Hope

I am seriously too damn optimistic! I haven't even ovulated yet for this cycle and I've already planned some stupid way to tell Juan that I'm pregnant. Like, I've already bought everything and hidden it away so he can't find it. Last time I just threw the stick at him. This time it will be much cuter! 

I'm so excited, and it aggravates me. What if I don't get pregnant again this month? I'm just going to crush myself. And yet I can't seem to let the hope fade- the hope that we will be blessed with another child soon. I hope and pray that we are. I would love to have a child to fill my empty and aching arms. 

My feelings and new moms.

It's like everyone around me is getting pregnant, except for me. I now have six friends that are pregnant. And I'm happy for them! I truely am! But I'm also jealous. And I'm hurt that I had to find out some other way than from themselves. None of them told me face to face. It's like they're afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, you know what? Lots of things hurt my feelings. It hurts seeing newborns at the grocery store, at church, on campus. It hurts just passing the baby section in Walmart and Target. It hurts that you're pregnant within your first four months of trying for a baby. It hurts that you get to experience the joy of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the baby bloat, the hormones- all while I'm stuck over here with the pain of rupture cysts and being sick and hormonal because of fertility drugs. It hurts knowing that I will have to watch you and your baby grow together. And it hurts knowing that I'm not going to be joining you for quite a while yet.

But I'm so happy for you- I'm glad that you get to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I'm glad that you are going to have this time to spend with your child. Please, cherish it. You never know how long you will have with you baby. It could be just a few short weeks, or it could be a few years. Maybe even a lifetime. You never know. That's something I wish I had done more while I was pregnant with Lilly- cherishing my time with her. I wish I had paid more attention to her rolling and kicking. I wish I had found joy in the nausea and food aversions. I wish I had never complained about her feet in my ribs. If I could go back in time, I would have found joy in every single little annoying and painful part of my pregnancy with her. Instead of crying because of the back and round ligament pain, I would have recognized that I was experiencing such pain because my daughter was growing, that she was healthy and big and that I should be thankful for the pain and it's meaning. Instead of being annoyed by the kicking that kept me up at night, I would have counted each and every movement and punch and recognized them for how beautiful they were.

So new momas, please, enjoy your pregnancy. Be thankful for the opportunity that you have to give life to a new child. Love that baby from the very beginning and never stop loving them. Find the joy in the not-so-joyful moments of pregnancy. And please, do not be afraid to talk to me! Yes, my daughter died, but I'm just like every other mother. And in case you didn't know, her death is not contagious. Talking to me will not kill your child. I love talking about my pregnancy with Lilly, sharing what little time I had to sustain her life. Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm always going to be hurting, it's my new normal. I want to celebrate the life you are creating with you. I want to be happy for you and share in the excitement. 

And, surprisingly, I've found that it's easier to be less sorry for myself if I'm talking to a pregnant mom. It's easier for me to be involved than it is to be watching from afar. So! Talk to me :) feel free to text or message me anytime you feel like. If I'm out with the dogs, come join me! Talk about your baby and your hopes and dreams for them. Tell me about the nursery your are planning, and names you have picked out. I love feeling included. And please remember, I love you all! And I really am happy for you :) 

Optimism

Why do I have to be so darn optimistic all the freaking time? You would think I love to get my hopes and dreams crushed... It's official, I'm not pregnant this month- yay. This always happens. I tell myself "This is it!" or "I'm finally going to be able to do blah-blah-blah!" and then I can't, or it doesn't happen. All the time. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, and yet I always do. Even now, I'm telling myself not to get my hopes up for next month, but I can feel the excitement building in the background. I know I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment, but what can I do? I guess that's just what kind of person I am.

I ovulated!

9-21-15
Turns out, I actually ovulated! So the pain was totally worth it :) oh, did I tell you the pain was because of a ruptured cyst? OUCH! Anyways. My cycle day 22 progesterone levels were at 33, which means the clomid did the trick and I released an egg. Now time to wait and see if it gets fertilized and implants. Yay for waiting 😒

If you're wondering

This was posted on one of the support groups I'm a part of, and OH MY GOSH- THE TRUTH! Just- please, read. 

