I'm starting something new!

Thanks to my amazingly talented and inspiring cousin, I am jumping onto the Beachbody bandwagon! She is a stay at home mom with three kids – all three and under! Her youngest is actually just a few months younger than Baby Bear. If she can find time to focus on eating healthy, exercise, care for herself and her growing family, I can too! Haha, I guess in a sense I also have three under three- WallE will be three in February, Eva just turned two, and of course Baby Bear has just entered his fourth month of life.

For everyone who is just now stumbling upon my blog, let me introduce myself. Hello! I’m Mrs. Barcenas, aka Momma Bear.

 I am married the most handsome men around, and we have two beautiful babies- an adorable little girl who passed away shortly before birth, and the cutest little man you ever did see! Lilly would be 20 months old if she were still here (so, 1 2/3) and Baby Bear is four months old. We also have two fuzz butts who we call family, WallE and Eva. Mr. Barcenas and I both work, but we love to spend time together as a family on the weekends. We typically go to the dog park or the off-leash lake that’s just outside of town.

Now, to talk about my weight and my relationship with food...

My weight has been something I’ve been conscious of and have struggled with my entire life. I’ve always been one of the “bigger” girls. 

2007, age 13

I love food- I love sweet things, I love carbs, I LOVE FOOD. And I hate exercise. Hate it. I hate sweating, I hate physical exertion, and I hate embarrassing myself in situations where you need to be even the slightest bit athletic. Food + no exercise= fat. At least for me and my body type- I have practically no metabolism. SO! I’ve always been a bigger person, I’ve had this love/hate relationship with food, and I decided to do something about it in junior high school/high school. I didn’t develop my eating disorder overnight- I didn’t just wake up one morning and decided that I wanted to restrict my calories to dangerous levels and to exercise obsessively. It happened over time. And overtime, I learned new destructive behaviors. A typical days worth of food for me consisted of one cup of plain cheerios (110 calories, and I would eat them three at a time), a small gala apple (80 calories), a single serving bag of chex mix (210 calories, eaten in a very strategic way) and as much water as I could possible drink. I would jog three miles each evening after band practice or work, and I would do callisthenic exercises late into the night when I was supposed to be sleeping. 

Christmas 2011, after I had stopped being stupid. Look how thin my face is! I started gaining weight after this.

Occasionally I would give into my hunger and I would binge on what I could find, and purge when I found the chance. I knew what I was doing was disgusting and destructive, but it was what I believed to be the best way for me to become what I wanted to be. At some point during all of this, I met my forever best friend and soul mate. With his help, I was able to put an end to my self-destruction. I still didn’t love myself, but I loved him enough to not hurt myself.

Prom 2012. That dress was a size 10 I think?

We got married in 2013 and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I was told that it would take at least a year (but up to three) of medical intervention to conceive a child. This was some serious news for me- all I had ever wanted was to be a mother, so we got a dog to love on while we waited for our children. 

October 2013, I had started my meds by this point and was in the process of losing weight.

I started some medications which had a weight loss side effect (I had gained weight after high school)- I got down to 165 and Mr. Barcenas and I conceived our first child. 

38 weeks with my Lilly-bug. Highest weight was 210

After a picture perfect pregnancy, Lillianna Marie was stillborn into this world. She weighed seven pounds, one ounce, and was twenty one inches long. While I was pregnant with her, I had been attending counseling sessions to help with my body image issues. I was determined not to teach my baby girl to hate her body the way I hated mine. I continued my counseling after she passed away and started taking antidepressants. I was back into my prepregnancy pants just weeks after her delivery. I began jogging again once I had healed enough physically, and I lost a bit more weight. 

Selfie with my jogging partner!

About three months later my OB/GYN determined that I was ready to start fertility treatments again, so I stopped taking my antidepressants. Stopping my meds turned out to be one of my smartest and yet not so greatest ideas. I started feeling my emotions again, which was great because I could work through them a little easier, but then again I started feeling my emotions again and I started eating. I tend to eat my feelings, which is why I gained the weight back after high school and why I skyrocketed up to 190 pounds shortly after I stopped taking my antidepressants. 

