Dear Baby Bear- Month four on earth

Dear Baby Bear,

Wow! Four months already? That can't be right- it feels like just yesterday you were itty bitty! You have now more than doubled your birth weight. You weigh 15lbs and 15oz, and you're 26 inches long. That puts you at 85% for length and 61% for weight. You have grown SO much! Sometimes I wish you were still so tiny, but I am excited for all that you're leaning.

At the doctors office!

You love

-Talking to yourself

-Sitting up

-Standing up

-Smiling at everyone

-Having your feet licked by the dogs

-Kicking your legs

-Silly faces

-Having your clothes taken off

-When mommy comes home from work

and you DO NOT like

-Moms left boob (I've no idea why- you just don't like nursing on that side!)

-Being cradled

-Being alone

-Getting your nose cleaned

-Tummy time

-Being tired

-Taking selfies

-Being in the baby carrier for too long

This is your face during tummy time

We were informed this morning that you have a heart murmur. You had an echocardiogram in the hospital right after you were born and that came back clean, but your pediatrician heard your heart fluttering this morning. We don't need to worry about it just yet, but they will be making sure to listen to it and keep an eye on it at your future appointments.

When you were about three months old, you learned how to roll front to back. You did it soooo many times, and then you went through a growth spurt and didn't do it again. I believe it's because you got fat and lazy. You did however, prove to the pediatrician you could do it today at your appointment, so go you!

You laughed for the first time just the other day. It was this cute nosey little chuckle. I managed to get your second laugh on video!

So far, you only do it when you're getting naked. Does this mean you're going to be a nudist someday????

You're dad and I carved pumpkins for the first time together two nights ago. We had always been too busy in the past and didn't ever really have a reason to celebrate Halloween. Now we have you! We want to be one of those families that has all those silly traditions for every holiday. We even brought you along to a pumpkin patch to pick out our pumpkins! 

For his first time ever carving a pumpkin, I think your dad did GREAT!

What do you think? Mine is a scardey face, because I scare easily, yours is a baby (dad got to carve it, too!) and Lilly's is supposed to be a halo and angel wings. Next year I'll print out a template so I can do a better job on hers- maybe we will make yours a bear next year!

Lilly-Bug, BabyBear, Dad, and Mom!

Oh my goodness- you've been doing this super cute thing lately! Anytime you don't think anyone is paying attention to you, you start yelling and talking- it is SO funny and cute! I don't know if it's because you're trying to get my attention or if it's because you're entertaining yourself, but it's adorable.

Speaking of entertaining, look at your new toy! I totally scored with this one. Brand new, these things go for anywhere between $70-$90. Guess how much I got it for- go on, guess!

$35. Yep- thirty five dollars! Booyah! Technically it's used, but it looks brand sparkling new. It even makes all of the annoying sounds that it's supposed to. You still haven't quite figured out how to use it just yet, but you'll learn. For now you just enjoy sitting in it.

