Dear Baby Bear- week 35

Dear Baby Bear,

Lookin' pretty cute!

YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I had my weekly appointment today, like I do every Wednesday, and I had an NST done, like I've had done for the past few weeks. My doctor is out of town this week, so I ended up seeing a different doctor at the practice, who I will call Substitute Doctor. I get hooked up to the NST machine, and they nurse finally finds a good spot to put the heart rate monitor, and then she leaves. You're wiggling around like always, I'm marking your movements like I'm supposed to, but I'm also watching the screen and the printout of our test. What's wrong with it this week? Your heart rate isn't accelerating like it normally does and it's slower than normal, too. Today, you were hanging out in the 130-145 range. Normally, you hang in the 145-150 range, and it goes all the way up to the 170s while you're kicking around. It wouldn't do that today! We just had this nice flat line- like you were sleeping, only you WEREN'T. You were moving and jumping around (I ate an orange, two bananas, and a bunch of grapes before going in to my appointment). I tell the nurse that I'm uncomfortable with the results, and she takes the readout to the Substitute Doctor and leaves me hooked up to the machine. She comes back five minutes later and says that the doctor said it was fine. Uhm, excuse me? That's not fine- that's not normal for you, how could this be fine? So I get my shirt settled over my big belly once again and we go to the exam room to wait on the doc. He comes in, and I tell him I'm not happy with the NST. He says you look perfectly fine and asks me about kick counts. I tell him I can get 10 within an hour during your active times, but you haven't been moving nearly as much as normal the past few days. "Babies start to run out of room towards the end of pregnancy." Thanks for that little tidbit, doc, but I was told that just a WEEK before my daughter passed away. "You want more reassurance that this baby is doing okay, and there's no way that I can give that to you." YES YOU CAN! You can keep me on the machine for longer than 15 minutes- you can take me in for a biophysical profile to make sure everything is going great. GAH! Obviously, Substitute Doctor is an idiot and I will not be seeing him again. Want to know the super freaky part about all of this, though? On January 19, 2015 I was 35 weeks pregnant with your sister. I went in for an NST, and the nurse wasn't happy with the read out- she wasn't seeing the heart rate accelerations she wanted to see. So you know what SHE did? She kept me hooked up for over an hour and made sure I had sugar in my system. I'm 35 weeks and four days pregnant with you right now. Oh the similarities! You're still moving around, so I guess you're okay in that sense for right now. I've emailed my normal doctor and have asked him to review the scan as soon as he gets back to the office, and I've got this fuzzy picture out to a few of my lady doctor friends to see what they think of it.

(like I said, not exactly the best photo)

This whole pregnancy after loss is a freaking nightmare!

The biggest difference so far between my pregnancy with you compared to your sisters is that you hardly ever have the hiccups. Lilly would have them 10+ times a day- it was almost as if she never stopped hiccuping. I only notice you hiccuping every other day or two- it isn't a daily occurrence, and for that I am grateful. Shortly after your sister passed, I scoured the Internet looking for signs of cord compression- things that I should have noticed and reported, but never did. The biggest one I found was excessive hiccuping... I'm still kicking myself for thinking they were funny and cute... If only I had known then what I know now... It probably wouldn't have changed much since she passed all her NSTs and BPPs, too, but would have been nice to know...

I haven't been talking about her or my feelings as much in these letters as I did toward the beginning. I think that's because I'm trying to put on a brave face for those that read my posts.

How about we have a little "to be honest" moment?

To be honest, I'm scared. I really truly am. We are nearing the end of my pregnancy with you, and I'm scared I won't be able to take you home. I keep putting off the purchase of your car seat- I really don't want to have it sitting in the car, or sitting in the living room, just staring at me, constantly reminding me that we never used your sisters (it wouldn't fit in a closet and I hated the reminder, so we gave it to a family in need). I'm afraid that we will have to walk away from the hospital empty handed again. I'm afraid to really truly get everything prepared for you. I'm afraid to buy any clothes larger than 0-3 months (SIDS... It scares me). Buying clothes for you even scares me- how likely is it that you will come home to us and wear them? I'm afraid to finish the blanket that I'm knitting you, and I'm afraid to start any more sewing projects that would be convenient to have when you arrive. And the whole NST 35 week thing from today really freaks me out...

And yet, I am so very excited and hopeful. I packed your diaper bag- it may be hiding in the back of my closet (and will probably stay there until your father brings it to the hospital the morning we are being released) but at least it's packed! It was a hard thing to do, too. Who'd have thought that throwing together a few outfits and a blanket would be difficult? Stupid anxiety... I'm excited to see your face, to see what you look like. Obviously you'll look like your father, but there's a chance you'll have some of me in you! I'm excited to plan for your future- my anxiety currently makes that incredibly difficult, I can't seem to plan past your delivery, but once you're here it will be easier.

I am now going to go sit in bed and eat an entire pineapple by myself. Why? Supposedly it's supposed to help soften the cervix! If you're coming out of that thing in a little less than three weeks, we've gotta get it prepped! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 34