Mrs. Jumbo

Remember the movie, Dumbo? Remember how the mom elephant (Mrs. Jumbo) kept waiting and waiting for a package from the stork, but every bundle of joy that came close to her either went to the left, or to the right. Well, I'm here to say that I know how she feels. So many women around me are getting pregnant and having healthy babies- it's depressing. Seeing what you want most, being given to someone else. I guess it wasn't the greatest idea to watch Dumbo this afternoon. Too many triggers in everything... I need to just live under a bridge...

Side effects

I knew clomid had side effects, but I didn't think they would be this bad! Intense cramps, headache, back ach, nausea, dizziness and light headedness, fatigue... Oh, and the bloating! If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant. Seriously, I'm huge right now. In the past two days, I have gained seven pounds. SEVEN! Just look at me! 

Normally, my stomach stops way before my boobs. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the smallest person, but I'm normally way smaller than this. Even my husband noticed that I've gotten larger. And it's only been the past two days! It's crazy how fast it all happened. And the cramping? Holy cow! It was so bad  yesterday I couldn't even ride my bike home from work. It was impossible to even jump on the bike. I called my doctors office and told them about it, and they've scheduled me for an ultrasound to see if I have ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). That, and I have a blood test to see if the drugs worked. Let's hope they did! Or else all this pain would have been for nothing. 

"You're still young, you can have more."

After Lilly died, I quit my first job. I was working with mentally and physically handicapped adults. One of my co workers asked me if I was coming into work the day I was delivering her (I was supposed to be on maturity leave). That was okay. She didn't know I had stopped working the week before.  Then, one of my managers asked me to work on the day of her funeral- after I had informed them of what had happened and what days I would be gone. That, and I was supposed to be ON MATERNITY LEAVE! Gah... I worked for them for over two years and that's how they treated me. Made me so mad.

So I quit. And now I work for a new company. I'm an in home caregiver for the elderly and the handicapped. I love it. I still get paid to do service, and I get to listen to their stories as I work. My least favorite part? Not knowing how they will react when I tell them that my one and only baby has died. Here's how the conversation normally goes:

"Are you married?"

"Yep! Just over two years now."

"Oh, now wonderful! Do you have any children?"

And this is where it gets interesting....

"Yes and no? I've a daughter who recently passed away, so yes I have a child, but none living."

They always ask how she died, so I tell them that she died shortly before she was born, that it was a cord accident. And then they do one of two things- they either express their condolences, or they say "oh, well, that's okay I guess. You're still young, you can have more."

Uhm, excuse me? My baby dies, and you tell me that I can have more? While that may be possible, it might also not be. It's like you're treating my child like a dog. "Oh your puppy died, but don't worry, you can get another." To me, that's pretty messed up. She's my CHILD. Not some pet that I can replace. 

Trying to Conceive

So, I figured out today that we've been officilly trying to conceive (ttc) for over a year now. We tried and prayed for over seven months to get Lilly, and now we've been trying for six months since her death. I know that's not long at all compared to some other women, but it's more than long enough for me. Please remember that I had a full term baby in that one year mix. So now we've been waiting for a living baby for over two years. 

Have you ever heard that women are more fertile after delivering a full term baby? I've heard that, too, and am calling bull crap on the statement. Why can't I be like everyone else, who gets pregnant super fast without problems and then has a living child at the end of ten months? I'm doing what I'm supposed to- I'm eating right, exercising, keeping in touch with my OB. Heck, I'm even on 200mg of clomid and I still don't ovulate. Oh the joys of infertility! I've one more round of clomid to go before my doc moves me on to some other treatment. Hopefully we won't need to move on to other stuff. The side effects from the clomid and provera are bad enough. I don't want to imagine how bad the stronger meds will be.