We moved at the beginning of this month. It's crazy how everything has worked out- God certainly has His hand in our lives! Your dad and I had started looking at houses and we found one that we REALLY liked, but someone bought it before we could put in an offer. This was a bit of a wake up call for us, and we realized that in order to get a house in the future, we we would need a larger down payment- just so we could pay as much as possible up front for the perfect house and possibly even out bid others if we needed to. We went over our finances and came to the conclusion that in order to save money quickly enough we would either need to move to cheaper housing or I would need to get a job. I did NOT like the idea of me getting a job. I didn't want to leave you! I don't (and still don't) like the idea of paying someone to watch you while I work. So I started looking for cheaper apartments. Our lease with Mountain Ranch wouldn't be up until December, but I wanted to start looking to see what all was out there. In my searching, I managed to stumble upon a leasing consultant job at a large apartment community. I felt the urge to apply, and before I knew it I was filling out the application online. I kid you not, not even ten minutes after I had hit the submit button, I received a call from the property manager. My job interview was scheduled for the next morning, and I called around to my friends to see who would be willing to babysit you for the hour or two I would be gone. Luckily one of my best friends was in town and her and her mother were excited to spend time with you. That was the first time I had ever been away from you. It was hard, but not nearly as difficult as I thought it might be. I didn't cry! You should be proud of me. Anyways, I drop you off and I go to the interview, and guess what. The manager liked me! She really liked me! She stared going over the benefits, hours, pay and whatnot- it would be 5:00-9:00pm Monday's Wednesday's Friday's, and every other weekend, and I would receive a discount on rent. All I could think I about was how perfect this job was for me! We would be saving $300 on rent alone (compared to what we were spending), I would be bringing home a paycheck, and you would only need a babysitter from 4:30-6:30 when your dad would pick you up! The manager was telling me all of this and I was just praying that she would hire me. She mentioned that she really liked me and my personality, but there was another girl she thought might do well with the job, too, and that she may have to think about it. We continued talking for another few minutes and she said "you know what? You're hired. Go to this place and take a drug test and you can start next week." WHOOP WHOOP! I got the job! I got the job! It's crazy how fast everything happened- I applied Monday, interviewed Tuesday, and we moved Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It was all super short notice, but it has worked out wonderfully. Remember how I mentioned that our lease wasn't up at Mountain Ranch until December? Well, they let us out of it early! Without having to pay any penalty charges! Our downstairs neighbors were soooooo annoying. They were those kind of people who are never happy, and always have to complain. They would call in noise complaints on us almost EVERY. DAY. I'm not even joking. It got so bad that the Mountain Ranch property manager went to their apartment, called me, and told me to make as much noise as I possibly could- I did as she asked and she noted that our noise was normal and within reason- even while I was stomping! She offered the evil downstairs people a new apartment that wasn't under us, but they refused to move. Because we ended up moving, they let us go for free! How perfect did that line up??? I've now been at my job almost a whole month and I love it. I get to interact with people, it's way crazy easy, and I have the opportunity to learn so much. You've been staying with your Abuela when I work. She loves spending time with you- you better be learning some Spanish while you're with her!

All in all, it's been an awesome month. You've started becoming less like a limp noodle and more like a fun interactive baby. We're all happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything better!

Dear Baby Bear- month two of LIFE

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now two months old! It's amazing what a difference one month can make.

You weigh 11 pounds and four ounces as of this morning, and you're 23.5 inches long. You wear size one diapers, and all of your newborn onesies are too small. Newborn pants still fit you around the waist, but are way too short.
You're getting so big!

You only wake up once or twice a night to eat- you usually go to bed around 9:00, wake to eat at 2:00/3:00, and then again around 5:00/6:00, and then you sleep until 8:00. I have no complaints about that! You've recently begun sleeping in your own bed. Occasionally you'll have a really fussy evening so I'll let you sleep the first stretch with me and you dad, and then I'll put you back in your pack'n'play after you've eaten.

You've been consistently smiling for a while now- it's amazing! I LOVE seeing your little face light up. We're still working on your head control, but you HATE tummy time so that's a little difficult.

Eva loves to join you for tummy time!

You love staring at the ceiling fan, and you have yet to show an interest in toys. You do, however, LOVE music, particularly music from the movie Frozen. I'll set you in the bouncer while I'm making dinner with the Disney station on Pandora playing in the background. As soon as "Love is an Open Door" or "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" comes on, you start kicking your legs and cooing- it's the cutest thing ever! (Hahaha- we're listening to pandora right now and you had just fallen asleep while nursing- "Let it go" came on and you woke up)

Yeah, this is you, staring at the fan

You received your shots this morning- you did great! You screamed for less than a minute, and you've been taking your Tylenol willingly- even excitedly! You really seem to like grape (I really like grape, too!). You've slept for most of the day, and have cried the rest of it. But that's okay, I still love you. It's important to me that you receive you immunizations. A little discomfort on both our ends is a sacrifice I'm willing to take (I can't say the same for you, but I think a small jab in the leg is much more comfortable than meningitis).

Before shots

after shots

It saddens me that your growing up because I want you to stay a tiny baby forever, but I am so excited for what lies ahead! You'll be walking and talking before I even know it. I am sooooo not ready for that just yet. For now, I'll keep trying to soak in as much of this infant stage as possible.

Mandatory naked baby picture 

Dear Baby Bear- month one

Dear Baby Bear,

You are one month old- that is so crazy! It feels like you've been in our lives forever and yet again it feels like you joined us just yesterday. 

In these past few weeks:

-You smiled! And I think it was an almost on purpose smile? It definitely wasn't just a gassy smirk. I was making faces at you, and you made one back! It was the biggest, gummiest, happiest newborn baby smile EVER! You completely melted my heart. You've also started practicing your smile more. Soon you'll be giggling!

-You also growled at me! Yeah- you read that right- GROWLED. I was nursing you, you popped off, glared at my breast, growled, and then buried your face right back into me. It was the funniest thing! 