Dear Baby Bear,

Welp, we've got another technically unnecessary triage trip under our belt! I ended up shopping for 4ish hours this weekend (memorial day sales!). I got home and had this maaaassive headache that just would not stop! My stomach was also really tender, and I had a terrified moment where I thought that I could have had an unknown placental abruption with you, too. I called my doctors office's after hours line, and the nurse said that if it didn't stop within an hour of taking Tylenol then I should go get checked over just in case (possible preeclampsia). That was around 7:30pm. So I took the drugs, aaaand waited. And waited. Neither ache had let up by 9:00, so off to the hospital your father and I went! Turns out nothing is wrong, I probably just over did it. You were moving around like crazy on the monitor and I had no other signs for pre e. The triage nurse who saw me was super cool, I liked her. But the NP who came around was a total jerk. She gave me a sad exasperated look when I told her I had an abruption with Lilly and that's part of the reason why I came in, and she said "you think the baby and the headache are related?" Uhm, RUDE! I came in because the on call nurse TOLD me to come in, and I also came in because my stomach was tender- a common symptom of a placental abruption! Duh. She then went on to try and treat me like I just came in to get drugs for the headache... I didn't like her... I just keep thinking about the look on her face when she said that, and I get more and more angry. Like, who CARES if I think the headache could be related to how my baby is doing??? Would she have said "you think your swollen feet and your baby are related?" or "you think your bleeding and your baby are related?" (Not that I have swollen feet or have bled this entire pregnancy- I'm actually really lucky and haven swelled up any). It just really irks me. I don't feel as if she was taking me very seriously. My instructions are to try caffeine for the headache and to take it easy for the next few days. It's 10:30pm by the time she tells me this, so there is no way in heck I'm drinking any caffeine- momma needs her beauty sleep. Besides, I didn't go in to be treated for the headache. I came in to be double checked that everything was still looking okay. I came in because I had a common symptom, of a dangerous condition, that wouldn't go away via traditional methods. 

On the bright side, my relief society threw me a baby shower! And it was super incredibly cute!!!! The hostesses did an amazing job with decorations and it was way crazy fun. We received some very thoughtful gifts, and some incredibly CUTE outfits for you to wear!

I'm also becoming more and more optimistic about your arrival. I'm having more days where I believe that you'll actually be coming home with us. It's really nice, this feeling of hope. I like it. I really hope I can keep it going. 

Oh! And I triple checked with the doctor- were still set for June 25! Just under four more weeks! 27 days!!! And because we're getting closer to your induction date, that means we're getting closer to the time when MiMi comes to visit! We're so totally going to go shopping for you. Daddy doesn't like to shop, so I'm waiting till she gets here to go with me. Hopefully by then I won't be too afraid to buy you the very few things I'd still like to have before your arrival.

Dear Baby Bear- week 32

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at 32 weeks, and look at your cute little face!!

You're so stinkin cute already. You've got your daddy's nose, and we were able to see some hair on the back of your head during the ultrasound. You're measuring right on track, and you weigh about 4lbs6oz. I had the ultrasound technician double check your heart and kidneys for me- they all look great!
I realize it's been a while since I've written. Like always, not much has happened in the weeks I've been silent. I haven't had any more scares from you, you've been moving around just fine, and you don't like sharing your momma! I'm babysitting an almost three month old, and every time he falls asleep in my arms you try to kick him away! It's super cute and really funny.
As I'm writing this, I'm super crazy excited and happy and totally reassured you're doing just fine because of the ultrasound (which was literally less than ten minutes ago). I haven't been like this lately, though. I've been freaking out about if you really are okay in there, if you really are developing correctly, if we're going to be able to take you home or not. I hope and pray that we will be. Right now I'm feeling confident that you will- ask me again in a few days and you'll probably have a different answer.
We only have 5 1/2 more weeks (I'm writing this at 32+4)! That's only 39 more days!

I took the bump shot this morning- see my shirt? Notice how it just barely fits my tummy? Yeah- that's because of you, kid. But I love you!!!! And I even love the stretch marks you're putting on my butt.

Dear Baby Bear- week 30

Dear Baby Bear,

29 weeks

I realize that I have skipped a few weeks again, and I apologize for that. We've just entered into the boring, never ending stage of pregnancy. Nothing hardly ever changes, and there aren't really all that many new updates. Sorry Baby Bear.
Once again, you gave me a good scare. This last Wednesday night, your father and I made the first of what will probably become many trips to the hospital.

your dad looks so happy! doesn't he? 

Why did we go? BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUBBORN (but very much loved) CHILD! Wednesday started out as a super good day- I was determined to be a good pregnant lady and I went for a walk with WallE. We walked two miles, and then I made some delicious pancakes (there goes the good pregnant lady award) and showered. Typically, you're pretty active around 11:00. 11:00 rolls around (about an hour and a half after I've eaten my pancakes) and you're not moving very much. I would occasionally get a little jab, but it was nothing like your normal self. I decided that since you were still moving a bit that I would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you were okay. I also figured that maybe you were just being a bit lazy and that you'd be active later. Well guess what! Later came around, and NOTHING. Still hardly any movement from you. Do you have any idea how freaky that is??? You go from being this super cool, crazy active acrobat into some slug. That is NOT okay. Your father and I ate dinner around 7:30- I took my meds with a big glass of apple juice and eat three Popsicles afterwards and waited. Aaaaaand I waited. And still nothing. You were still alive (heartbeat of 143), just not kicking. 8:30 is when you're the most active- it's when your father is able to feel you moving the most. Only this time, there wasn't any movement! So we left for the hospital. We got there around 9:00, a nurse dude let me back into the triage area, and a different nurse lady hooked me up to an NST machine. And guess what?? We could hear you moving around! I just couldn't feel you. She blamed it on my anterior placenta, and she talked to me like it was normal not to feel consistent movement all the time from you (she also talked to me like I was a bit of an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that). My only problem with her thinking is that I HAVE been getting consistent movement from you- I've been getting consistent movement since about 24 weeks. Why the sudden change? Why would you all of a sudden change your movement pattern? Why could I not feel you all of a sudden? That's what worried me the most- the change. Since then you've been your normal self (thank goodness). If anything you're a bit more active, and I'm okay with that.

