Dear Baby Bear- week three of LIFE!

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now three weeks old! Oh my GOODNESS! The time has just flown by. We had been told that it would, and I'm begging that it slows down! I don't want you to get big- I want you to stay small forever and ever. You're easier to cuddle that way! And you're incredibly stinkin cute as an itty bitty baby. I really should have gotten this letter written and posted within the first week of your life, but I have been soaking you in and learning how to adjust being a family of THREE now.



Your delivery into this world was similar to your sisters- incredibly easy and quick! The only differences is that you're alive and I didn't develop a hematoma this time. I'll post the detailed version later.

We've had a few bumps in the road regarding your health- when we left he hospital, your bilirubin levels were at 5.4- higher than normal, but not bad. Just a few days later though, it was up to 17 and you were dehydrated. You refused to stay awake to nurse, so I had to pump and practically force feed you every few hours. You lost almost an entire pound in your first three days of life. I realize that it's normal, but it still scared the heck out of me! Thankfully you never had to be hospitalized and we finally have everything worked out. You're back up to birth weight (you were actually 2oz heavier at your appointment last week) but now we're working on your belly button problems. You have an umbilical hernia and umbilical granuloma- both of which you can blame on your SUA. Our pediatrician isn't worried about your hernia- your guts aren't sticking out or anything, but your granuloma is still oozing. We've had two silver nitrate treatments done to it so far, and it's still really gross. But I've finally found a way to keep your clothes from being stained by the blood and the ooz! Panty liners! They stick to your shirt, and your belly button can still get airflow! I thought it was a GENIUS idea.

So far, you're an incredibly easy baby. You sleep, eat, and poop. You've peed on me almost every day, and haven't had any poopy blow outs yet. You do NOT like sleeping in your bed- you prefer to sleep next to me in mommy and daddy's bed. You're still wearing everything in a newborn size, and even then some clothes are still too big! The dogs acknowledge your existence, but they don't really try to interact with you- Eva will bring you a ball every now and then, when neither daddy or I will throw it for her.

I am so incredibly blessed to be your mother. I am loving every moment we have together, even the ones when you're screaming because I've sprayed saline up your nose. It's hard to imagine that I should have been doing all of this with your sister just a year ago. Now that we have you, she's beginning to seem like a distant dream instead of my past. I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. Isn't that funny? Me feeling horrible because I'm finally happy and no longer dwelling on her death? She's definitely still a part of our family and I think of her often, but it's just in passing and I don't linger on those thoughts for long. Our family finally feels like its almost right again.

And now, some of my favorite pictures of you from your first few weeks of life!

I can really see the resemblance between you and Lilly in this photo

You were not happy about being in the car at this point in time!

You were stretching, and I happened to catch this lovely face!

Baby Bear's Delivery

Alright, so- BIRTH STORY! My mother, Mr. Barcenas, and I all arrived at the hospital at 5:00pm Friday evening. 

Last puppy cuddles before Baby Bear joins us!

(Dad doesn't smile for selfies) Last selfie before entering the hospital!

My OB decided that it was best to use cytotec to soften my cervix and then we would start pitocin on Saturday, the 25th (we did the same for Lilly's delivery). I was barely a fingertip dilated, maybe %50 effaced, and baby hadn't dropped at all when we went in. I received my first dosage of cytotec at 6:00pm, my second double dosage at midnight, and we started pitocin at 6:00am on Saturday! The cytotec didn't soften my cervix as much as my doctor would have liked, but it worked a bit (when I say "a bit" I mean not at all). By 7:30 I had dilated to about 3cm and the pitocin was increased. My nurses continued to up the pit every hour until around 10:00. This is when my OB came in to do a cervical check and OH. MY. GOSH. I'm no newb when it comes to checks- this is my second baby. But for some incredibly crazy reason, I could not to stand them while pregnant with Baby Bear! They were SO painful! This last one was particularly bad. I was trying to climb my way up the top of the bed while Doctor was trying to feel where baby was at. It felt like he was trying to dig his knuckles into the area I had my hematoma, which is/was still tender. Sooooo not fun at all. It was because of this that we decided to place the epidural before they'd break my water. Epidurals are the most amazing thing in the history of amazing things- seriously. Oh! And my anesthesiologist! He had the most calming, level toned voice. It was like a caring monotone. So crazy. Anyways, so I get the epidural, doc breaks my water (which feels way cool- he kept pressing on my belly and it kept gushing out) and the pit is increased some more. Around 11:45 I was dilated to a stretchy 5, and the nurses note that Baby Bears heart rate was dropping a bit during contractions- this is completely normal for a baby who is engaged in the birth canal, but Baby Bear wasn't, so it was weird and a bit worrisome. And scary! Once they told me he was having decelerations, I was like "okay! Prep me for surgery! We're getting him out NOW!" Of course I didn't say all of that in reality, I was just thinking it. But I worried. I knew before that it was very likely we would have some decelerations because of his cord abnormality, but I was hoping and praying we wouldn't. My nurses flipped me onto my sides to get his heart rate back to where it was supposed to be- I had to stay on my right side (it's the only one baby liked!) and the epidural really numbed me up. Do you have any idea how weird it is not to be able to feel an entire side of your body? It's so freaking cool!

