Dear Baby Bear- week 30

Dear Baby Bear,

29 weeks

I realize that I have skipped a few weeks again, and I apologize for that. We've just entered into the boring, never ending stage of pregnancy. Nothing hardly ever changes, and there aren't really all that many new updates. Sorry Baby Bear.
Once again, you gave me a good scare. This last Wednesday night, your father and I made the first of what will probably become many trips to the hospital.

your dad looks so happy! doesn't he? 

Why did we go? BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUBBORN (but very much loved) CHILD! Wednesday started out as a super good day- I was determined to be a good pregnant lady and I went for a walk with WallE. We walked two miles, and then I made some delicious pancakes (there goes the good pregnant lady award) and showered. Typically, you're pretty active around 11:00. 11:00 rolls around (about an hour and a half after I've eaten my pancakes) and you're not moving very much. I would occasionally get a little jab, but it was nothing like your normal self. I decided that since you were still moving a bit that I would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you were okay. I also figured that maybe you were just being a bit lazy and that you'd be active later. Well guess what! Later came around, and NOTHING. Still hardly any movement from you. Do you have any idea how freaky that is??? You go from being this super cool, crazy active acrobat into some slug. That is NOT okay. Your father and I ate dinner around 7:30- I took my meds with a big glass of apple juice and eat three Popsicles afterwards and waited. Aaaaaand I waited. And still nothing. You were still alive (heartbeat of 143), just not kicking. 8:30 is when you're the most active- it's when your father is able to feel you moving the most. Only this time, there wasn't any movement! So we left for the hospital. We got there around 9:00, a nurse dude let me back into the triage area, and a different nurse lady hooked me up to an NST machine. And guess what?? We could hear you moving around! I just couldn't feel you. She blamed it on my anterior placenta, and she talked to me like it was normal not to feel consistent movement all the time from you (she also talked to me like I was a bit of an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that). My only problem with her thinking is that I HAVE been getting consistent movement from you- I've been getting consistent movement since about 24 weeks. Why the sudden change? Why would you all of a sudden change your movement pattern? Why could I not feel you all of a sudden? That's what worried me the most- the change. Since then you've been your normal self (thank goodness). If anything you're a bit more active, and I'm okay with that.

We're entering our 30th week together, which means we only have eight more weeks. We have a tentative induction date set for June 25- my doctor is making a special exception for me. June 25 is a Saturday, and they don't normally induce on the weekends. He's on call that day, though, and says he'd be willing to do it then. And that makes me so happy! There's an end in sight 😊 we have a day to look forward to, and to countdown to! My next appointment is in about 2 1/2 weeks, and we will be having an ultrasound done. It's technically a growth scan, but I'm going to see if the tech will check on a few other things for me. I'm not happy with my level two ultrasound that was done ten weeks ago (ten! Ten weeks!) so I will be asking if they can quickly check your heart, kidneys, and where your cord is floating around (in addition to all the other normal stuff). I know the cord will most likely move from the position it's in after the ultrasound, but I want to know. I worry about it. It's what killed your sister, and it's what has killed many other babies.

Physically I'm still doing great- getting off the couch is a bit of a challenge, but is manageable. Im capable of getting on and off of the floor safely and easily, and I can still climb two flights of stairs (that's becoming a bit more difficult, only because you're squishing my lungs). I'm still doing all of our dog grooming, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up until delivery. I save sooooo much money doing it myself, and the dogs are much more comfortable with me doing it than someone they don't really know.

please excuse my non-attractive silly face

Your father and I got a larger vehicle! We had a tiny Ford Fiesta, and we upgraded to a Ford Escape. The fiesta would only safely allow one single specific type of car seat in the back, and that's with the front passenger seat pushed forward uncomfortably. We can pretty much put anything in the escape. We can also fit three car seats along the back and BOTH DOGS in the car- it's a family car! I absolutely love it. I also love how easy it is to get in and out of- you just have to slide in- not difficult for this pregnant lady at all! Sometimes I wish we had made the switch earlier, just because it's so much more comfortable to be in a larger car, but it's worked out perfectly for us to make the switch now.

Dear Baby Bear- week 27

Dear Baby Bear,

This week has been an emotional one. It started out pretty good! I reread some of my old journal entries and blog posts from the months after your sister died. It's so incredible to see how far I've come in the almost fourteen months since her death. I have made so much progress, even though somedays I still have my moments (I'll always have those moments, I realize). I look back on those entries, and it's like I can feel the pain again- but it's not the same pain, it doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's just a memory of the pain. I was reading, and all I could think was "wow." I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come. And of course, I'm not doing this description any justice, I'm probably just really confusing you. Gosh darn me and my way with words! I really wish I were more eloquent.
So, that was the beginning of the week. Then about midweek I had a freak out. Other than your SUA, everything seems to be going perfectly fine. And that scares me! I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with Lilly, and look how that turned out! Based on my experience, normal pregnancy=death.
This whole past week (more like weeks) I have been finding it incredibly hard to connect with you. I can't imagine that there is a two pound baby rolling and kicking inside of me. I realize that there is, I just can't "see" it in my mind. My brain wants me to believe that it's just some sort of weird internal stomach twitching, that this is all just a dream, like I just ate something weird and my body is reacting a weird way. I can't imagine your surviving... I keep having dead baby dreams- dreams in which I am told you no longer have a heartbeat and I have to deliver your lifeless body. I've been having them almost every night. My subconscious self already has your headstone picked out and your funeral planned. To make this all worse, I'm now afraid that because I keep dreaming and believing that you're going to die, that you are actually going to. There's a word that I'm looking for, but I can't seem to remember what it is... When you believe in something so hard that it actually happens? Yeah, well, apparently it's a real thing.
And then, just this weekend, jealousy, anger, and self pity have all reared their ugly heads back into my life. Why make their appearance now?
Four brand new babies... Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday (two of which were firstborns, the other two were second).
I am so incredibly happy for these mothers- I really truly am. Yes, I am jealous of their seemingly perfect deliveries and babies. Seeing their flawless little children with eyes wide open breaks my heart, but it only breaks because I never had that chance with Lilly-bug. I am so incredibly grateful that they do not have to face the same pain that I have. And it is not them that I am angry with. I am angry because I don't understand why. Why did it have to be my child who passed away? Why am I the one who has been assigned this burden? For one of these mamas, I have no feelings but happiness for. Her first was stillborn just a month after Lilly, and my heart truly rejoices for her and her husband on the safe arrival of their second child. Two mothers I have mixed feelings for- I don't know too much of their personal histories, but my self pity tries it's hardest to reach in and steal the joy I have for them. And then the last one? I don't understand. It's one of those families that you would never wish a child to be knowingly brought into- and that's what makes me saddest. That's when the "why me"s pop in their hardest. Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it to you more in person. Maybe I'll just hand you my personal journal and let you read the entries for this past weekend...