We're entering our 30th week together, which means we only have eight more weeks. We have a tentative induction date set for June 25- my doctor is making a special exception for me. June 25 is a Saturday, and they don't normally induce on the weekends. He's on call that day, though, and says he'd be willing to do it then. And that makes me so happy! There's an end in sight 😊 we have a day to look forward to, and to countdown to! My next appointment is in about 2 1/2 weeks, and we will be having an ultrasound done. It's technically a growth scan, but I'm going to see if the tech will check on a few other things for me. I'm not happy with my level two ultrasound that was done ten weeks ago (ten! Ten weeks!) so I will be asking if they can quickly check your heart, kidneys, and where your cord is floating around (in addition to all the other normal stuff). I know the cord will most likely move from the position it's in after the ultrasound, but I want to know. I worry about it. It's what killed your sister, and it's what has killed many other babies.

Physically I'm still doing great- getting off the couch is a bit of a challenge, but is manageable. Im capable of getting on and off of the floor safely and easily, and I can still climb two flights of stairs (that's becoming a bit more difficult, only because you're squishing my lungs). I'm still doing all of our dog grooming, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up until delivery. I save sooooo much money doing it myself, and the dogs are much more comfortable with me doing it than someone they don't really know.

please excuse my non-attractive silly face

Your father and I got a larger vehicle! We had a tiny Ford Fiesta, and we upgraded to a Ford Escape. The fiesta would only safely allow one single specific type of car seat in the back, and that's with the front passenger seat pushed forward uncomfortably. We can pretty much put anything in the escape. We can also fit three car seats along the back and BOTH DOGS in the car- it's a family car! I absolutely love it. I also love how easy it is to get in and out of- you just have to slide in- not difficult for this pregnant lady at all! Sometimes I wish we had made the switch earlier, just because it's so much more comfortable to be in a larger car, but it's worked out perfectly for us to make the switch now.

Dear Baby Bear- week 27

Dear Baby Bear,

This week has been an emotional one. It started out pretty good! I reread some of my old journal entries and blog posts from the months after your sister died. It's so incredible to see how far I've come in the almost fourteen months since her death. I have made so much progress, even though somedays I still have my moments (I'll always have those moments, I realize). I look back on those entries, and it's like I can feel the pain again- but it's not the same pain, it doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's just a memory of the pain. I was reading, and all I could think was "wow." I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come. And of course, I'm not doing this description any justice, I'm probably just really confusing you. Gosh darn me and my way with words! I really wish I were more eloquent.
So, that was the beginning of the week. Then about midweek I had a freak out. Other than your SUA, everything seems to be going perfectly fine. And that scares me! I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with Lilly, and look how that turned out! Based on my experience, normal pregnancy=death.
This whole past week (more like weeks) I have been finding it incredibly hard to connect with you. I can't imagine that there is a two pound baby rolling and kicking inside of me. I realize that there is, I just can't "see" it in my mind. My brain wants me to believe that it's just some sort of weird internal stomach twitching, that this is all just a dream, like I just ate something weird and my body is reacting a weird way. I can't imagine your surviving... I keep having dead baby dreams- dreams in which I am told you no longer have a heartbeat and I have to deliver your lifeless body. I've been having them almost every night. My subconscious self already has your headstone picked out and your funeral planned. To make this all worse, I'm now afraid that because I keep dreaming and believing that you're going to die, that you are actually going to. There's a word that I'm looking for, but I can't seem to remember what it is... When you believe in something so hard that it actually happens? Yeah, well, apparently it's a real thing.
And then, just this weekend, jealousy, anger, and self pity have all reared their ugly heads back into my life. Why make their appearance now?
Four brand new babies... Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday (two of which were firstborns, the other two were second).
I am so incredibly happy for these mothers- I really truly am. Yes, I am jealous of their seemingly perfect deliveries and babies. Seeing their flawless little children with eyes wide open breaks my heart, but it only breaks because I never had that chance with Lilly-bug. I am so incredibly grateful that they do not have to face the same pain that I have. And it is not them that I am angry with. I am angry because I don't understand why. Why did it have to be my child who passed away? Why am I the one who has been assigned this burden? For one of these mamas, I have no feelings but happiness for. Her first was stillborn just a month after Lilly, and my heart truly rejoices for her and her husband on the safe arrival of their second child. Two mothers I have mixed feelings for- I don't know too much of their personal histories, but my self pity tries it's hardest to reach in and steal the joy I have for them. And then the last one? I don't understand. It's one of those families that you would never wish a child to be knowingly brought into- and that's what makes me saddest. That's when the "why me"s pop in their hardest. Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it to you more in person. Maybe I'll just hand you my personal journal and let you read the entries for this past weekend...

27 weeks!

What's new this week? Well, I've taken off my wedding rings- they were a tight fit on Thursday morning, so I figured it was time to take them off before they got stuck on during my afternoon swelling. Also! You have learned that my cervix is incredibly entertaining to hit. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but you enjoy it. And it's VERY uncomfortable! Pregnancy still sucks, I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to carry your life (even if I have trouble imagining you), and I am still incredibly in love with you and the idea of bringing you home. Oh! And we're officially in the third trimester! Which means only eleven more weeks!

Dear Baby Bear- week 26

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now entering week 26! Once again, an uneventful week. How boring! I want to start our weekly appointments already. With Lilly I started them at 28 weeks, but this doc wants to start them at 32. We shall see what happens! Since I don't have much to say, I figured I'd fill in one of those obnoxious-yet-satisfying pregnancy blog update post things.... So! Here we go-

How far along are you? 26 weeks! 12 more to go

How I’m feeling: I'm feeling pretty good! I still have incredible heartburn and I've started having some pain in the joints where the sacrum and iliac connect, but other then that I'm fine.

Total weight gain: No idea. I don't like to focus on my weight- it's not good for my OCD personality. I'm definitely getting bigger, that's for sure!

How big is baby? Assuming that you're a normal size, you're almost two pounds and just over 14 inches long. It's incredible to think that you're this large already! Most of the time, I'm still imagining you as apple sized. I've been googling pictures of 26 weeks gestation premie babies, and it's crazy to think that you're so big, and yet still so small!