I looked like a beached whale!

 12:45 comes along and I'm about 8cm and baby STILL hasn't dropped. 1:30 and I'm 10cm, and baby is only around -2. He just wanted to stay up there in my ribs and never come out, but too bad so sad! He was being evicted. 1:30 my nurse asks me to do a few practice pushes and I oblige- baby comes down into my pelvis a bit but goes right back up when I'm no longer applying pressure. Doctor is called but he's away delivering one of the other four babies that would be born within a few hours of each other that day. Of course it's once I'm told this I can feel my body pushing Baby Bear out on its own! Doc finally shows up after what feels like forever (but is only a few minutes) and out pops Baby Bear at 1:47- and I bawled like a baby! While they were setting everything up and transforming the delivery bed, I just looked at Mr. Barcenas and started crying. I can think about the experience now and I just feel all these overwhelming emotions- I don't even know how to describe them all. Worry, anxiety, excitement, grief, happiness, sadness, anger, love- I think I pretty much experienced every feeling possible in those last few moments before Baby Bear came into our lives. 

Okay- back to the story. So. 1:47. I think I only pushed for three contractions? Our little boy popped out and he was blue and covered in vernix and my OB was suctioning fluid from his mouth and he wasn't crying. This is the moment when I experienced the longest seven seconds of my entire life. These seven seconds seemed to last an eternity. The entire time, I prayed. I prayed that Baby Bear was safe- that he would breath that first breath of life and that he would cry. In those seven seconds I promised God that I would never find my baby's cries annoying, that I would never get angry because he was being too loud. I'm pretty sure I promised a whole bunch of other stuff, too, but I can't remember what those promises were. 

And then finally- a cry! It was a little one, but it still counts! And I just BAWLED my head off- I was sobbing and laughing and smiling and just sooooo grateful he was okay. I was able to just hold him and look at him and cuddle his cute little body and soul while the placenta was delivered (it came out really quick this time, too) and my doctor fixed me up. I didn't have any tearing, but I was able to have a bunch of scar tissue from Lilly's delivery removed. His APGAR scores were 8 and 10, he weighed 7lbs11oz, and was 21 inches long- just as long as his sister, but a whole 10oz heavier! And two weeks earlier! 

Recovery this time around has been so much easier. I wasn't nearly as swollen, I didn't tear, I didn't develop a hematoma- it's been great! I am definitely counting my blessings. After I delivered Lilly, I didn't want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay there as long as possible- I think it was because I didn't want to face reality. With Baby Bear, I couldn't WAIT to leave. We had to stay the mandatory 24 hours and it felt like forever- I just wanted to get home to cuddle my baby in my own comfy bed. We were able to leave around 3:00 Sunday afternoon, so we were there for a total of 46 hours. 

Daddy holding Baby Bear for the first time

First bath in the hospital!

Leaving the hospital with a BABY!

Eva checkin up on him

Dear Baby Bear- week 35

Dear Baby Bear,

Lookin' pretty cute!

YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I had my weekly appointment today, like I do every Wednesday, and I had an NST done, like I've had done for the past few weeks. My doctor is out of town this week, so I ended up seeing a different doctor at the practice, who I will call Substitute Doctor. I get hooked up to the NST machine, and they nurse finally finds a good spot to put the heart rate monitor, and then she leaves. You're wiggling around like always, I'm marking your movements like I'm supposed to, but I'm also watching the screen and the printout of our test. What's wrong with it this week? Your heart rate isn't accelerating like it normally does and it's slower than normal, too. Today, you were hanging out in the 130-145 range. Normally, you hang in the 145-150 range, and it goes all the way up to the 170s while you're kicking around. It wouldn't do that today! We just had this nice flat line- like you were sleeping, only you WEREN'T. You were moving and jumping around (I ate an orange, two bananas, and a bunch of grapes before going in to my appointment). I tell the nurse that I'm uncomfortable with the results, and she takes the readout to the Substitute Doctor and leaves me hooked up to the machine. She comes back five minutes later and says that the doctor said it was fine. Uhm, excuse me? That's not fine- that's not normal for you, how could this be fine? So I get my shirt settled over my big belly once again and we go to the exam room to wait on the doc. He comes in, and I tell him I'm not happy with the NST. He says you look perfectly fine and asks me about kick counts. I tell him I can get 10 within an hour during your active times, but you haven't been moving nearly as much as normal the past few days. "Babies start to run out of room towards the end of pregnancy." Thanks for that little tidbit, doc, but I was told that just a WEEK before my daughter passed away. "You want more reassurance that this baby is doing okay, and there's no way that I can give that to you." YES YOU CAN! You can keep me on the machine for longer than 15 minutes- you can take me in for a biophysical profile to make sure everything is going great. GAH! Obviously, Substitute Doctor is an idiot and I will not be seeing him again. Want to know the super freaky part about all of this, though? On January 19, 2015 I was 35 weeks pregnant with your sister. I went in for an NST, and the nurse wasn't happy with the read out- she wasn't seeing the heart rate accelerations she wanted to see. So you know what SHE did? She kept me hooked up for over an hour and made sure I had sugar in my system. I'm 35 weeks and four days pregnant with you right now. Oh the similarities! You're still moving around, so I guess you're okay in that sense for right now. I've emailed my normal doctor and have asked him to review the scan as soon as he gets back to the office, and I've got this fuzzy picture out to a few of my lady doctor friends to see what they think of it.

(like I said, not exactly the best photo)

This whole pregnancy after loss is a freaking nightmare!

The biggest difference so far between my pregnancy with you compared to your sisters is that you hardly ever have the hiccups. Lilly would have them 10+ times a day- it was almost as if she never stopped hiccuping. I only notice you hiccuping every other day or two- it isn't a daily occurrence, and for that I am grateful. Shortly after your sister passed, I scoured the Internet looking for signs of cord compression- things that I should have noticed and reported, but never did. The biggest one I found was excessive hiccuping... I'm still kicking myself for thinking they were funny and cute... If only I had known then what I know now... It probably wouldn't have changed much since she passed all her NSTs and BPPs, too, but would have been nice to know...

I haven't been talking about her or my feelings as much in these letters as I did toward the beginning. I think that's because I'm trying to put on a brave face for those that read my posts.

How about we have a little "to be honest" moment?

To be honest, I'm scared. I really truly am. We are nearing the end of my pregnancy with you, and I'm scared I won't be able to take you home. I keep putting off the purchase of your car seat- I really don't want to have it sitting in the car, or sitting in the living room, just staring at me, constantly reminding me that we never used your sisters (it wouldn't fit in a closet and I hated the reminder, so we gave it to a family in need). I'm afraid that we will have to walk away from the hospital empty handed again. I'm afraid to really truly get everything prepared for you. I'm afraid to buy any clothes larger than 0-3 months (SIDS... It scares me). Buying clothes for you even scares me- how likely is it that you will come home to us and wear them? I'm afraid to finish the blanket that I'm knitting you, and I'm afraid to start any more sewing projects that would be convenient to have when you arrive. And the whole NST 35 week thing from today really freaks me out...

And yet, I am so very excited and hopeful. I packed your diaper bag- it may be hiding in the back of my closet (and will probably stay there until your father brings it to the hospital the morning we are being released) but at least it's packed! It was a hard thing to do, too. Who'd have thought that throwing together a few outfits and a blanket would be difficult? Stupid anxiety... I'm excited to see your face, to see what you look like. Obviously you'll look like your father, but there's a chance you'll have some of me in you! I'm excited to plan for your future- my anxiety currently makes that incredibly difficult, I can't seem to plan past your delivery, but once you're here it will be easier.

I am now going to go sit in bed and eat an entire pineapple by myself. Why? Supposedly it's supposed to help soften the cervix! If you're coming out of that thing in a little less than three weeks, we've gotta get it prepped! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 34

