Dear Baby Bear- week 34

Dear Baby Bear,

Welp, we've got another technically unnecessary triage trip under our belt! I ended up shopping for 4ish hours this weekend (memorial day sales!). I got home and had this maaaassive headache that just would not stop! My stomach was also really tender, and I had a terrified moment where I thought that I could have had an unknown placental abruption with you, too. I called my doctors office's after hours line, and the nurse said that if it didn't stop within an hour of taking Tylenol then I should go get checked over just in case (possible preeclampsia). That was around 7:30pm. So I took the drugs, aaaand waited. And waited. Neither ache had let up by 9:00, so off to the hospital your father and I went! Turns out nothing is wrong, I probably just over did it. You were moving around like crazy on the monitor and I had no other signs for pre e. The triage nurse who saw me was super cool, I liked her. But the NP who came around was a total jerk. She gave me a sad exasperated look when I told her I had an abruption with Lilly and that's part of the reason why I came in, and she said "you think the baby and the headache are related?" Uhm, RUDE! I came in because the on call nurse TOLD me to come in, and I also came in because my stomach was tender- a common symptom of a placental abruption! Duh. She then went on to try and treat me like I just came in to get drugs for the headache... I didn't like her... I just keep thinking about the look on her face when she said that, and I get more and more angry. Like, who CARES if I think the headache could be related to how my baby is doing??? Would she have said "you think your swollen feet and your baby are related?" or "you think your bleeding and your baby are related?" (Not that I have swollen feet or have bled this entire pregnancy- I'm actually really lucky and haven swelled up any). It just really irks me. I don't feel as if she was taking me very seriously. My instructions are to try caffeine for the headache and to take it easy for the next few days. It's 10:30pm by the time she tells me this, so there is no way in heck I'm drinking any caffeine- momma needs her beauty sleep. Besides, I didn't go in to be treated for the headache. I came in to be double checked that everything was still looking okay. I came in because I had a common symptom, of a dangerous condition, that wouldn't go away via traditional methods. 

On the bright side, my relief society threw me a baby shower! And it was super incredibly cute!!!! The hostesses did an amazing job with decorations and it was way crazy fun. We received some very thoughtful gifts, and some incredibly CUTE outfits for you to wear!

I'm also becoming more and more optimistic about your arrival. I'm having more days where I believe that you'll actually be coming home with us. It's really nice, this feeling of hope. I like it. I really hope I can keep it going. 

Oh! And I triple checked with the doctor- were still set for June 25! Just under four more weeks! 27 days!!! And because we're getting closer to your induction date, that means we're getting closer to the time when MiMi comes to visit! We're so totally going to go shopping for you. Daddy doesn't like to shop, so I'm waiting till she gets here to go with me. Hopefully by then I won't be too afraid to buy you the very few things I'd still like to have before your arrival.

Dear Baby Bear- week 32

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at 32 weeks, and look at your cute little face!!

You're so stinkin cute already. You've got your daddy's nose, and we were able to see some hair on the back of your head during the ultrasound. You're measuring right on track, and you weigh about 4lbs6oz. I had the ultrasound technician double check your heart and kidneys for me- they all look great!
I realize it's been a while since I've written. Like always, not much has happened in the weeks I've been silent. I haven't had any more scares from you, you've been moving around just fine, and you don't like sharing your momma! I'm babysitting an almost three month old, and every time he falls asleep in my arms you try to kick him away! It's super cute and really funny.
As I'm writing this, I'm super crazy excited and happy and totally reassured you're doing just fine because of the ultrasound (which was literally less than ten minutes ago). I haven't been like this lately, though. I've been freaking out about if you really are okay in there, if you really are developing correctly, if we're going to be able to take you home or not. I hope and pray that we will be. Right now I'm feeling confident that you will- ask me again in a few days and you'll probably have a different answer.
We only have 5 1/2 more weeks (I'm writing this at 32+4)! That's only 39 more days!