-You finally pooped on me! I was putting butt paste on your butt (duh- where else would I put it?) and pffffft! Out the poop came! It was like projectile poop. Guess that's what happens when I've got your legs in the air!

-You still aren't a big fan of baths, but you don't scream bloody murder anymore

-Tummy time is beginning to entertain you more 

-You're still wearing newborn sized clothing and diapers, but you're starting to get too long for your sleepers

-You LOVE to sleep with me and daddy, and you HATE sleeping in your own bed at night 

-Your head control is becoming much better

-I think we FINALLY have this whole nursing thing down! It doesn't hurt anymore!

Dear Baby Bear- week three of LIFE!

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now three weeks old! Oh my GOODNESS! The time has just flown by. We had been told that it would, and I'm begging that it slows down! I don't want you to get big- I want you to stay small forever and ever. You're easier to cuddle that way! And you're incredibly stinkin cute as an itty bitty baby. I really should have gotten this letter written and posted within the first week of your life, but I have been soaking you in and learning how to adjust being a family of THREE now.



Your delivery into this world was similar to your sisters- incredibly easy and quick! The only differences is that you're alive and I didn't develop a hematoma this time. I'll post the detailed version later.

We've had a few bumps in the road regarding your health- when we left he hospital, your bilirubin levels were at 5.4- higher than normal, but not bad. Just a few days later though, it was up to 17 and you were dehydrated. You refused to stay awake to nurse, so I had to pump and practically force feed you every few hours. You lost almost an entire pound in your first three days of life. I realize that it's normal, but it still scared the heck out of me! Thankfully you never had to be hospitalized and we finally have everything worked out. You're back up to birth weight (you were actually 2oz heavier at your appointment last week) but now we're working on your belly button problems. You have an umbilical hernia and umbilical granuloma- both of which you can blame on your SUA. Our pediatrician isn't worried about your hernia- your guts aren't sticking out or anything, but your granuloma is still oozing. We've had two silver nitrate treatments done to it so far, and it's still really gross. But I've finally found a way to keep your clothes from being stained by the blood and the ooz! Panty liners! They stick to your shirt, and your belly button can still get airflow! I thought it was a GENIUS idea.

So far, you're an incredibly easy baby. You sleep, eat, and poop. You've peed on me almost every day, and haven't had any poopy blow outs yet. You do NOT like sleeping in your bed- you prefer to sleep next to me in mommy and daddy's bed. You're still wearing everything in a newborn size, and even then some clothes are still too big! The dogs acknowledge your existence, but they don't really try to interact with you- Eva will bring you a ball every now and then, when neither daddy or I will throw it for her.

I am so incredibly blessed to be your mother. I am loving every moment we have together, even the ones when you're screaming because I've sprayed saline up your nose. It's hard to imagine that I should have been doing all of this with your sister just a year ago. Now that we have you, she's beginning to seem like a distant dream instead of my past. I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. Isn't that funny? Me feeling horrible because I'm finally happy and no longer dwelling on her death? She's definitely still a part of our family and I think of her often, but it's just in passing and I don't linger on those thoughts for long. Our family finally feels like its almost right again.

And now, some of my favorite pictures of you from your first few weeks of life!

I can really see the resemblance between you and Lilly in this photo

You were not happy about being in the car at this point in time!

You were stretching, and I happened to catch this lovely face!

Dear Baby Bear- week 35

Dear Baby Bear,

Lookin' pretty cute!

YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I had my weekly appointment today, like I do every Wednesday, and I had an NST done, like I've had done for the past few weeks. My doctor is out of town this week, so I ended up seeing a different doctor at the practice, who I will call Substitute Doctor. I get hooked up to the NST machine, and they nurse finally finds a good spot to put the heart rate monitor, and then she leaves. You're wiggling around like always, I'm marking your movements like I'm supposed to, but I'm also watching the screen and the printout of our test. What's wrong with it this week? Your heart rate isn't accelerating like it normally does and it's slower than normal, too. Today, you were hanging out in the 130-145 range. Normally, you hang in the 145-150 range, and it goes all the way up to the 170s while you're kicking around. It wouldn't do that today! We just had this nice flat line- like you were sleeping, only you WEREN'T. You were moving and jumping around (I ate an orange, two bananas, and a bunch of grapes before going in to my appointment). I tell the nurse that I'm uncomfortable with the results, and she takes the readout to the Substitute Doctor and leaves me hooked up to the machine. She comes back five minutes later and says that the doctor said it was fine. Uhm, excuse me? That's not fine- that's not normal for you, how could this be fine? So I get my shirt settled over my big belly once again and we go to the exam room to wait on the doc. He comes in, and I tell him I'm not happy with the NST. He says you look perfectly fine and asks me about kick counts. I tell him I can get 10 within an hour during your active times, but you haven't been moving nearly as much as normal the past few days. "Babies start to run out of room towards the end of pregnancy." Thanks for that little tidbit, doc, but I was told that just a WEEK before my daughter passed away. "You want more reassurance that this baby is doing okay, and there's no way that I can give that to you." YES YOU CAN! You can keep me on the machine for longer than 15 minutes- you can take me in for a biophysical profile to make sure everything is going great. GAH! Obviously, Substitute Doctor is an idiot and I will not be seeing him again. Want to know the super freaky part about all of this, though? On January 19, 2015 I was 35 weeks pregnant with your sister. I went in for an NST, and the nurse wasn't happy with the read out- she wasn't seeing the heart rate accelerations she wanted to see. So you know what SHE did? She kept me hooked up for over an hour and made sure I had sugar in my system. I'm 35 weeks and four days pregnant with you right now. Oh the similarities! You're still moving around, so I guess you're okay in that sense for right now. I've emailed my normal doctor and have asked him to review the scan as soon as he gets back to the office, and I've got this fuzzy picture out to a few of my lady doctor friends to see what they think of it.

(like I said, not exactly the best photo)

This whole pregnancy after loss is a freaking nightmare!

The biggest difference so far between my pregnancy with you compared to your sisters is that you hardly ever have the hiccups. Lilly would have them 10+ times a day- it was almost as if she never stopped hiccuping. I only notice you hiccuping every other day or two- it isn't a daily occurrence, and for that I am grateful. Shortly after your sister passed, I scoured the Internet looking for signs of cord compression- things that I should have noticed and reported, but never did. The biggest one I found was excessive hiccuping... I'm still kicking myself for thinking they were funny and cute... If only I had known then what I know now... It probably wouldn't have changed much since she passed all her NSTs and BPPs, too, but would have been nice to know...

I haven't been talking about her or my feelings as much in these letters as I did toward the beginning. I think that's because I'm trying to put on a brave face for those that read my posts.

How about we have a little "to be honest" moment?

To be honest, I'm scared. I really truly am. We are nearing the end of my pregnancy with you, and I'm scared I won't be able to take you home. I keep putting off the purchase of your car seat- I really don't want to have it sitting in the car, or sitting in the living room, just staring at me, constantly reminding me that we never used your sisters (it wouldn't fit in a closet and I hated the reminder, so we gave it to a family in need). I'm afraid that we will have to walk away from the hospital empty handed again. I'm afraid to really truly get everything prepared for you. I'm afraid to buy any clothes larger than 0-3 months (SIDS... It scares me). Buying clothes for you even scares me- how likely is it that you will come home to us and wear them? I'm afraid to finish the blanket that I'm knitting you, and I'm afraid to start any more sewing projects that would be convenient to have when you arrive. And the whole NST 35 week thing from today really freaks me out...

And yet, I am so very excited and hopeful. I packed your diaper bag- it may be hiding in the back of my closet (and will probably stay there until your father brings it to the hospital the morning we are being released) but at least it's packed! It was a hard thing to do, too. Who'd have thought that throwing together a few outfits and a blanket would be difficult? Stupid anxiety... I'm excited to see your face, to see what you look like. Obviously you'll look like your father, but there's a chance you'll have some of me in you! I'm excited to plan for your future- my anxiety currently makes that incredibly difficult, I can't seem to plan past your delivery, but once you're here it will be easier.

I am now going to go sit in bed and eat an entire pineapple by myself. Why? Supposedly it's supposed to help soften the cervix! If you're coming out of that thing in a little less than three weeks, we've gotta get it prepped! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 34