27 weeks!

What's new this week? Well, I've taken off my wedding rings- they were a tight fit on Thursday morning, so I figured it was time to take them off before they got stuck on during my afternoon swelling. Also! You have learned that my cervix is incredibly entertaining to hit. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but you enjoy it. And it's VERY uncomfortable! Pregnancy still sucks, I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to carry your life (even if I have trouble imagining you), and I am still incredibly in love with you and the idea of bringing you home. Oh! And we're officially in the third trimester! Which means only eleven more weeks!

Dear Baby Bear- week 26

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now entering week 26! Once again, an uneventful week. How boring! I want to start our weekly appointments already. With Lilly I started them at 28 weeks, but this doc wants to start them at 32. We shall see what happens! Since I don't have much to say, I figured I'd fill in one of those obnoxious-yet-satisfying pregnancy blog update post things.... So! Here we go-

How far along are you? 26 weeks! 12 more to go

How I’m feeling: I'm feeling pretty good! I still have incredible heartburn and I've started having some pain in the joints where the sacrum and iliac connect, but other then that I'm fine.

Total weight gain: No idea. I don't like to focus on my weight- it's not good for my OCD personality. I'm definitely getting bigger, that's for sure!

How big is baby? Assuming that you're a normal size, you're almost two pounds and just over 14 inches long. It's incredible to think that you're this large already! Most of the time, I'm still imagining you as apple sized. I've been googling pictures of 26 weeks gestation premie babies, and it's crazy to think that you're so big, and yet still so small!

Maternity clothes: Wait, I'm supposed to be wearing clothes??? Hahaha! Most of the time, I just walk around the house in one of your dads shirts and some underwear! When I do have to get dressed, I do wear my maternity pants and a maternity shirt (or one of your dads shirts again). I can still squeeze into my medium sized t-shirts still, but they're starting to recede a little too far on my belly now.

Sleep: I’m pretty lucky for a pregnant lady- I sleep through the night! I go to bed around 9 or ten, and then wake up to go to the bathroom once around 6, snooze till 7, and then I'm up for the day. Occasionally I'll take a nap during the afternoon, but only on super lazy days. I'm still kind of sleeping on my tummy, and laying on my back has become impossible.

Movement: I've been getting some pretty awesome kicks out of you lately! I tried uploading a video of my tummy moving and you going crazy, but it wouldn't work. Your father can just lean against my belly now and feel you moving around.

Food Cravings: Mimi's rolls, Chex mix, soda- oh my gosh, the soda! I'm constantly craving a Coke or a Dr Pepper. I'm a good pregnant mommy though, and I only drink one maybe once a week. Your father and I try not to keep soda in the house, because we end up drinking it way too fast.

Food aversions: Still, with the chicken.

Belly button in or out: Its in, but it's definitely getting flatter

What I Miss: Ease of movement! Getting off the couch is becoming quite difficult. As is getting in/out of the car.

What I’m looking forward to: My next doctors appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to scheduled our next ultrasound then.

Milestone: Uh. I don't know. You're still alive and kicking? Does that count as a milestone?

OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT! You scared the CRAP out of me the other day! I wake up at seven, like I normally do on the weekdays and I shower and eat breakfast, and I notice that during the almost two hours I had been up and awake, Eva hadn't left my side. She was always trying to touch me, to lean up against me, and was just super clingy. She isn't always like that, only when she's sick and she wasn't sick this time. And that, my dear Baby Bear, is when I realize I didn't wake up to you kicking me, and I hadn't felt you since being awake. Talk about freak out moment! So I grab the Doppler and start searching for your little heartbeat. It took me a few minutes, but I finally found you- thankfully! At this point, I'm calming down because your heart is still beating at 144 beats per minute, but I'm still worried because you're not wiggling around like you normally do. I had a pretty sugary breakfast, so the only thing left to do before driving to the doctors office was to drink cold water (or juice, but I didn't have any juice) and lay down. You're supposed to wait thirty minutes to an hour after doing everything you can to get baby moving before going in. IT TOOK YOU TWENTY FREAKING MINUETS YOU LITTLE STINKER!!!!! Gosh! Were you trying to give me a heart attack? Cuz if you do, we'll both be dead! I don't think your father would be too fond of the idea of a dead wife and two dead children. Everything has been fine since that one freak out moment, and it's like you know you worried me because you've been moving around more than before since that day. I'm hoping and praying that this is just you reassuring me, and not some warning sign of cord compression (excessive movement and reduced movement are both signs of cord compression. Oh, and excessive hiccuping).

Look at all the puppy cuddles you've been getting!