Hope

I am seriously too damn optimistic! I haven't even ovulated yet for this cycle and I've already planned some stupid way to tell Juan that I'm pregnant. Like, I've already bought everything and hidden it away so he can't find it. Last time I just threw the stick at him. This time it will be much cuter! 

I'm so excited, and it aggravates me. What if I don't get pregnant again this month? I'm just going to crush myself. And yet I can't seem to let the hope fade- the hope that we will be blessed with another child soon. I hope and pray that we are. I would love to have a child to fill my empty and aching arms. 

One of those days

Today is one of those days when I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I would experience the emotional and physical pain of delivering my stillborn daughter and reliving the hell I've been through just to hold her again. Just to hold her. She wouldn't even have to breath, I just want to feel her weight in my arms again. I would LOVE it if she took a breath and continued on living, but I know thats not possible. Heck, I know going back in time isn't possible, but I would still take the opportunity if it arose.
I have a confession to make.... I can't remember what she looked like. Yeah, I can look at her photos, but I personally cannot remember what she looked like. I can't remember her face as I saw it when I held her. I can remember all the imperfections that have been edited out of her photos. I can remember the feeling of her still weight in my arms. I remember thinking that she was so tiny, and yet so big at the same time. I remember not wanting to jostle her too much. At one point, I let her head tilt, and blood came out of her nose. I was so afraid that I was hurting her. I knew I wasn't, I knew she was gone, and yet the fear was still there. I didn't even unwrap her from the swaddle the nursed brought her to me in. 

Ha. When I was waiting for my photos to get in, I was so worried that I would never know what her butt looked like, or her ears. I never actually LOOKED at them. And I felt like a bad mom. How many other mothers wish they could get a good look at their babies butts? Funny, huh? There are so many things I wish I could go back and redo. I wish I had taken more "bump" photos, more videos of her moving, more recordings of her heart beat. This is the only one I have, and she has the hiccups. I love it so much :) It's from my appointment on December 29, I was in the middle of a non-stress test and she decided to be silly.

I miss her so much. I wish I had gotten to know her better here on earth. I really don't want to have to wait to see her again. I know I have to, but I don't wanna. I just want my baby back. 

I saved a life today

Wanna hear about how I saved a baby's life? Okay, okay. I didn't physically save a baby's life, but I sure did help! I am not sharing this because I'm proud, or because I like playing hero. I am sharing because it may inspire others to speak up when they feel the need to. That, and it's just such an awesome and amazing experience and I want to share it :) 

On one of my loss-moms Facebook support groups, a mother posted about how she was 38 weeks pregnant, and her baby had started doing these weird rythmic movements. He was head down, and the movements were too big to be practice breaths, and not quite right for hiccups. Well, I happened to have a video recording of Lilly doing JUST THAT VERY THING on February 12, just a week and a half before she was stillborn. That's when she started doing it. She had never done so till a week and a half before all hell broke loose. I showed the video to my OB and he said she was doing those movements because her cord was compressed. I felt as if I needed to tell the mother this. Maybe her situation would be different than mine, and her son would be okay and it's just some little quirk he has. But what if I was right? What if her sons cord was compressed, too? If I didn't tell her, and her child died, I would feel so incredibly guilty. I would feel as if I was to blame because I hadn't done anything about it- I hadn't shared my experiences knowing that the knowledge I have could save her and her baby. 

So told the worried mother. And apparently I freaked her out enough to go and visit L&D (THANK GOODNESS!) Turns out, her son was in distress and she had to have an emergency c-section right then. Her and her son are doing just fine now, but wow! Imagine what would have happened had I NOT said anything??? This sweet momma had already suffered three miscarriages. I can't even begin to imagine what a stillbirth would have done to her. There are so many emotions going through me because of this experience. Some of them are confusing and I don't understand them, but the biggest is happiness, and relief. I am so glad that I saw that post when I did- that I was able to share my experience and help her. 