My husband and I were blessed to conceive our Baby Bear eight months after his older sister was delivered. Like practically every other pregnant woman, I didn’t take care of myself perfectly. I still ate decently and exercised, but I definitely ate more than my fair share of cold cereal. I ended up weighing somewhere around 220 at the end of my pregnancy. I don’t know my exact number- I’ve learned that numbers aren’t exactly my friend when it comes to me and my personality. 

35 weeks pregnant with BabyBear- I got HUGE!

I am now four months post partum and I’m back to sitting around 190. I’ve tried losing the weight myself- I've been walking 3+ miles almost every day, I eat about 1,700 calories a day, and I’m breastfeeding (side note- whoever said that all you had to do to lose weight after having a baby is to breastfeed is a liar). Stiiiiiiill no progress. I cant fit into my prepregnancy fat pants, and I finally broke down a couple weeks ago and went and bought a couple of pairs of jeans that DO fit. I don’t like the size that they are, but I am happy to finally have pants to wear out and about that aren’t made of a stretchy athletic material.

So, what are my goals?

-I want to be comfortable in my own body. I want to feel like I can go out into public without having to wear Spanx to control my mommy muffin top.

-I want to have more energy. I want to be the mom who has the ability to keep up with her energetic children.

-I want my body to be stronger. I want to be able to hold my son while standing for extended periods of time and not to get cramps.

-I do not want my family to be embarrassed for me, or about me. Like, I want my husband to be proud to be married to a hot momma, and I don’t want my son to be known for having the "fat mom."

-I do not want to be a slave to my food. I am addicted to eating all the wrong foods, and I’m tired of the cravings.

-I want my son and any future children I may be blessed with to grow up in a home that focuses on health habits.

-I want to be able to conceive my future children without the help of hormones and medications. I have been told that if I lose weight, my hormones will level out and it will be easier for me to get pregnant.

-I want my wedding rings to fit again! I've been wearing one of my old promise rings that was always waaaay too big, but right now it fits perfectly. I had to take my set off soon after becoming pregnant with Baby Bear. I never had to take them off when expecting Lilly!

It is my hope that the exercise programs provided to me, Shakeology, meal planning, and a bit of determination will help me become the woman I want to be! 

Dear Baby Bear- Month four on earth

Dear Baby Bear,

Wow! Four months already? That can't be right- it feels like just yesterday you were itty bitty! You have now more than doubled your birth weight. You weigh 15lbs and 15oz, and you're 26 inches long. That puts you at 85% for length and 61% for weight. You have grown SO much! Sometimes I wish you were still so tiny, but I am excited for all that you're leaning.

At the doctors office!

You love

-Talking to yourself

-Sitting up

-Standing up

-Smiling at everyone

-Having your feet licked by the dogs

-Kicking your legs

-Silly faces

-Having your clothes taken off

-When mommy comes home from work

and you DO NOT like

-Moms left boob (I've no idea why- you just don't like nursing on that side!)

-Being cradled

-Being alone

-Getting your nose cleaned

-Tummy time

-Being tired

-Taking selfies

-Being in the baby carrier for too long

This is your face during tummy time

We were informed this morning that you have a heart murmur. You had an echocardiogram in the hospital right after you were born and that came back clean, but your pediatrician heard your heart fluttering this morning. We don't need to worry about it just yet, but they will be making sure to listen to it and keep an eye on it at your future appointments.

When you were about three months old, you learned how to roll front to back. You did it soooo many times, and then you went through a growth spurt and didn't do it again. I believe it's because you got fat and lazy. You did however, prove to the pediatrician you could do it today at your appointment, so go you!

You laughed for the first time just the other day. It was this cute nosey little chuckle. I managed to get your second laugh on video!

So far, you only do it when you're getting naked. Does this mean you're going to be a nudist someday????