Maternity clothes: Wait, I'm supposed to be wearing clothes??? Hahaha! Most of the time, I just walk around the house in one of your dads shirts and some underwear! When I do have to get dressed, I do wear my maternity pants and a maternity shirt (or one of your dads shirts again). I can still squeeze into my medium sized t-shirts still, but they're starting to recede a little too far on my belly now.

Sleep: I’m pretty lucky for a pregnant lady- I sleep through the night! I go to bed around 9 or ten, and then wake up to go to the bathroom once around 6, snooze till 7, and then I'm up for the day. Occasionally I'll take a nap during the afternoon, but only on super lazy days. I'm still kind of sleeping on my tummy, and laying on my back has become impossible.

Movement: I've been getting some pretty awesome kicks out of you lately! I tried uploading a video of my tummy moving and you going crazy, but it wouldn't work. Your father can just lean against my belly now and feel you moving around.

Food Cravings: Mimi's rolls, Chex mix, soda- oh my gosh, the soda! I'm constantly craving a Coke or a Dr Pepper. I'm a good pregnant mommy though, and I only drink one maybe once a week. Your father and I try not to keep soda in the house, because we end up drinking it way too fast.

Food aversions: Still, with the chicken.

Belly button in or out: Its in, but it's definitely getting flatter

What I Miss: Ease of movement! Getting off the couch is becoming quite difficult. As is getting in/out of the car.

What I’m looking forward to: My next doctors appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to scheduled our next ultrasound then.

Milestone: Uh. I don't know. You're still alive and kicking? Does that count as a milestone?

OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT! You scared the CRAP out of me the other day! I wake up at seven, like I normally do on the weekdays and I shower and eat breakfast, and I notice that during the almost two hours I had been up and awake, Eva hadn't left my side. She was always trying to touch me, to lean up against me, and was just super clingy. She isn't always like that, only when she's sick and she wasn't sick this time. And that, my dear Baby Bear, is when I realize I didn't wake up to you kicking me, and I hadn't felt you since being awake. Talk about freak out moment! So I grab the Doppler and start searching for your little heartbeat. It took me a few minutes, but I finally found you- thankfully! At this point, I'm calming down because your heart is still beating at 144 beats per minute, but I'm still worried because you're not wiggling around like you normally do. I had a pretty sugary breakfast, so the only thing left to do before driving to the doctors office was to drink cold water (or juice, but I didn't have any juice) and lay down. You're supposed to wait thirty minutes to an hour after doing everything you can to get baby moving before going in. IT TOOK YOU TWENTY FREAKING MINUETS YOU LITTLE STINKER!!!!! Gosh! Were you trying to give me a heart attack? Cuz if you do, we'll both be dead! I don't think your father would be too fond of the idea of a dead wife and two dead children. Everything has been fine since that one freak out moment, and it's like you know you worried me because you've been moving around more than before since that day. I'm hoping and praying that this is just you reassuring me, and not some warning sign of cord compression (excessive movement and reduced movement are both signs of cord compression. Oh, and excessive hiccuping).

Look at all the puppy cuddles you've been getting!

Dear Baby Bear- week 25

Dear Baby Bear,

24 week comparison with your sister! I feel as if I was the same weight, my belly would be about the same size

I know, I know. I skipped another week. There just wasn't anything to say! There isn't a whole lot for this week, either. I had my 24 week appointment this past Wednesday. Totally boring and uneventful. My doctor didn't know about your SUA yet, though, so I guess that could count as exciting. Apparently, UAMS (the place I went to for the level 2 ultrasound) sent over a report stating that everything was perfectly fine and there weren't any abnormalities. That is definitely NOT what they told me. So my doctor is supposed to be getting ahold of them and figuring everything out. I did my glucose testing and haven't heard anything back about that, so I'm guessing I passed- no news is good news!
I also "toured" the hospital in which I will be delivering you in. Turns out, I picked one of the most baby friendly hospitals ever, and I love that! They're crazy pro breastfeeding, kangaroo care, rooming in, etc. They don't even supply pacifiers- parents are encouraged NOT to use them (which I totally understand, but you're going to be a binky baby). They also really encourage birth plans, which I think is super stupid. I've never liked the idea of birth plans, and the lady showing me around was incredibly insistent that I have one. My birth plan? Get you out safely with as little physical harm to me as possible. I'll probably eventually write something up... I've already started on some rules regarding visitors for when you finally arrive. I know that sounds kind of silly, but you'd be surprised at how many ignorant people there are out there! That, and I'm super paranoid about you getting sick- one of your aunts was hospitalized with RSV when she was a baby, and your Great Aunt T (who Lilly is buried next too) passed away from RSV as well. I've already had one baby die, I don't want you to die too. I promise that someday I'll be less of a helicopter parent. But for now, and probably the first few years of your life, I will be there every step of the way ensuring your safety. I'll let you eat dirt when you're a bit older, and I won't care too much if Eva licks your face and eats Cheerios right out of your mouth. Heck, I might even start letting you play with knives and matches (in a safe controlled environment) when you're four! But there will be rules and you will be taught how to be safe, because I won't always be there to protect you. That makes me sad to vocalize (or, visualize, since I'm typing this). I will try my darn hardest to be there, though! For as long as I can.
As I'm writing this, you are happily (well, I'm assuming you're happy) rolling around in my stomach. I've felt a few punches today that were aimed at the placenta, hopefully this just means you're getting stronger. I am loving every single movement that you make, and I am enjoying every uncomfortable moment of this pregnancy with you. 

Have I talked about how you're already getting up into my ribs? You have been, for at least two weeks now. Oh, and the heartburn? Absolute hell. But I love it, and I love you.

25 weeks! Happy Easter!