I took the bump shot this morning- see my shirt? Notice how it just barely fits my tummy? Yeah- that's because of you, kid. But I love you!!!! And I even love the stretch marks you're putting on my butt.

Dear Baby Bear- week 30

Dear Baby Bear,

29 weeks

I realize that I have skipped a few weeks again, and I apologize for that. We've just entered into the boring, never ending stage of pregnancy. Nothing hardly ever changes, and there aren't really all that many new updates. Sorry Baby Bear.
Once again, you gave me a good scare. This last Wednesday night, your father and I made the first of what will probably become many trips to the hospital.

your dad looks so happy! doesn't he? 

Why did we go? BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUBBORN (but very much loved) CHILD! Wednesday started out as a super good day- I was determined to be a good pregnant lady and I went for a walk with WallE. We walked two miles, and then I made some delicious pancakes (there goes the good pregnant lady award) and showered. Typically, you're pretty active around 11:00. 11:00 rolls around (about an hour and a half after I've eaten my pancakes) and you're not moving very much. I would occasionally get a little jab, but it was nothing like your normal self. I decided that since you were still moving a bit that I would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you were okay. I also figured that maybe you were just being a bit lazy and that you'd be active later. Well guess what! Later came around, and NOTHING. Still hardly any movement from you. Do you have any idea how freaky that is??? You go from being this super cool, crazy active acrobat into some slug. That is NOT okay. Your father and I ate dinner around 7:30- I took my meds with a big glass of apple juice and eat three Popsicles afterwards and waited. Aaaaaand I waited. And still nothing. You were still alive (heartbeat of 143), just not kicking. 8:30 is when you're the most active- it's when your father is able to feel you moving the most. Only this time, there wasn't any movement! So we left for the hospital. We got there around 9:00, a nurse dude let me back into the triage area, and a different nurse lady hooked me up to an NST machine. And guess what?? We could hear you moving around! I just couldn't feel you. She blamed it on my anterior placenta, and she talked to me like it was normal not to feel consistent movement all the time from you (she also talked to me like I was a bit of an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that). My only problem with her thinking is that I HAVE been getting consistent movement from you- I've been getting consistent movement since about 24 weeks. Why the sudden change? Why would you all of a sudden change your movement pattern? Why could I not feel you all of a sudden? That's what worried me the most- the change. Since then you've been your normal self (thank goodness). If anything you're a bit more active, and I'm okay with that.

We're entering our 30th week together, which means we only have eight more weeks. We have a tentative induction date set for June 25- my doctor is making a special exception for me. June 25 is a Saturday, and they don't normally induce on the weekends. He's on call that day, though, and says he'd be willing to do it then. And that makes me so happy! There's an end in sight 😊 we have a day to look forward to, and to countdown to! My next appointment is in about 2 1/2 weeks, and we will be having an ultrasound done. It's technically a growth scan, but I'm going to see if the tech will check on a few other things for me. I'm not happy with my level two ultrasound that was done ten weeks ago (ten! Ten weeks!) so I will be asking if they can quickly check your heart, kidneys, and where your cord is floating around (in addition to all the other normal stuff). I know the cord will most likely move from the position it's in after the ultrasound, but I want to know. I worry about it. It's what killed your sister, and it's what has killed many other babies.

Physically I'm still doing great- getting off the couch is a bit of a challenge, but is manageable. Im capable of getting on and off of the floor safely and easily, and I can still climb two flights of stairs (that's becoming a bit more difficult, only because you're squishing my lungs). I'm still doing all of our dog grooming, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up until delivery. I save sooooo much money doing it myself, and the dogs are much more comfortable with me doing it than someone they don't really know.

please excuse my non-attractive silly face

Your father and I got a larger vehicle! We had a tiny Ford Fiesta, and we upgraded to a Ford Escape. The fiesta would only safely allow one single specific type of car seat in the back, and that's with the front passenger seat pushed forward uncomfortably. We can pretty much put anything in the escape. We can also fit three car seats along the back and BOTH DOGS in the car- it's a family car! I absolutely love it. I also love how easy it is to get in and out of- you just have to slide in- not difficult for this pregnant lady at all! Sometimes I wish we had made the switch earlier, just because it's so much more comfortable to be in a larger car, but it's worked out perfectly for us to make the switch now.