You're dad and I carved pumpkins for the first time together two nights ago. We had always been too busy in the past and didn't ever really have a reason to celebrate Halloween. Now we have you! We want to be one of those families that has all those silly traditions for every holiday. We even brought you along to a pumpkin patch to pick out our pumpkins! 

For his first time ever carving a pumpkin, I think your dad did GREAT!

What do you think? Mine is a scardey face, because I scare easily, yours is a baby (dad got to carve it, too!) and Lilly's is supposed to be a halo and angel wings. Next year I'll print out a template so I can do a better job on hers- maybe we will make yours a bear next year!

Lilly-Bug, BabyBear, Dad, and Mom!

Oh my goodness- you've been doing this super cute thing lately! Anytime you don't think anyone is paying attention to you, you start yelling and talking- it is SO funny and cute! I don't know if it's because you're trying to get my attention or if it's because you're entertaining yourself, but it's adorable.

Speaking of entertaining, look at your new toy! I totally scored with this one. Brand new, these things go for anywhere between $70-$90. Guess how much I got it for- go on, guess!

$35. Yep- thirty five dollars! Booyah! Technically it's used, but it looks brand sparkling new. It even makes all of the annoying sounds that it's supposed to. You still haven't quite figured out how to use it just yet, but you'll learn. For now you just enjoy sitting in it.

We moved at the beginning of this month. It's crazy how everything has worked out- God certainly has His hand in our lives! Your dad and I had started looking at houses and we found one that we REALLY liked, but someone bought it before we could put in an offer. This was a bit of a wake up call for us, and we realized that in order to get a house in the future, we we would need a larger down payment- just so we could pay as much as possible up front for the perfect house and possibly even out bid others if we needed to. We went over our finances and came to the conclusion that in order to save money quickly enough we would either need to move to cheaper housing or I would need to get a job. I did NOT like the idea of me getting a job. I didn't want to leave you! I don't (and still don't) like the idea of paying someone to watch you while I work. So I started looking for cheaper apartments. Our lease with Mountain Ranch wouldn't be up until December, but I wanted to start looking to see what all was out there. In my searching, I managed to stumble upon a leasing consultant job at a large apartment community. I felt the urge to apply, and before I knew it I was filling out the application online. I kid you not, not even ten minutes after I had hit the submit button, I received a call from the property manager. My job interview was scheduled for the next morning, and I called around to my friends to see who would be willing to babysit you for the hour or two I would be gone. Luckily one of my best friends was in town and her and her mother were excited to spend time with you. That was the first time I had ever been away from you. It was hard, but not nearly as difficult as I thought it might be. I didn't cry! You should be proud of me. Anyways, I drop you off and I go to the interview, and guess what. The manager liked me! She really liked me! She stared going over the benefits, hours, pay and whatnot- it would be 5:00-9:00pm Monday's Wednesday's Friday's, and every other weekend, and I would receive a discount on rent. All I could think I about was how perfect this job was for me! We would be saving $300 on rent alone (compared to what we were spending), I would be bringing home a paycheck, and you would only need a babysitter from 4:30-6:30 when your dad would pick you up! The manager was telling me all of this and I was just praying that she would hire me. She mentioned that she really liked me and my personality, but there was another girl she thought might do well with the job, too, and that she may have to think about it. We continued talking for another few minutes and she said "you know what? You're hired. Go to this place and take a drug test and you can start next week." WHOOP WHOOP! I got the job! I got the job! It's crazy how fast everything happened- I applied Monday, interviewed Tuesday, and we moved Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It was all super short notice, but it has worked out wonderfully. Remember how I mentioned that our lease wasn't up at Mountain Ranch until December? Well, they let us out of it early! Without having to pay any penalty charges! Our downstairs neighbors were soooooo annoying. They were those kind of people who are never happy, and always have to complain. They would call in noise complaints on us almost EVERY. DAY. I'm not even joking. It got so bad that the Mountain Ranch property manager went to their apartment, called me, and told me to make as much noise as I possibly could- I did as she asked and she noted that our noise was normal and within reason- even while I was stomping! She offered the evil downstairs people a new apartment that wasn't under us, but they refused to move. Because we ended up moving, they let us go for free! How perfect did that line up??? I've now been at my job almost a whole month and I love it. I get to interact with people, it's way crazy easy, and I have the opportunity to learn so much. You've been staying with your Abuela when I work. She loves spending time with you- you better be learning some Spanish while you're with her!