Dear Baby Bear,

Welp, we've got another technically unnecessary triage trip under our belt! I ended up shopping for 4ish hours this weekend (memorial day sales!). I got home and had this maaaassive headache that just would not stop! My stomach was also really tender, and I had a terrified moment where I thought that I could have had an unknown placental abruption with you, too. I called my doctors office's after hours line, and the nurse said that if it didn't stop within an hour of taking Tylenol then I should go get checked over just in case (possible preeclampsia). That was around 7:30pm. So I took the drugs, aaaand waited. And waited. Neither ache had let up by 9:00, so off to the hospital your father and I went! Turns out nothing is wrong, I probably just over did it. You were moving around like crazy on the monitor and I had no other signs for pre e. The triage nurse who saw me was super cool, I liked her. But the NP who came around was a total jerk. She gave me a sad exasperated look when I told her I had an abruption with Lilly and that's part of the reason why I came in, and she said "you think the baby and the headache are related?" Uhm, RUDE! I came in because the on call nurse TOLD me to come in, and I also came in because my stomach was tender- a common symptom of a placental abruption! Duh. She then went on to try and treat me like I just came in to get drugs for the headache... I didn't like her... I just keep thinking about the look on her face when she said that, and I get more and more angry. Like, who CARES if I think the headache could be related to how my baby is doing??? Would she have said "you think your swollen feet and your baby are related?" or "you think your bleeding and your baby are related?" (Not that I have swollen feet or have bled this entire pregnancy- I'm actually really lucky and haven swelled up any). It just really irks me. I don't feel as if she was taking me very seriously. My instructions are to try caffeine for the headache and to take it easy for the next few days. It's 10:30pm by the time she tells me this, so there is no way in heck I'm drinking any caffeine- momma needs her beauty sleep. Besides, I didn't go in to be treated for the headache. I came in to be double checked that everything was still looking okay. I came in because I had a common symptom, of a dangerous condition, that wouldn't go away via traditional methods. 

On the bright side, my relief society threw me a baby shower! And it was super incredibly cute!!!! The hostesses did an amazing job with decorations and it was way crazy fun. We received some very thoughtful gifts, and some incredibly CUTE outfits for you to wear!

I'm also becoming more and more optimistic about your arrival. I'm having more days where I believe that you'll actually be coming home with us. It's really nice, this feeling of hope. I like it. I really hope I can keep it going. 

Oh! And I triple checked with the doctor- were still set for June 25! Just under four more weeks! 27 days!!! And because we're getting closer to your induction date, that means we're getting closer to the time when MiMi comes to visit! We're so totally going to go shopping for you. Daddy doesn't like to shop, so I'm waiting till she gets here to go with me. Hopefully by then I won't be too afraid to buy you the very few things I'd still like to have before your arrival.

Dear Baby Bear- week 32

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at 32 weeks, and look at your cute little face!!

You're so stinkin cute already. You've got your daddy's nose, and we were able to see some hair on the back of your head during the ultrasound. You're measuring right on track, and you weigh about 4lbs6oz. I had the ultrasound technician double check your heart and kidneys for me- they all look great!
I realize it's been a while since I've written. Like always, not much has happened in the weeks I've been silent. I haven't had any more scares from you, you've been moving around just fine, and you don't like sharing your momma! I'm babysitting an almost three month old, and every time he falls asleep in my arms you try to kick him away! It's super cute and really funny.
As I'm writing this, I'm super crazy excited and happy and totally reassured you're doing just fine because of the ultrasound (which was literally less than ten minutes ago). I haven't been like this lately, though. I've been freaking out about if you really are okay in there, if you really are developing correctly, if we're going to be able to take you home or not. I hope and pray that we will be. Right now I'm feeling confident that you will- ask me again in a few days and you'll probably have a different answer.
We only have 5 1/2 more weeks (I'm writing this at 32+4)! That's only 39 more days!

I took the bump shot this morning- see my shirt? Notice how it just barely fits my tummy? Yeah- that's because of you, kid. But I love you!!!! And I even love the stretch marks you're putting on my butt.

Dear Baby Bear- week 30

Dear Baby Bear,

29 weeks

I realize that I have skipped a few weeks again, and I apologize for that. We've just entered into the boring, never ending stage of pregnancy. Nothing hardly ever changes, and there aren't really all that many new updates. Sorry Baby Bear.
Once again, you gave me a good scare. This last Wednesday night, your father and I made the first of what will probably become many trips to the hospital.

your dad looks so happy! doesn't he? 