Dear Baby Bear,

Welp, we've got another technically unnecessary triage trip under our belt! I ended up shopping for 4ish hours this weekend (memorial day sales!). I got home and had this maaaassive headache that just would not stop! My stomach was also really tender, and I had a terrified moment where I thought that I could have had an unknown placental abruption with you, too. I called my doctors office's after hours line, and the nurse said that if it didn't stop within an hour of taking Tylenol then I should go get checked over just in case (possible preeclampsia). That was around 7:30pm. So I took the drugs, aaaand waited. And waited. Neither ache had let up by 9:00, so off to the hospital your father and I went! Turns out nothing is wrong, I probably just over did it. You were moving around like crazy on the monitor and I had no other signs for pre e. The triage nurse who saw me was super cool, I liked her. But the NP who came around was a total jerk. She gave me a sad exasperated look when I told her I had an abruption with Lilly and that's part of the reason why I came in, and she said "you think the baby and the headache are related?" Uhm, RUDE! I came in because the on call nurse TOLD me to come in, and I also came in because my stomach was tender- a common symptom of a placental abruption! Duh. She then went on to try and treat me like I just came in to get drugs for the headache... I didn't like her... I just keep thinking about the look on her face when she said that, and I get more and more angry. Like, who CARES if I think the headache could be related to how my baby is doing??? Would she have said "you think your swollen feet and your baby are related?" or "you think your bleeding and your baby are related?" (Not that I have swollen feet or have bled this entire pregnancy- I'm actually really lucky and haven swelled up any). It just really irks me. I don't feel as if she was taking me very seriously. My instructions are to try caffeine for the headache and to take it easy for the next few days. It's 10:30pm by the time she tells me this, so there is no way in heck I'm drinking any caffeine- momma needs her beauty sleep. Besides, I didn't go in to be treated for the headache. I came in to be double checked that everything was still looking okay. I came in because I had a common symptom, of a dangerous condition, that wouldn't go away via traditional methods. 

On the bright side, my relief society threw me a baby shower! And it was super incredibly cute!!!! The hostesses did an amazing job with decorations and it was way crazy fun. We received some very thoughtful gifts, and some incredibly CUTE outfits for you to wear!

I'm also becoming more and more optimistic about your arrival. I'm having more days where I believe that you'll actually be coming home with us. It's really nice, this feeling of hope. I like it. I really hope I can keep it going. 

Oh! And I triple checked with the doctor- were still set for June 25! Just under four more weeks! 27 days!!! And because we're getting closer to your induction date, that means we're getting closer to the time when MiMi comes to visit! We're so totally going to go shopping for you. Daddy doesn't like to shop, so I'm waiting till she gets here to go with me. Hopefully by then I won't be too afraid to buy you the very few things I'd still like to have before your arrival.

Dear Baby Bear- week 32

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at 32 weeks, and look at your cute little face!!

You're so stinkin cute already. You've got your daddy's nose, and we were able to see some hair on the back of your head during the ultrasound. You're measuring right on track, and you weigh about 4lbs6oz. I had the ultrasound technician double check your heart and kidneys for me- they all look great!
I realize it's been a while since I've written. Like always, not much has happened in the weeks I've been silent. I haven't had any more scares from you, you've been moving around just fine, and you don't like sharing your momma! I'm babysitting an almost three month old, and every time he falls asleep in my arms you try to kick him away! It's super cute and really funny.
As I'm writing this, I'm super crazy excited and happy and totally reassured you're doing just fine because of the ultrasound (which was literally less than ten minutes ago). I haven't been like this lately, though. I've been freaking out about if you really are okay in there, if you really are developing correctly, if we're going to be able to take you home or not. I hope and pray that we will be. Right now I'm feeling confident that you will- ask me again in a few days and you'll probably have a different answer.
We only have 5 1/2 more weeks (I'm writing this at 32+4)! That's only 39 more days!

I took the bump shot this morning- see my shirt? Notice how it just barely fits my tummy? Yeah- that's because of you, kid. But I love you!!!! And I even love the stretch marks you're putting on my butt.

Dear Baby Bear- week 30

Dear Baby Bear,

29 weeks

I realize that I have skipped a few weeks again, and I apologize for that. We've just entered into the boring, never ending stage of pregnancy. Nothing hardly ever changes, and there aren't really all that many new updates. Sorry Baby Bear.
Once again, you gave me a good scare. This last Wednesday night, your father and I made the first of what will probably become many trips to the hospital.

your dad looks so happy! doesn't he? 