Dear Baby Bear- week 27

Dear Baby Bear,

This week has been an emotional one. It started out pretty good! I reread some of my old journal entries and blog posts from the months after your sister died. It's so incredible to see how far I've come in the almost fourteen months since her death. I have made so much progress, even though somedays I still have my moments (I'll always have those moments, I realize). I look back on those entries, and it's like I can feel the pain again- but it's not the same pain, it doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's just a memory of the pain. I was reading, and all I could think was "wow." I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come. And of course, I'm not doing this description any justice, I'm probably just really confusing you. Gosh darn me and my way with words! I really wish I were more eloquent.
So, that was the beginning of the week. Then about midweek I had a freak out. Other than your SUA, everything seems to be going perfectly fine. And that scares me! I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with Lilly, and look how that turned out! Based on my experience, normal pregnancy=death.
This whole past week (more like weeks) I have been finding it incredibly hard to connect with you. I can't imagine that there is a two pound baby rolling and kicking inside of me. I realize that there is, I just can't "see" it in my mind. My brain wants me to believe that it's just some sort of weird internal stomach twitching, that this is all just a dream, like I just ate something weird and my body is reacting a weird way. I can't imagine your surviving... I keep having dead baby dreams- dreams in which I am told you no longer have a heartbeat and I have to deliver your lifeless body. I've been having them almost every night. My subconscious self already has your headstone picked out and your funeral planned. To make this all worse, I'm now afraid that because I keep dreaming and believing that you're going to die, that you are actually going to. There's a word that I'm looking for, but I can't seem to remember what it is... When you believe in something so hard that it actually happens? Yeah, well, apparently it's a real thing.
And then, just this weekend, jealousy, anger, and self pity have all reared their ugly heads back into my life. Why make their appearance now?
Four brand new babies... Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday (two of which were firstborns, the other two were second).
I am so incredibly happy for these mothers- I really truly am. Yes, I am jealous of their seemingly perfect deliveries and babies. Seeing their flawless little children with eyes wide open breaks my heart, but it only breaks because I never had that chance with Lilly-bug. I am so incredibly grateful that they do not have to face the same pain that I have. And it is not them that I am angry with. I am angry because I don't understand why. Why did it have to be my child who passed away? Why am I the one who has been assigned this burden? For one of these mamas, I have no feelings but happiness for. Her first was stillborn just a month after Lilly, and my heart truly rejoices for her and her husband on the safe arrival of their second child. Two mothers I have mixed feelings for- I don't know too much of their personal histories, but my self pity tries it's hardest to reach in and steal the joy I have for them. And then the last one? I don't understand. It's one of those families that you would never wish a child to be knowingly brought into- and that's what makes me saddest. That's when the "why me"s pop in their hardest. Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it to you more in person. Maybe I'll just hand you my personal journal and let you read the entries for this past weekend...

27 weeks!

What's new this week? Well, I've taken off my wedding rings- they were a tight fit on Thursday morning, so I figured it was time to take them off before they got stuck on during my afternoon swelling. Also! You have learned that my cervix is incredibly entertaining to hit. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but you enjoy it. And it's VERY uncomfortable! Pregnancy still sucks, I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to carry your life (even if I have trouble imagining you), and I am still incredibly in love with you and the idea of bringing you home. Oh! And we're officially in the third trimester! Which means only eleven more weeks!

Dear Baby Bear- week 26

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now entering week 26! Once again, an uneventful week. How boring! I want to start our weekly appointments already. With Lilly I started them at 28 weeks, but this doc wants to start them at 32. We shall see what happens! Since I don't have much to say, I figured I'd fill in one of those obnoxious-yet-satisfying pregnancy blog update post things.... So! Here we go-

How far along are you? 26 weeks! 12 more to go

How I’m feeling: I'm feeling pretty good! I still have incredible heartburn and I've started having some pain in the joints where the sacrum and iliac connect, but other then that I'm fine.