Dear Baby Bear- week 23

Dear Baby Bear,

I love waking up to your movements, it's very reassuring! You're still hitting the placenta most of the time, but I can occasionally feel your little taps. I also feel like you're already trying to go up into my ribs! It should be too early for that!
You're 23 weeks today, and that means you have a very small chance of surviving outside of my womb with intensive medical help. The age of viability is 24 weeks, but some hospitals will try to save a baby at 23 weeks. Of course you would have several disabilities (mental and physical) but you'd be here, and hopefully alive. But I don't want you to come out just yet- you keep cooking till at least June 25.
I don't have an appointment for another week and a half, so you're gonna have to wait to hear about your size or how you're doing or anything like that. I'm going to try and see if they'll give me an ultrasound- just for reassurance that you're doing okay. I'll also hopefully be discussing more in depth about your condition and the results of your anatomy scan. I never got a call about coming in and talking with my OB, so no news is good news, right?
Baby Bear, there are now nine different friends who have publicly announced their pregnancies on Facebook- they're all due within a month of you. This worries me. Before, when I was expecting your sister, there were only four other women due around her due date- so five of us in total. Well, you know what? 1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage or stillbirth. Last time, I was the statistic. I was the mother who's pregnancy ended in a fatality, the 1 in 160 who's birth ended in a stillbirth. And now there are ten of us waiting for little babies? That's really pushing it! Statistically, at least one person is going to lose their baby. And it scares me, because I don't want to be that one again. And I don't want anyone else to feel the pain of child loss- it really, REALLY, sucks! I'm scared, Baby Bear. I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.

23 Weeks and wearing papa bear's shirts! 

 

Dear Baby Bear- week 22

Dear Baby Bear,

I'm a bit of a bad mom- sorry! I didn't write last weeks letter. There wasn't anything new to say. There still isn't, really. I've been sick all week, hopefully it doesn't hurt you. I'm currently sitting in a doctors office waiting for my flu/strep test results to get back so we can see how to get me feeling better. (They're back, I don't have flu or strep, I just feel terrible. Oh, and one of the only medications they can give me I happen to be allergic to- yay!)
You're still moving around :) and I love every moment of it! You're getting stronger and I've been able to feel you almost every day now. You're father has even felt you once. You were kicking around your placenta, and he got lucky and felt it.
I've stopped researching all the things that can go wrong with an SUA. I'm only looking into preterm labor and premie baby info now. The second to worst thing that I'm expecting to happen is that you'll be a tiny NICU baby. I can handle a tiny NICU baby. You'll be cute if you're tiny! Hopefully you'll be a healthy size, though.
I have started thinking though- I'm kind of sad that I'll never have a "normal" delivery. I'll never be able to experience labor naturally (unless it's preterm and unplanned!). I've always imagined myself like you see it in the movies- the mothers water breaks, and she yells for her husband to grab the bags and the car, saying that "it's time" and "the baby is coming." They're always super sweet moments. And I KNOW real labor isn't anything like that, but I've always wanted to experience that. And I can't. Not safely at least. We will forever and always induce early because of your sisters death. I won't know what a natural labor feels like, because I'll always have a drug induced one (they're supposed to be more intense and painful). And your delivery could very likely be a c-section. With your cord being all funky and me not liking low heart rates, I may demand a cesarean at the first sign of your distress. It's kind of disappointing- not being able to be "normal," always being the odd man out.
I've also been thinking about how I don't fit in with normal moms. I think that I've know since the beginning that I wouldn't fit in with normal moms, though. While pregnant with Lilly, I remember going over to a friends house. There were two mothers there, each with a child under the age of two, and I was the odd one out. I didn't feel comfortable with them, I didn't feel like I could chime in on the conversation since they were talking about their toddling babies. They talked about breastfeeding and baby wearing and what foods their children were eating. I couldn't contribute to the conversation because I had yet to experience those things. I was excited to, and I eagerly listened in to their comments, but I felt like the third wheel.
Just this week, I had a good friend invite me to this huge public prego lady baby shower thing that would be held by the hospital- there'd be raffle tickets, toddler fashion shows, seminars- it really sounds like fun! But then I started thinking- oh yeah, I would be surrounded by hundreds of happily pregnant or newly delivered mothers. All happily ignorant of the things that could go wrong. I would feel compelled to share Lilly's story, to let others know that I had a daughter, as well as a son on the way. But that's depressing, and no one ever knows what to say and they just end the conversation and walk away as fast as they can. *Sigh* Sometimes I really wish I could be normal...

 My 22 week baby belly right after a shower! I went back to bed after taking this- being sick while pregnant is hard work!

Dear Baby Bear- week 20

Dear Baby Bear,

So, this week, I have good news and not so great news. You'd think that since we've already had one baby die, that we would be blessed with a picture perfect pregnancy, but I guess that's just not the case.

Your father ended up being able to take the day off, so he did! And that was awesome! I had your 20 week appointment with my OB today- I still hadn't gotten a call about my ultrasound, so I just went to the appointment. I get there, and they ask when it is and I tell them that I still haven't scheduled it! So five minutes after I tell the nurse this, she comes in and tells me that it's at 2:30 later that afternoon- thank goodness I had that appointment at Parkhill (the office), or else I wouldn't have known!

Baby belly at 20 weeks!

The appointment went fine and your father took me out to lunch- we went to Kosmos! I love Kosmos- it's soooooo good. 

Lunch! I forgot to take a picture before I ate it all

We then took the dogs to the dog park to waste some time before your ultrasound. While there, I get a call from a nurse from the MFM office stating that they're running AHEAD of schedule! No one ever runs ahead of schedule! This meant that we could get in earlier than 2:30! 

At the dog park!