Why did we go? BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUBBORN (but very much loved) CHILD! Wednesday started out as a super good day- I was determined to be a good pregnant lady and I went for a walk with WallE. We walked two miles, and then I made some delicious pancakes (there goes the good pregnant lady award) and showered. Typically, you're pretty active around 11:00. 11:00 rolls around (about an hour and a half after I've eaten my pancakes) and you're not moving very much. I would occasionally get a little jab, but it was nothing like your normal self. I decided that since you were still moving a bit that I would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you were okay. I also figured that maybe you were just being a bit lazy and that you'd be active later. Well guess what! Later came around, and NOTHING. Still hardly any movement from you. Do you have any idea how freaky that is??? You go from being this super cool, crazy active acrobat into some slug. That is NOT okay. Your father and I ate dinner around 7:30- I took my meds with a big glass of apple juice and eat three Popsicles afterwards and waited. Aaaaaand I waited. And still nothing. You were still alive (heartbeat of 143), just not kicking. 8:30 is when you're the most active- it's when your father is able to feel you moving the most. Only this time, there wasn't any movement! So we left for the hospital. We got there around 9:00, a nurse dude let me back into the triage area, and a different nurse lady hooked me up to an NST machine. And guess what?? We could hear you moving around! I just couldn't feel you. She blamed it on my anterior placenta, and she talked to me like it was normal not to feel consistent movement all the time from you (she also talked to me like I was a bit of an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that). My only problem with her thinking is that I HAVE been getting consistent movement from you- I've been getting consistent movement since about 24 weeks. Why the sudden change? Why would you all of a sudden change your movement pattern? Why could I not feel you all of a sudden? That's what worried me the most- the change. Since then you've been your normal self (thank goodness). If anything you're a bit more active, and I'm okay with that.

We're entering our 30th week together, which means we only have eight more weeks. We have a tentative induction date set for June 25- my doctor is making a special exception for me. June 25 is a Saturday, and they don't normally induce on the weekends. He's on call that day, though, and says he'd be willing to do it then. And that makes me so happy! There's an end in sight 😊 we have a day to look forward to, and to countdown to! My next appointment is in about 2 1/2 weeks, and we will be having an ultrasound done. It's technically a growth scan, but I'm going to see if the tech will check on a few other things for me. I'm not happy with my level two ultrasound that was done ten weeks ago (ten! Ten weeks!) so I will be asking if they can quickly check your heart, kidneys, and where your cord is floating around (in addition to all the other normal stuff). I know the cord will most likely move from the position it's in after the ultrasound, but I want to know. I worry about it. It's what killed your sister, and it's what has killed many other babies.

Physically I'm still doing great- getting off the couch is a bit of a challenge, but is manageable. Im capable of getting on and off of the floor safely and easily, and I can still climb two flights of stairs (that's becoming a bit more difficult, only because you're squishing my lungs). I'm still doing all of our dog grooming, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up until delivery. I save sooooo much money doing it myself, and the dogs are much more comfortable with me doing it than someone they don't really know.

please excuse my non-attractive silly face

Your father and I got a larger vehicle! We had a tiny Ford Fiesta, and we upgraded to a Ford Escape. The fiesta would only safely allow one single specific type of car seat in the back, and that's with the front passenger seat pushed forward uncomfortably. We can pretty much put anything in the escape. We can also fit three car seats along the back and BOTH DOGS in the car- it's a family car! I absolutely love it. I also love how easy it is to get in and out of- you just have to slide in- not difficult for this pregnant lady at all! Sometimes I wish we had made the switch earlier, just because it's so much more comfortable to be in a larger car, but it's worked out perfectly for us to make the switch now.