Total weight gain: No idea. I don't like to focus on my weight- it's not good for my OCD personality. I'm definitely getting bigger, that's for sure!

How big is baby? Assuming that you're a normal size, you're almost two pounds and just over 14 inches long. It's incredible to think that you're this large already! Most of the time, I'm still imagining you as apple sized. I've been googling pictures of 26 weeks gestation premie babies, and it's crazy to think that you're so big, and yet still so small!

Maternity clothes: Wait, I'm supposed to be wearing clothes??? Hahaha! Most of the time, I just walk around the house in one of your dads shirts and some underwear! When I do have to get dressed, I do wear my maternity pants and a maternity shirt (or one of your dads shirts again). I can still squeeze into my medium sized t-shirts still, but they're starting to recede a little too far on my belly now.

Sleep: I’m pretty lucky for a pregnant lady- I sleep through the night! I go to bed around 9 or ten, and then wake up to go to the bathroom once around 6, snooze till 7, and then I'm up for the day. Occasionally I'll take a nap during the afternoon, but only on super lazy days. I'm still kind of sleeping on my tummy, and laying on my back has become impossible.

Movement: I've been getting some pretty awesome kicks out of you lately! I tried uploading a video of my tummy moving and you going crazy, but it wouldn't work. Your father can just lean against my belly now and feel you moving around.

Food Cravings: Mimi's rolls, Chex mix, soda- oh my gosh, the soda! I'm constantly craving a Coke or a Dr Pepper. I'm a good pregnant mommy though, and I only drink one maybe once a week. Your father and I try not to keep soda in the house, because we end up drinking it way too fast.

Food aversions: Still, with the chicken.

Belly button in or out: Its in, but it's definitely getting flatter

What I Miss: Ease of movement! Getting off the couch is becoming quite difficult. As is getting in/out of the car.

What I’m looking forward to: My next doctors appointment. Hopefully I'll be able to scheduled our next ultrasound then.

Milestone: Uh. I don't know. You're still alive and kicking? Does that count as a milestone?

OH MY GOSH I ALMOST FORGOT! You scared the CRAP out of me the other day! I wake up at seven, like I normally do on the weekdays and I shower and eat breakfast, and I notice that during the almost two hours I had been up and awake, Eva hadn't left my side. She was always trying to touch me, to lean up against me, and was just super clingy. She isn't always like that, only when she's sick and she wasn't sick this time. And that, my dear Baby Bear, is when I realize I didn't wake up to you kicking me, and I hadn't felt you since being awake. Talk about freak out moment! So I grab the Doppler and start searching for your little heartbeat. It took me a few minutes, but I finally found you- thankfully! At this point, I'm calming down because your heart is still beating at 144 beats per minute, but I'm still worried because you're not wiggling around like you normally do. I had a pretty sugary breakfast, so the only thing left to do before driving to the doctors office was to drink cold water (or juice, but I didn't have any juice) and lay down. You're supposed to wait thirty minutes to an hour after doing everything you can to get baby moving before going in. IT TOOK YOU TWENTY FREAKING MINUETS YOU LITTLE STINKER!!!!! Gosh! Were you trying to give me a heart attack? Cuz if you do, we'll both be dead! I don't think your father would be too fond of the idea of a dead wife and two dead children. Everything has been fine since that one freak out moment, and it's like you know you worried me because you've been moving around more than before since that day. I'm hoping and praying that this is just you reassuring me, and not some warning sign of cord compression (excessive movement and reduced movement are both signs of cord compression. Oh, and excessive hiccuping).

Look at all the puppy cuddles you've been getting!