Thank goodness your dad had the day off, because this is when we received our "not so great" news. I get up on the table and the doctor puts tons of jelly on my belly (ha! I made that rhyme). He says that if he notices anything wrong, he'll let me know. Of course, my doctor doctor has the final say in diagnoses and what not, but he would give me a heads up. And then he was silent the entire time. I didn't know if I should take that as a good sign or not. The ultrasound ended up being about 45 minutes long, and at the end he says that everything looked just fine. He spent tons of time looking at your heart and somewhere in your abdomen (I'm assuming it was your kidneys he was looking at). I talked with the nurse practitioner who was viewing our ultrasound via telecom, and she said that you were a bit on the small side (greater than the 10th percentile, but less than the 30th) but everything looked fine. Your father and I then left to the waiting area to complete some paperwork when the genetics counselor called us back into the ultrasound room. Apparently, (and this is the not so great news) you have a two vessel cord- a single umbilical artery. Normally, an umbilical cord has three vessels- a single vein, and two arteries. But you only have one- you're already special! We're told that this could, and most likely is, the reason for your small size. We were also told that your heart and kidneys look perfectly fine, and that they weren't able to see any other signs of abnormalities. We will have an additional ultrasound sometime within the next ten weeks to check on your growth again and to double check for anything missed in this ultrasound.

From the small amount of research that I have done so far, I think you're going to be okay. SUA can be a sign of some pretty serious stuff. They didn't find anything else wrong, so there's a very small chance of you having any issues. Right now, I'm only allowing myself to worry about you having a low birthweight and/or being born preterm. If the doctors find more markers, then I will allow myself to worry more, but for now I'm only going to focus on what we know.

Dear Baby Bear- week 19

Dear Baby Bear, 



We are now at week 19- officially half way through (because we're delivering at 38)! Now if only the time could fly by for this next half like it has the last. Seriously, it seems just like last week when we finally told everyone that we were expecting. It feels like only last month we found out about you! 
Physically, I'm doing just fine. You’re still growing and seeming to be doing fine. I can find your heartbeat every time I look for it- it may take me a few minutes, but I still find you eventually.
Emotionally, I’m not doing so great. There are so many things that I want to do for you, that I want to get ready for you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I start seriously planning for your future that it's all going to disappear, just like your sisters. I've already started worrying about your delivery and how that's going to go. I realized just the other day, that no matter what- if you live or if you die- I will have to deliver you regardless. And that scares me. Delivering you breathing and crying would be amazing, and I am so ready for that- but if you're stillborn? Like your sister? I don’t know what I would do. That’s the part that scares me. If you were going to have died, I kind of wish you would have died earlier in the pregnancy- where I could have just miscarried you and have never seen your body. I guess this way, no matter what, you’re going to be real. There’s nothing that I can say or do to make you any less real. And I guess that’s for the best, but still. I don’t know what to think most days. My thoughts and feelings are just this big mess that goes back and forth from optimistic to pessimistic. I wish you could just be in my arms already. I’m ready to actively play the role of a mother.
Below, is my comparison of Lilly and you. I was about 20 weeks pregnant with her, and am only 19 with you. It's crazy how much bigger I've gotten this time, and so quick, too!

Dear Baby Bear- week 18

Dear Baby Bear,

It was my birthday this past week! We celebrated pretty much all weekend- it was fun. Abuela came over and made some tapatias, and she brought over a chocolate tres leches cake. It was delicious! 
I haven't been feeling you move around as often as you did a couple weeks before. You've also moved down lower into my pelvis. Your heartbeat has been harder and harder to find because of this. I haven't been feeling any pressure or anything, so I'm guessing you're okay. 
I don't really have much to report this week! Sorry. It's been pretty uneventful. I have yet to receive a call from the MFM for our ultrasound, and I haven't been having any hard/conflicting feelings regarding being pregnant with you and your sisters death. I am definitely bigger this time around (I'm also 20lbs heavier). The top picture is my 17 week bump comparison with your sister, and the bottom is today, at 18 weeks.

Oh! And I can no longer sleep flat on my stomach anymore- it's too uncomfortable. I now have to throw a knee out, so my body is angled out. Other than that, everything is going fine. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 17

Dear Baby Bear,

We're now at week 17. It seems just like yesterday we were at 10 weeks, and I was freaking out at every twinge of pain. Now, I don't really feel anything. Other than round ligament pain and occasionally you. I love it when I can feel you moving! I'm super excited for when you become stronger and I can feel you more consistently. I'm excited for the rib and bladder kicks. I'm ready to learn you patterns and to get a sense of who you are based on your movements. How annoyed will you get when I poke and prod you? Will you dance like crazy when I drink orange juice? How often will you get the hiccups? Your sister had hiccups A LOT. And apparently, it's a sign of cord compression- so don't get the hiccups too often!
Currently, you've been making me really hungry. Especially at 3:00 in the morning. Sometimes, it's a dog who wakes me up so early. Sometimes, it's my bladder. And sometimes, I just wake up for no reason. Tonight, it was Eva who woke me. She doesn't wine to go outside unless it's an emergency, and tonight she nosed my face and wined. So we went out and now I can't fall back to sleep. And I'm also now very hungry. And nothing sounds good. *sigh* The hard life of a pregnant woman.
I still haven't gotten a call from the MFM office in Little Rock. The nurse at my doctors office said they would call me and tell me when I was supposed to have my ultrasound (they get to tell me when it is, I don't get to schedule it). I'm excited for when I have that date to look forward to- I'm excited to see you again. I'm excited to compare your profile to your sisters- to maybe get the chance to see what you look like. All of the testing we have done so far indicates that you're to be a normal little boy. Let's hope and pray that it stays that way! I want to bring you home.
Yesterday, I decided to listen to your heartbeat with the Doppler- and you would not sit still!!! I could hear you moving around- you even kicked at the wand a few times. So I knew you were in there! I just couldn't get a reading on you. But, I'm determined, so I spent a solid 20 minutes trying to get you. I finally found you, and you were completely turned around and waaaaaay lower than you normally are. You were way over by my left pubic bone- normally, you're just to the right of my belly button. I can imagine that you're going to be a very hyper little boy- and I'm going to love that! We can spend all of our days outside, at the park, with the dogs... It's going to be great :)

