, they were full of my own crying. I should have been planning her birthday party- I should have been decorating a cake in pink frosting. I may have even have waited to announce our current pregnancy till her birthday if she were still here. That would have been fun, wouldn’t it? Picture Lilly, with her big cheeks, a huge bow, her little toothy grin and waving with balloons around her and a shirt that says “Big Sister.”

This past year has been hard. Sooo incredibly hard. But you know what? It’s also been pretty great. Yeah, it’s been hell, but we have had so much love and support from all of our family and friends. And I have seen how God placed special people in my path this entire time. I didn’t know why I was so compelled to go to Madison Women’s Clinic when I knew I had fertility problems. At the time, I just felt like it was the right place to go. And now I know why- both of the OBs who practice there were so incredibly kind and caring after we learned of Lilly’s passing (they were cool before, but were so much cooler after). Turns out, both doctors had also experienced stillborn children. They knew the feelings and emotions and trials that my husband and I would go through. They had walked the path that we were now walking. And the nurses! I loved all of the nurses who ever took care of me. I got to know the receptionists over the two and a half years that I visited that office. When I returned for my six-week check up, they took me back and cried with me. They cried with me! I have been able to be there to support other mothers through similar circumstances because of what I have experienced. And because of our daughters passing, Mr. Barcenas and I have grown together like I never knew we could before. Our relationship has strengthened and solidified. Before, we had it good. Like any other couple, we would argue every now and then, and we loved each other. It really was a great relationship before. But now, we have a different kind of love. It’s deeper, and in my opinion, something that will be much harder to break or fade away. We’ve survived what I believe to be one of the most difficult trials that God could have thrown our way. And we are so much stronger because of this. I really think that’s been the best thing to come out of Lilly’s death- how my marriage is better.

I’m hoping that this next year continues to get easier, and that the pain will be easier to handle. I remember where I was at just nine months ago, and to compare that time with now is crazy- I’m in a much better place emotionally now, and I can handle my emotions better. Sure, I still cry, I still miss my daughter, and I still want her here, but my scars have thickened, and the same painful jabs don’t hurt as bad.

Dear Baby Bear- week 19

Dear Baby Bear, 



We are now at week 19- officially half way through (because we're delivering at 38)! Now if only the time could fly by for this next half like it has the last. Seriously, it seems just like last week when we finally told everyone that we were expecting. It feels like only last month we found out about you! 
Physically, I'm doing just fine. You’re still growing and seeming to be doing fine. I can find your heartbeat every time I look for it- it may take me a few minutes, but I still find you eventually.
Emotionally, I’m not doing so great. There are so many things that I want to do for you, that I want to get ready for you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I start seriously planning for your future that it's all going to disappear, just like your sisters. I've already started worrying about your delivery and how that's going to go. I realized just the other day, that no matter what- if you live or if you die- I will have to deliver you regardless. And that scares me. Delivering you breathing and crying would be amazing, and I am so ready for that- but if you're stillborn? Like your sister? I don’t know what I would do. That’s the part that scares me. If you were going to have died, I kind of wish you would have died earlier in the pregnancy- where I could have just miscarried you and have never seen your body. I guess this way, no matter what, you’re going to be real. There’s nothing that I can say or do to make you any less real. And I guess that’s for the best, but still. I don’t know what to think most days. My thoughts and feelings are just this big mess that goes back and forth from optimistic to pessimistic. I wish you could just be in my arms already. I’m ready to actively play the role of a mother.
Below, is my comparison of Lilly and you. I was about 20 weeks pregnant with her, and am only 19 with you. It's crazy how much bigger I've gotten this time, and so quick, too!

Dear Baby Bear- week 18

Dear Baby Bear,

It was my birthday this past week! We celebrated pretty much all weekend- it was fun. Abuela came over and made some tapatias, and she brought over a chocolate tres leches cake. It was delicious! 
I haven't been feeling you move around as often as you did a couple weeks before. You've also moved down lower into my pelvis. Your heartbeat has been harder and harder to find because of this. I haven't been feeling any pressure or anything, so I'm guessing you're okay. 
I don't really have much to report this week! Sorry. It's been pretty uneventful. I have yet to receive a call from the MFM for our ultrasound, and I haven't been having any hard/conflicting feelings regarding being pregnant with you and your sisters death. I am definitely bigger this time around (I'm also 20lbs heavier). The top picture is my 17 week bump comparison with your sister, and the bottom is today, at 18 weeks.

Oh! And I can no longer sleep flat on my stomach anymore- it's too uncomfortable. I now have to throw a knee out, so my body is angled out. Other than that, everything is going fine.