Dear Baby Bear- week 27

Dear Baby Bear,

This week has been an emotional one. It started out pretty good! I reread some of my old journal entries and blog posts from the months after your sister died. It's so incredible to see how far I've come in the almost fourteen months since her death. I have made so much progress, even though somedays I still have my moments (I'll always have those moments, I realize). I look back on those entries, and it's like I can feel the pain again- but it's not the same pain, it doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's just a memory of the pain. I was reading, and all I could think was "wow." I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come. And of course, I'm not doing this description any justice, I'm probably just really confusing you. Gosh darn me and my way with words! I really wish I were more eloquent.
So, that was the beginning of the week. Then about midweek I had a freak out. Other than your SUA, everything seems to be going perfectly fine. And that scares me! I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with Lilly, and look how that turned out! Based on my experience, normal pregnancy=death.
This whole past week (more like weeks) I have been finding it incredibly hard to connect with you. I can't imagine that there is a two pound baby rolling and kicking inside of me. I realize that there is, I just can't "see" it in my mind. My brain wants me to believe that it's just some sort of weird internal stomach twitching, that this is all just a dream, like I just ate something weird and my body is reacting a weird way. I can't imagine your surviving... I keep having dead baby dreams- dreams in which I am told you no longer have a heartbeat and I have to deliver your lifeless body. I've been having them almost every night. My subconscious self already has your headstone picked out and your funeral planned. To make this all worse, I'm now afraid that because I keep dreaming and believing that you're going to die, that you are actually going to. There's a word that I'm looking for, but I can't seem to remember what it is... When you believe in something so hard that it actually happens? Yeah, well, apparently it's a real thing.
And then, just this weekend, jealousy, anger, and self pity have all reared their ugly heads back into my life. Why make their appearance now?
Four brand new babies... Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday (two of which were firstborns, the other two were second).
I am so incredibly happy for these mothers- I really truly am. Yes, I am jealous of their seemingly perfect deliveries and babies. Seeing their flawless little children with eyes wide open breaks my heart, but it only breaks because I never had that chance with Lilly-bug. I am so incredibly grateful that they do not have to face the same pain that I have. And it is not them that I am angry with. I am angry because I don't understand why. Why did it have to be my child who passed away? Why am I the one who has been assigned this burden? For one of these mamas, I have no feelings but happiness for. Her first was stillborn just a month after Lilly, and my heart truly rejoices for her and her husband on the safe arrival of their second child. Two mothers I have mixed feelings for- I don't know too much of their personal histories, but my self pity tries it's hardest to reach in and steal the joy I have for them. And then the last one? I don't understand. It's one of those families that you would never wish a child to be knowingly brought into- and that's what makes me saddest. That's when the "why me"s pop in their hardest. Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it to you more in person. Maybe I'll just hand you my personal journal and let you read the entries for this past weekend...

27 weeks!

What's new this week? Well, I've taken off my wedding rings- they were a tight fit on Thursday morning, so I figured it was time to take them off before they got stuck on during my afternoon swelling. Also! You have learned that my cervix is incredibly entertaining to hit. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but you enjoy it. And it's VERY uncomfortable! Pregnancy still sucks, I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to carry your life (even if I have trouble imagining you), and I am still incredibly in love with you and the idea of bringing you home. Oh! And we're officially in the third trimester! Which means only eleven more weeks!

Dear Baby Bear- week 26

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now entering week 26! Once again, an uneventful week. How boring! I want to start our weekly appointments already. With Lilly I started them at 28 weeks, but this doc wants to start them at 32. We shall see what happens! Since I don't have much to say, I figured I'd fill in one of those obnoxious-yet-satisfying pregnancy blog update post things.... So! Here we go-

How far along are you? 26 weeks! 12 more to go

How I’m feeling: I'm feeling pretty good! I still have incredible heartburn and I've started having some pain in the joints where the sacrum and iliac connect, but other then that I'm fine.

Total weight gain: No idea. I don't like to focus on my weight- it's not good for my OCD personality. I'm definitely getting bigger, that's for sure!

How big is baby? Assuming that you're a normal size, you're almost two pounds and just over 14 inches long. It's incredible to think that you're this large already! Most of the time, I'm still imagining you as apple sized. I've been googling pictures of 26 weeks gestation premie babies, and it's crazy to think that you're so big, and yet still so small!

Maternity clothes: Wait, I'm supposed to be wearing clothes??? Hahaha! Most of the time, I just walk around the house in one of your dads shirts and some underwear! When I do have to get dressed, I do wear my maternity pants and a maternity shirt (or one of your dads shirts again). I can still squeeze into my medium sized t-shirts still, but they're starting to recede a little too far on my belly now.

Sleep: I’m pretty lucky for a pregnant lady- I sleep through the night! I go to bed around 9 or ten, and then wake up to go to the bathroom once around 6, snooze till 7, and then I'm up for the day. Occasionally I'll take a nap during the afternoon, but only on super lazy days. I'm still kind of sleeping on my tummy, and laying on my back has become impossible.

Movement: I've been getting some pretty awesome kicks out of you lately! I tried uploading a video of my tummy moving and you going crazy, but it wouldn't work. Your father can just lean against my belly now and feel you moving around.

Food Cravings: Mimi's rolls, Chex mix, soda- oh my gosh, the soda! I'm constantly craving a Coke or a Dr Pepper. I'm a good pregnant mommy though, and I only drink one maybe once a week. Your father and I try not to keep soda in the house, because we end up drinking it way too fast.

Food aversions: Still, with the chicken.