All in all, it's been an awesome month. You've started becoming less like a limp noodle and more like a fun interactive baby. We're all happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything better!

Dear Baby Bear- month two of LIFE

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now two months old! It's amazing what a difference one month can make.

You weigh 11 pounds and four ounces as of this morning, and you're 23.5 inches long. You wear size one diapers, and all of your newborn onesies are too small. Newborn pants still fit you around the waist, but are way too short.
You're getting so big!

You only wake up once or twice a night to eat- you usually go to bed around 9:00, wake to eat at 2:00/3:00, and then again around 5:00/6:00, and then you sleep until 8:00. I have no complaints about that! You've recently begun sleeping in your own bed. Occasionally you'll have a really fussy evening so I'll let you sleep the first stretch with me and you dad, and then I'll put you back in your pack'n'play after you've eaten.

You've been consistently smiling for a while now- it's amazing! I LOVE seeing your little face light up. We're still working on your head control, but you HATE tummy time so that's a little difficult.

Eva loves to join you for tummy time!

You love staring at the ceiling fan, and you have yet to show an interest in toys. You do, however, LOVE music, particularly music from the movie Frozen. I'll set you in the bouncer while I'm making dinner with the Disney station on Pandora playing in the background. As soon as "Love is an Open Door" or "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" comes on, you start kicking your legs and cooing- it's the cutest thing ever! (Hahaha- we're listening to pandora right now and you had just fallen asleep while nursing- "Let it go" came on and you woke up)

Yeah, this is you, staring at the fan

You received your shots this morning- you did great! You screamed for less than a minute, and you've been taking your Tylenol willingly- even excitedly! You really seem to like grape (I really like grape, too!). You've slept for most of the day, and have cried the rest of it. But that's okay, I still love you. It's important to me that you receive you immunizations. A little discomfort on both our ends is a sacrifice I'm willing to take (I can't say the same for you, but I think a small jab in the leg is much more comfortable than meningitis).

Before shots

after shots

It saddens me that your growing up because I want you to stay a tiny baby forever, but I am so excited for what lies ahead! You'll be walking and talking before I even know it. I am sooooo not ready for that just yet. For now, I'll keep trying to soak in as much of this infant stage as possible.

Mandatory naked baby picture 

Dear Baby Bear- month one

Dear Baby Bear,

You are one month old- that is so crazy! It feels like you've been in our lives forever and yet again it feels like you joined us just yesterday. 

In these past few weeks:

-You smiled! And I think it was an almost on purpose smile? It definitely wasn't just a gassy smirk. I was making faces at you, and you made one back! It was the biggest, gummiest, happiest newborn baby smile EVER! You completely melted my heart. You've also started practicing your smile more. Soon you'll be giggling!

-You also growled at me! Yeah- you read that right- GROWLED. I was nursing you, you popped off, glared at my breast, growled, and then buried your face right back into me. It was the funniest thing! 

-You finally pooped on me! I was putting butt paste on your butt (duh- where else would I put it?) and pffffft! Out the poop came! It was like projectile poop. Guess that's what happens when I've got your legs in the air!

-You still aren't a big fan of baths, but you don't scream bloody murder anymore

-Tummy time is beginning to entertain you more 

-You're still wearing newborn sized clothing and diapers, but you're starting to get too long for your sleepers

-You LOVE to sleep with me and daddy, and you HATE sleeping in your own bed at night 

-Your head control is becoming much better

-I think we FINALLY have this whole nursing thing down! It doesn't hurt anymore!

Dear Baby Bear- week three of LIFE!