Dear Baby Bear- week 16

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at week 16! Wow. I seriously cant believe that we’ve gotten this far. I had my first for real appointment with the doctor- it went really well! He asked a few questions about my pregnancy with your sister, and then suggested (before I even had the chance) to induce at 38 weeks. I LOVE THAT! I’ll also be having a level II ultrasound that has to be viewed with the MFM in Little Rock. Well, now don’t I feel all sorts of special! We just want to make sure that you’re growing and developing how you should be, since your sisters death was such a fluke. He checked your heart rate, and of course it took him a while to find you. You’re such a mover. It took the doctor a good solid five minutes till he was finally able to track you down.

This is just Eva being Eva. The silly silly puppy

Some days are easier than others- I just have to take it one day at a time. Most days I include the word “if” when I’m talking about you. Psht- who am I kidding. I include the word “if” any time I’m talking about you. It doesn’t mean I love you any less. I’m just scared and trying to protect myself. Apparently it’s not an uncommon theme among the loss momma world. We are still creating memories with you, we still love you more than anything, we still want you to come and join our family, and we’ve begun acquiring clothes and things for you. We ended up getting rid of a lot of your sisters “bigger” baby items. We kept all her clothes, the diapers and wipes, and the pack’n’play, but got rid of pretty much everything else. It wouldn’t all fit in a closet, and I hated seeing it out and unused.
You are going to be one of the best dressed little boys. I refuse to get you anything too tacky, and you will not be allowed to wear anything with monkeys. Momma doesn’t like monkeys. And you’re going to be brown with big cheeks and big ears. I just think it’s distasteful to put a brown, big eared baby in a monkey outfit. That and I just reeeeeaaaally don’t like monkeys. BUT I LOVE BEARS! That’s part of the reason why you’re called Baby Bear. Your father picked out a super cute teddy bear for you- the first of what I believe will be many. We also have some bear slippers that I am just way too excited for you to wear. I have also learned that girls are a lot more fun to shop for- sorry. They just have so many frilly and girly things! Pink and purple and yellow and butterflies and ladybugs and dresses and skirts and they’re just all around more fun (shopping wise). Boys- its all just super tacky “I love my mommy,” “Daddy’s sidekick,” tuck covered stuff… and I guess that’s cute. Maybe. But not my style. Sorry. You’re going to be stuck with cute cardigan onesies, and solid or simple patterned clothing. Unless I find something that’s absolutely adorable and cant live without. There are some tops that I’ve found on the Internet that I love. I’ll have to convince your father to let me get some.

Ignore the laundry in the background. I promise we aren't always so messy!

I’m finally really beginning to feel you move. Its like I have a bunch of tiny snakes rolling around in my stomach, and I love it. It seriously makes my day each and every time I feel you. Your father and I are incredibly excited to meet you- I just hope we don’t meet you for another 22 weeks! 20, at the very least. Anything less than that, and you’ll probably have problems.

Dear Baby Bear- week 15

Dear Baby Bear,

You're a BOY! Oh my goodness! We're going to have a baby BOY! I'm so excited :) Your father and I are ecstatic. Seriously, we couldn't be any happier. Your dad has been wanting a boy since the day we got married. And me? I'm relieved. I would have been okay if you were a girl, and I do want a girl eventually, but I was afraid of the feelings I would have if we had found out that you were a girl. There would be so many conflicting and difficult emotions. Would you look just like your sister? Which of her clothes would you be wearing? I would be experiencing everything "first time mom," (take home baby wise) with a baby girl, but it wouldn't be the baby girl that I was originally supposed to bring home.
You are a different baby, a different gender, and will be a different experience all together. And I am grateful for that. Thank you. So far, you seem to be the best thing to have happened to your father and I since you sister passed. You're not going to replace her, but you will help heal some of the hurt we feel for her. I don't know if you will ever know how much we truly are thankful for you, how grateful we are to have you in our lives, and how much we love you and your sister.
Okay, so! On to how we found out you're a boy! I went to my first appointment at the new OB office. I just met with a prenatal nurse, and will be meeting with the Doctor next week. Aaaaanywaaaays, I'm talking with her about my medical history and everything that happened with Lilly and we were pretty much done when she says she wants to listen to your heart tones (fancy way of saying she's going check your heart beat). So she grabs the Doppler, has me lay down, and she looks for a good 20 minutes to find you. And she can't! I wasn't too worried though. I had found you earlier that morning. So she takes me over for an ultrasound just to check that everything is okay. And you are! You are okay :) You were just squirming around A LOT. They even had trouble pinning you down to catch a reading with the ultrasound machine. Your heart rate was at 159 that day :) The technician did just a few quick measurements to make sure you're growing okay, and she went to check your femur which is when I saw your tiny little penis. And I was like "oh my gosh! It's a boy!" And the tech says "oh! Did you not want to see the gender? I could have told you not to look just now." But I wanted to know what you were :) So I'm all okay with it! And I am soooo happy!

Look! See? You are a boy :)

You know how I said you were moving around a lot? Well, you were. So we couldn't get any cute profile pictures. But we did get a creepy one!

Told you- Creepy face!

I'm starting to feel more "normal" now. Im hardly ever nauseous, but I get these crazy intense headaches in the afternoon when I don't drink enough water. My uterus is continuing to grow, and is now above my belly button. 