This is the video I mentioned. Please excuse the dogs playing in the background. I placed the TV remote on my stomach so that my mom would be able to see Lilly moving easier (I sent this video to her in a text). It was very unlike Lilly to move so much. She never really was the most active baby. She really enjoyed stretching :) These kinds of movements would last anywhere between ten minutes to three hours. 

My feelings and new moms.

It's like everyone around me is getting pregnant, except for me. I now have six friends that are pregnant. And I'm happy for them! I truely am! But I'm also jealous. And I'm hurt that I had to find out some other way than from themselves. None of them told me face to face. It's like they're afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, you know what? Lots of things hurt my feelings. It hurts seeing newborns at the grocery store, at church, on campus. It hurts just passing the baby section in Walmart and Target. It hurts that you're pregnant within your first four months of trying for a baby. It hurts that you get to experience the joy of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the baby bloat, the hormones- all while I'm stuck over here with the pain of rupture cysts and being sick and hormonal because of fertility drugs. It hurts knowing that I will have to watch you and your baby grow together. And it hurts knowing that I'm not going to be joining you for quite a while yet.

But I'm so happy for you- I'm glad that you get to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I'm glad that you are going to have this time to spend with your child. Please, cherish it. You never know how long you will have with you baby. It could be just a few short weeks, or it could be a few years. Maybe even a lifetime. You never know. That's something I wish I had done more while I was pregnant with Lilly- cherishing my time with her. I wish I had paid more attention to her rolling and kicking. I wish I had found joy in the nausea and food aversions. I wish I had never complained about her feet in my ribs. If I could go back in time, I would have found joy in every single little annoying and painful part of my pregnancy with her. Instead of crying because of the back and round ligament pain, I would have recognized that I was experiencing such pain because my daughter was growing, that she was healthy and big and that I should be thankful for the pain and it's meaning. Instead of being annoyed by the kicking that kept me up at night, I would have counted each and every movement and punch and recognized them for how beautiful they were.

So new momas, please, enjoy your pregnancy. Be thankful for the opportunity that you have to give life to a new child. Love that baby from the very beginning and never stop loving them. Find the joy in the not-so-joyful moments of pregnancy. And please, do not be afraid to talk to me! Yes, my daughter died, but I'm just like every other mother. And in case you didn't know, her death is not contagious. Talking to me will not kill your child. I love talking about my pregnancy with Lilly, sharing what little time I had to sustain her life. Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm always going to be hurting, it's my new normal. I want to celebrate the life you are creating with you. I want to be happy for you and share in the excitement. 

And, surprisingly, I've found that it's easier to be less sorry for myself if I'm talking to a pregnant mom. It's easier for me to be involved than it is to be watching from afar. So! Talk to me :) feel free to text or message me anytime you feel like. If I'm out with the dogs, come join me! Talk about your baby and your hopes and dreams for them. Tell me about the nursery your are planning, and names you have picked out. I love feeling included. And please remember, I love you all! And I really am happy for you :) 

Optimism

Why do I have to be so darn optimistic all the freaking time? You would think I love to get my hopes and dreams crushed... It's official, I'm not pregnant this month- yay. This always happens. I tell myself "This is it!" or "I'm finally going to be able to do blah-blah-blah!" and then I can't, or it doesn't happen. All the time. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, and yet I always do. Even now, I'm telling myself not to get my hopes up for next month, but I can feel the excitement building in the background. I know I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment, but what can I do? I guess that's just what kind of person I am.

I ovulated!

9-21-15
Turns out, I actually ovulated! So the pain was totally worth it :) oh, did I tell you the pain was because of a ruptured cyst? OUCH! Anyways. My cycle day 22 progesterone levels were at 33, which means the clomid did the trick and I released an egg. Now time to wait and see if it gets fertilized and implants. Yay for waiting 😒

If you're wondering

This was posted on one of the support groups I'm a part of, and OH MY GOSH- THE TRUTH! Just- please, read.