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now three weeks old! Oh my GOODNESS! The time has just flown by. We had been told that it would, and I'm begging that it slows down! I don't want you to get big- I want you to stay small forever and ever. You're easier to cuddle that way! And you're incredibly stinkin cute as an itty bitty baby. I really should have gotten this letter written and posted within the first week of your life, but I have been soaking you in and learning how to adjust being a family of THREE now.



Your delivery into this world was similar to your sisters- incredibly easy and quick! The only differences is that you're alive and I didn't develop a hematoma this time. I'll post the detailed version later.

We've had a few bumps in the road regarding your health- when we left he hospital, your bilirubin levels were at 5.4- higher than normal, but not bad. Just a few days later though, it was up to 17 and you were dehydrated. You refused to stay awake to nurse, so I had to pump and practically force feed you every few hours. You lost almost an entire pound in your first three days of life. I realize that it's normal, but it still scared the heck out of me! Thankfully you never had to be hospitalized and we finally have everything worked out. You're back up to birth weight (you were actually 2oz heavier at your appointment last week) but now we're working on your belly button problems. You have an umbilical hernia and umbilical granuloma- both of which you can blame on your SUA. Our pediatrician isn't worried about your hernia- your guts aren't sticking out or anything, but your granuloma is still oozing. We've had two silver nitrate treatments done to it so far, and it's still really gross. But I've finally found a way to keep your clothes from being stained by the blood and the ooz! Panty liners! They stick to your shirt, and your belly button can still get airflow! I thought it was a GENIUS idea.

So far, you're an incredibly easy baby. You sleep, eat, and poop. You've peed on me almost every day, and haven't had any poopy blow outs yet. You do NOT like sleeping in your bed- you prefer to sleep next to me in mommy and daddy's bed. You're still wearing everything in a newborn size, and even then some clothes are still too big! The dogs acknowledge your existence, but they don't really try to interact with you- Eva will bring you a ball every now and then, when neither daddy or I will throw it for her.

I am so incredibly blessed to be your mother. I am loving every moment we have together, even the ones when you're screaming because I've sprayed saline up your nose. It's hard to imagine that I should have been doing all of this with your sister just a year ago. Now that we have you, she's beginning to seem like a distant dream instead of my past. I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. Isn't that funny? Me feeling horrible because I'm finally happy and no longer dwelling on her death? She's definitely still a part of our family and I think of her often, but it's just in passing and I don't linger on those thoughts for long. Our family finally feels like its almost right again.

And now, some of my favorite pictures of you from your first few weeks of life!

I can really see the resemblance between you and Lilly in this photo

You were not happy about being in the car at this point in time!

You were stretching, and I happened to catch this lovely face!

Baby Bear's Delivery

Alright, so- BIRTH STORY! My mother, Mr. Barcenas, and I all arrived at the hospital at 5:00pm Friday evening. 

Last puppy cuddles before Baby Bear joins us!

(Dad doesn't smile for selfies) Last selfie before entering the hospital!