Eva doesn't like that very much, because she can't sit on my stomach anymore. It's way too tender! She better get used to it, though! She's going to have to share her cuddles once you arrive. You, Baby Bear, are about four inches long, from the top of your head to the bottom of your butt. I imagine that you look pretty cute by now. More human-like, and less like an alien.
You're father and I went shopping for you today. Now that we know you're a boy, it's easier to find cute clothes :) and I have justifiable reason to buy them! You're gonna need 'em. You can't just wear pink all the time (all of your sisters stuff is pink. ALL of it). Were going to have to pick up some of the "bigger" baby items again, too. We got rid of most of it after your sister passed away. It wouldn't all fit in a closet, and I didn't want to see it lying around the house. We have quite a diaper stash, though! We kept all of those. I'm excited :) And so ready to meet you already.
Life still seems surreal at times, but you're becoming more and more of a reality to me- and I love that.

Oh my goodness, I think I just felt you. Like, FOR SURE felt you. Not just maybe feeling you. Do it again, Baby Bear! Do it again!

Dear Baby Bear- week 14

Dear Baby Bear,

Yayayayayayay! We have finally hit the second trimester! You know, the only comfortable three months of pregnancy? Well, that's what I've been told at least. Its still three months of being pregnant. And pregnancy is pregnancy- hardly ever comfortable. Not much more to say about that.
You scared me the other day! You really did! I had two separate dreams that we had lost you. The first, I started bleeding tons and tons, so your father drove me to the hospital. They pulled in an ultrasound machine, and then WallE woke me up to take him outside. So I didn't get to finish that dream, but I could tell where it was headed. When I fell back asleep after getting back in, I dreamt that I had delivered you, and you weren't breathing. So, the genius in me, starts doing CPR on your itty bitty tiny body. Seriously, you were so small- like four inches long at most. I never resuscitated you, and you just laid limp in my hands. So obviously, I was a bit of a mess when I woke up. I wanted to check for your heart beat, but I was afraid because I didn't want to know that you were gone. Finally, after having this eternal debate in my mind, I finally grabbed the Doppler and checked your favorite hang out spot- nothing but static. The reasonable part of my brain told the freaked out part of my brain that maybe you had just moved. So I kept looking. Nothing but my own heartbeat and static. I couldn't find you! By this point your father had woken up and tried finding you, too. And he couldn't. This is when the rational part of my brain took over. I didn't want to just run to the hospital to see if you were still with us- I needed to check again after I had gone to the bathroom and eaten. I needed to give myself a break and try again later. If you were gone, the doctors couldn't do anything for us, and I didn't want to play the "overly freaked out mother." I ate breakfast, I went out for a few hours with a friend, and then I came back home. I was hesitant to try again, but your father was worried, too, and quite persistent that we check again. So I get the Doppler out, and your father took the wand from me- he wanted to try first. And of course, within the first ten seconds, he finds you. In your favorite spot. Your heartbeat just beating along at a happy pace of 180. Don't ever worry me like that again! It's not very nice to make your mother worry. I'm going to have grey hairs before you're ever born.

Listen to that pretty little heartbeat- isn't it the greatest sound ever???

You're still making me nauseous- just yesterday I was sick from morning till night. I hadn't eaten much, just a sandwich. I was waiting up with your father while he finished some paperwork, when out of no where- BOOM! I'm so hungry I could eat a cow. Well, not really a cow because I can't eat a ton anymore (my stomach has shrunk). But I was sooooo hungry! So we went to IHOP- it was pretty much the only place still open. I got to eat some pancakes, and they were delicious! It's 9:30am now, and I'm still not hungry- that's how much I ate. But hey, when you're sick and pregnant, and you finally feel like eating, you eat. 

Me and my big-ole bump at 14 weeks

My baby bump is beginning to become more pronounced. I can definitely feel it when I'm sitting and I try to bend forward. Looks like I won't be able to do that for much longer! My uterus is starting to creep up past my belly button. I like to just lay in bed and feel around it- it's cool! Pregnancy is an amazing experience. Thank you so much for coming into our lives and giving me this opportunity again Baby Bear.

Dear Baby Bear- week 13

Dear Baby Bear,

You're the size of a jalapeño! I find it funny and ironic, because you're Hispanic. We've hit the 13 week mark, the last week of the first trimester. Only a few more weeks till we know what you are! Are you a boy, like your father and I feel you are? Or are you a girl, like your grandmothers think you are? Only time will tell! And I hate waiting. 

Yesterday was WallE's birthday! 

He's now two whole years old! It's incredible that your father and I have had him for this long. It's crazy how time just seems to fly past, but can seem to last such an eternity as well. Anyways! You're uncle went shopping with me for WallE's birthday present, and he picked him out a nice new red ball- WallE LOVES it! Absolutely loves it. 

He wanted to play with it all last night, and I had to take it away from him so we could get some sleep! He also got a cupcake shaped dog cookie, which he also enjoyed. We had to put Eva in the other room so he could enjoy it all by himself. And enjoy it he did!  

"Can I eat it now?"

So far (symptom wise) you still have me unable to eat chicken. Also, the heartburn with you is incredible. It didn't start till about 24 weeks with Lilly, and you've got me eating tums like candy already! You made me get up to go to the bathroom four times last night. That's a new record. Usually it's only once or twice. Im definitely feeling a heaviness in my lower abdomen (aka, you, and my uterus), and my face looks like a teenagers with all the acne that's popped up. They say that pregnancy is the wonderful time where the woman is glowing and absolutely beautiful. I don't feel like that's true! Sure, it's amazing that my body is growing another life, but the mom being beautiful? Honey, I look fat because of all the bloat, and I have a pizza face. Let's just wait till I look like I'm pregnant before we go off saying I'm beautiful just yet.

Here I am, pregnant with you. In exercise and regular clothes- both on the same day 

Yep! Just lots of bloat. But that's okay, because it's all for you.