Belly button in or out: Its in, but it's definitely getting flatter

What I Miss: Ease of movement! Getting off the couch is becoming quite difficult. As is getting in/out of the car.

What I’m looking forward to: My next doctors appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to scheduled our next ultrasound then.

Milestone: Uh. I don't know. You're still alive and kicking? Does that count as a milestone?

OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT! You scared the CRAP out of me the other day! I wake up at seven, like I normally do on the weekdays and I shower and eat breakfast, and I notice that during the almost two hours I had been up and awake, Eva hadn't left my side. She was always trying to touch me, to lean up against me, and was just super clingy. She isn't always like that, only when she's sick and she wasn't sick this time. And that, my dear Baby Bear, is when I realize I didn't wake up to you kicking me, and I hadn't felt you since being awake. Talk about freak out moment! So I grab the Doppler and start searching for your little heartbeat. It took me a few minutes, but I finally found you- thankfully! At this point, I'm calming down because your heart is still beating at 144 beats per minute, but I'm still worried because you're not wiggling around like you normally do. I had a pretty sugary breakfast, so the only thing left to do before driving to the doctors office was to drink cold water (or juice, but I didn't have any juice) and lay down. You're supposed to wait thirty minutes to an hour after doing everything you can to get baby moving before going in. IT TOOK YOU TWENTY FREAKING MINUETS YOU LITTLE STINKER!!!!! Gosh! Were you trying to give me a heart attack? Cuz if you do, we'll both be dead! I don't think your father would be too fond of the idea of a dead wife and two dead children. Everything has been fine since that one freak out moment, and it's like you know you worried me because you've been moving around more than before since that day. I'm hoping and praying that this is just you reassuring me, and not some warning sign of cord compression (excessive movement and reduced movement are both signs of cord compression. Oh, and excessive hiccuping).

Look at all the puppy cuddles you've been getting!

Dear Baby Bear- week 25

Dear Baby Bear,

24 week comparison with your sister! I feel as if I was the same weight, my belly would be about the same size

I know, I know. I skipped another week. There just wasn't anything to say! There isn't a whole lot for this week, either. I had my 24 week appointment this past Wednesday. Totally boring and uneventful. My doctor didn't know about your SUA yet, though, so I guess that could count as exciting. Apparently, UAMS (the place I went to for the level 2 ultrasound) sent over a report stating that everything was perfectly fine and there weren't any abnormalities. That is definitely NOT what they told me. So my doctor is supposed to be getting ahold of them and figuring everything out. I did my glucose testing and haven't heard anything back about that, so I'm guessing I passed- no news is good news!
I also "toured" the hospital in which I will be delivering you in. Turns out, I picked one of the most baby friendly hospitals ever, and I love that! They're crazy pro breastfeeding, kangaroo care, rooming in, etc. They don't even supply pacifiers- parents are encouraged NOT to use them (which I totally understand, but you're going to be a binky baby). They also really encourage birth plans, which I think is super stupid. I've never liked the idea of birth plans, and the lady showing me around was incredibly insistent that I have one. My birth plan? Get you out safely with as little physical harm to me as possible. I'll probably eventually write something up... I've already started on some rules regarding visitors for when you finally arrive. I know that sounds kind of silly, but you'd be surprised at how many ignorant people there are out there! That, and I'm super paranoid about you getting sick- one of your aunts was hospitalized with RSV when she was a baby, and your Great Aunt T (who Lilly is buried next too) passed away from RSV as well. I've already had one baby die, I don't want you to die too. I promise that someday I'll be less of a helicopter parent. But for now, and probably the first few years of your life, I will be there every step of the way ensuring your safety. I'll let you eat dirt when you're a bit older, and I won't care too much if Eva licks your face and eats Cheerios right out of your mouth. Heck, I might even start letting you play with knives and matches (in a safe controlled environment) when you're four! But there will be rules and you will be taught how to be safe, because I won't always be there to protect you. That makes me sad to vocalize (or, visualize, since I'm typing this). I will try my darn hardest to be there, though! For as long as I can.
As I'm writing this, you are happily (well, I'm assuming you're happy) rolling around in my stomach. I've felt a few punches today that were aimed at the placenta, hopefully this just means you're getting stronger. I am loving every single movement that you make, and I am enjoying every uncomfortable moment of this pregnancy with you. 

Have I talked about how you're already getting up into my ribs? You have been, for at least two weeks now. Oh, and the heartburn? Absolute hell. But I love it, and I love you.

25 weeks! Happy Easter!