My OB decided that it was best to use cytotec to soften my cervix and then we would start pitocin on Saturday, the 25th (we did the same for Lilly's delivery). I was barely a fingertip dilated, maybe %50 effaced, and baby hadn't dropped at all when we went in. I received my first dosage of cytotec at 6:00pm, my second double dosage at midnight, and we started pitocin at 6:00am on Saturday! The cytotec didn't soften my cervix as much as my doctor would have liked, but it worked a bit (when I say "a bit" I mean not at all). By 7:30 I had dilated to about 3cm and the pitocin was increased. My nurses continued to up the pit every hour until around 10:00. This is when my OB came in to do a cervical check and OH. MY. GOSH. I'm no newb when it comes to checks- this is my second baby. But for some incredibly crazy reason, I could not to stand them while pregnant with Baby Bear! They were SO painful! This last one was particularly bad. I was trying to climb my way up the top of the bed while Doctor was trying to feel where baby was at. It felt like he was trying to dig his knuckles into the area I had my hematoma, which is/was still tender. Sooooo not fun at all. It was because of this that we decided to place the epidural before they'd break my water. Epidurals are the most amazing thing in the history of amazing things- seriously. Oh! And my anesthesiologist! He had the most calming, level toned voice. It was like a caring monotone. So crazy. Anyways, so I get the epidural, doc breaks my water (which feels way cool- he kept pressing on my belly and it kept gushing out) and the pit is increased some more. Around 11:45 I was dilated to a stretchy 5, and the nurses note that Baby Bears heart rate was dropping a bit during contractions- this is completely normal for a baby who is engaged in the birth canal, but Baby Bear wasn't, so it was weird and a bit worrisome. And scary! Once they told me he was having decelerations, I was like "okay! Prep me for surgery! We're getting him out NOW!" Of course I didn't say all of that in reality, I was just thinking it. But I worried. I knew before that it was very likely we would have some decelerations because of his cord abnormality, but I was hoping and praying we wouldn't. My nurses flipped me onto my sides to get his heart rate back to where it was supposed to be- I had to stay on my right side (it's the only one baby liked!) and the epidural really numbed me up. Do you have any idea how weird it is not to be able to feel an entire side of your body? It's so freaking cool!

I looked like a beached whale!

 12:45 comes along and I'm about 8cm and baby STILL hasn't dropped. 1:30 and I'm 10cm, and baby is only around -2. He just wanted to stay up there in my ribs and never come out, but too bad so sad! He was being evicted. 1:30 my nurse asks me to do a few practice pushes and I oblige- baby comes down into my pelvis a bit but goes right back up when I'm no longer applying pressure. Doctor is called but he's away delivering one of the other four babies that would be born within a few hours of each other that day. Of course it's once I'm told this I can feel my body pushing Baby Bear out on its own! Doc finally shows up after what feels like forever (but is only a few minutes) and out pops Baby Bear at 1:47- and I bawled like a baby! While they were setting everything up and transforming the delivery bed, I just looked at Mr. Barcenas and started crying. I can think about the experience now and I just feel all these overwhelming emotions- I don't even know how to describe them all. Worry, anxiety, excitement, grief, happiness, sadness, anger, love- I think I pretty much experienced every feeling possible in those last few moments before Baby Bear came into our lives. 

Okay- back to the story. So. 1:47. I think I only pushed for three contractions? Our little boy popped out and he was blue and covered in vernix and my OB was suctioning fluid from his mouth and he wasn't crying. This is the moment when I experienced the longest seven seconds of my entire life. These seven seconds seemed to last an eternity. The entire time, I prayed. I prayed that Baby Bear was safe- that he would breath that first breath of life and that he would cry. In those seven seconds I promised God that I would never find my baby's cries annoying, that I would never get angry because he was being too loud. I'm pretty sure I promised a whole bunch of other stuff, too, but I can't remember what those promises were. 

And then finally- a cry! It was a little one, but it still counts! And I just BAWLED my head off- I was sobbing and laughing and smiling and just sooooo grateful he was okay. I was able to just hold him and look at him and cuddle his cute little body and soul while the placenta was delivered (it came out really quick this time, too) and my doctor fixed me up. I didn't have any tearing, but I was able to have a bunch of scar tissue from Lilly's delivery removed. His APGAR scores were 8 and 10, he weighed 7lbs11oz, and was 21 inches long- just as long as his sister, but a whole 10oz heavier! And two weeks earlier! 

Recovery this time around has been so much easier. I wasn't nearly as swollen, I didn't tear, I didn't develop a hematoma- it's been great! I am definitely counting my blessings. After I delivered Lilly, I didn't want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay there as long as possible- I think it was because I didn't want to face reality. With Baby Bear, I couldn't WAIT to leave. We had to stay the mandatory 24 hours and it felt like forever- I just wanted to get home to cuddle my baby in my own comfy bed. We were able to leave around 3:00 Sunday afternoon, so we were there for a total of 46 hours. 

Daddy holding Baby Bear for the first time

First bath in the hospital!

Leaving the hospital with a BABY!

Eva checkin up on him