Dear Baby Bear- week 25

Dear Baby Bear,

24 week comparison with your sister! I feel as if I was the same weight, my belly would be about the same size

I know, I know. I skipped another week. There just wasn't anything to say! There isn't a whole lot for this week, either. I had my 24 week appointment this past Wednesday. Totally boring and uneventful. My doctor didn't know about your SUA yet, though, so I guess that could count as exciting. Apparently, UAMS (the place I went to for the level 2 ultrasound) sent over a report stating that everything was perfectly fine and there weren't any abnormalities. That is definitely NOT what they told me. So my doctor is supposed to be getting ahold of them and figuring everything out. I did my glucose testing and haven't heard anything back about that, so I'm guessing I passed- no news is good news!
I also "toured" the hospital in which I will be delivering you in. Turns out, I picked one of the most baby friendly hospitals ever, and I love that! They're crazy pro breastfeeding, kangaroo care, rooming in, etc. They don't even supply pacifiers- parents are encouraged NOT to use them (which I totally understand, but you're going to be a binky baby). They also really encourage birth plans, which I think is super stupid. I've never liked the idea of birth plans, and the lady showing me around was incredibly insistent that I have one. My birth plan? Get you out safely with as little physical harm to me as possible. I'll probably eventually write something up... I've already started on some rules regarding visitors for when you finally arrive. I know that sounds kind of silly, but you'd be surprised at how many ignorant people there are out there! That, and I'm super paranoid about you getting sick- one of your aunts was hospitalized with RSV when she was a baby, and your Great Aunt T (who Lilly is buried next too) passed away from RSV as well. I've already had one baby die, I don't want you to die too. I promise that someday I'll be less of a helicopter parent. But for now, and probably the first few years of your life, I will be there every step of the way ensuring your safety. I'll let you eat dirt when you're a bit older, and I won't care too much if Eva licks your face and eats Cheerios right out of your mouth. Heck, I might even start letting you play with knives and matches (in a safe controlled environment) when you're four! But there will be rules and you will be taught how to be safe, because I won't always be there to protect you. That makes me sad to vocalize (or, visualize, since I'm typing this). I will try my darn hardest to be there, though! For as long as I can.
As I'm writing this, you are happily (well, I'm assuming you're happy) rolling around in my stomach. I've felt a few punches today that were aimed at the placenta, hopefully this just means you're getting stronger. I am loving every single movement that you make, and I am enjoying every uncomfortable moment of this pregnancy with you. 

Have I talked about how you're already getting up into my ribs? You have been, for at least two weeks now. Oh, and the heartburn? Absolute hell. But I love it, and I love you.

25 weeks! Happy Easter!

Dear Baby Bear- week 23

Dear Baby Bear,

I love waking up to your movements, it's very reassuring! You're still hitting the placenta most of the time, but I can occasionally feel your little taps. I also feel like you're already trying to go up into my ribs! It should be too early for that!
You're 23 weeks today, and that means you have a very small chance of surviving outside of my womb with intensive medical help. The age of viability is 24 weeks, but some hospitals will try to save a baby at 23 weeks. Of course you would have several disabilities (mental and physical) but you'd be here, and hopefully alive. But I don't want you to come out just yet- you keep cooking till at least June 25.
I don't have an appointment for another week and a half, so you're gonna have to wait to hear about your size or how you're doing or anything like that. I'm going to try and see if they'll give me an ultrasound- just for reassurance that you're doing okay. I'll also hopefully be discussing more in depth about your condition and the results of your anatomy scan. I never got a call about coming in and talking with my OB, so no news is good news, right?
Baby Bear, there are now nine different friends who have publicly announced their pregnancies on Facebook- they're all due within a month of you. This worries me. Before, when I was expecting your sister, there were only four other women due around her due date- so five of us in total. Well, you know what? 1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage or stillbirth. Last time, I was the statistic. I was the mother who's pregnancy ended in a fatality, the 1 in 160 who's birth ended in a stillbirth. And now there are ten of us waiting for little babies? That's really pushing it! Statistically, at least one person is going to lose their baby. And it scares me, because I don't want to be that one again. And I don't want anyone else to feel the pain of child loss- it really, REALLY, sucks! I'm scared, Baby Bear. I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.

23 Weeks and wearing papa bear's shirts!