Why did we go? BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUBBORN (but very much loved) CHILD! Wednesday started out as a super good day- I was determined to be a good pregnant lady and I went for a walk with WallE. We walked two miles, and then I made some delicious pancakes (there goes the good pregnant lady award) and showered. Typically, you're pretty active around 11:00. 11:00 rolls around (about an hour and a half after I've eaten my pancakes) and you're not moving very much. I would occasionally get a little jab, but it was nothing like your normal self. I decided that since you were still moving a bit that I would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you were okay. I also figured that maybe you were just being a bit lazy and that you'd be active later. Well guess what! Later came around, and NOTHING. Still hardly any movement from you. Do you have any idea how freaky that is??? You go from being this super cool, crazy active acrobat into some slug. That is NOT okay. Your father and I ate dinner around 7:30- I took my meds with a big glass of apple juice and eat three Popsicles afterwards and waited. Aaaaaand I waited. And still nothing. You were still alive (heartbeat of 143), just not kicking. 8:30 is when you're the most active- it's when your father is able to feel you moving the most. Only this time, there wasn't any movement! So we left for the hospital. We got there around 9:00, a nurse dude let me back into the triage area, and a different nurse lady hooked me up to an NST machine. And guess what?? We could hear you moving around! I just couldn't feel you. She blamed it on my anterior placenta, and she talked to me like it was normal not to feel consistent movement all the time from you (she also talked to me like I was a bit of an idiot, but there's nothing I can do about that). My only problem with her thinking is that I HAVE been getting consistent movement from you- I've been getting consistent movement since about 24 weeks. Why the sudden change? Why would you all of a sudden change your movement pattern? Why could I not feel you all of a sudden? That's what worried me the most- the change. Since then you've been your normal self (thank goodness). If anything you're a bit more active, and I'm okay with that.

We're entering our 30th week together, which means we only have eight more weeks. We have a tentative induction date set for June 25- my doctor is making a special exception for me. June 25 is a Saturday, and they don't normally induce on the weekends. He's on call that day, though, and says he'd be willing to do it then. And that makes me so happy! There's an end in sight 😊 we have a day to look forward to, and to countdown to! My next appointment is in about 2 1/2 weeks, and we will be having an ultrasound done. It's technically a growth scan, but I'm going to see if the tech will check on a few other things for me. I'm not happy with my level two ultrasound that was done ten weeks ago (ten! Ten weeks!) so I will be asking if they can quickly check your heart, kidneys, and where your cord is floating around (in addition to all the other normal stuff). I know the cord will most likely move from the position it's in after the ultrasound, but I want to know. I worry about it. It's what killed your sister, and it's what has killed many other babies.

Physically I'm still doing great- getting off the couch is a bit of a challenge, but is manageable. Im capable of getting on and off of the floor safely and easily, and I can still climb two flights of stairs (that's becoming a bit more difficult, only because you're squishing my lungs). I'm still doing all of our dog grooming, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to keep it up until delivery. I save sooooo much money doing it myself, and the dogs are much more comfortable with me doing it than someone they don't really know.

please excuse my non-attractive silly face

Your father and I got a larger vehicle! We had a tiny Ford Fiesta, and we upgraded to a Ford Escape. The fiesta would only safely allow one single specific type of car seat in the back, and that's with the front passenger seat pushed forward uncomfortably. We can pretty much put anything in the escape. We can also fit three car seats along the back and BOTH DOGS in the car- it's a family car! I absolutely love it. I also love how easy it is to get in and out of- you just have to slide in- not difficult for this pregnant lady at all! Sometimes I wish we had made the switch earlier, just because it's so much more comfortable to be in a larger car, but it's worked out perfectly for us to make the switch now.

Dear Baby Bear- week 27

Dear Baby Bear,

This week has been an emotional one. It started out pretty good! I reread some of my old journal entries and blog posts from the months after your sister died. It's so incredible to see how far I've come in the almost fourteen months since her death. I have made so much progress, even though somedays I still have my moments (I'll always have those moments, I realize). I look back on those entries, and it's like I can feel the pain again- but it's not the same pain, it doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's just a memory of the pain. I was reading, and all I could think was "wow." I'm pretty proud of myself for how far I've come. And of course, I'm not doing this description any justice, I'm probably just really confusing you. Gosh darn me and my way with words! I really wish I were more eloquent.
So, that was the beginning of the week. Then about midweek I had a freak out. Other than your SUA, everything seems to be going perfectly fine. And that scares me! I had a perfectly normal pregnancy with Lilly, and look how that turned out! Based on my experience, normal pregnancy=death.
This whole past week (more like weeks) I have been finding it incredibly hard to connect with you. I can't imagine that there is a two pound baby rolling and kicking inside of me. I realize that there is, I just can't "see" it in my mind. My brain wants me to believe that it's just some sort of weird internal stomach twitching, that this is all just a dream, like I just ate something weird and my body is reacting a weird way. I can't imagine your surviving... I keep having dead baby dreams- dreams in which I am told you no longer have a heartbeat and I have to deliver your lifeless body. I've been having them almost every night. My subconscious self already has your headstone picked out and your funeral planned. To make this all worse, I'm now afraid that because I keep dreaming and believing that you're going to die, that you are actually going to. There's a word that I'm looking for, but I can't seem to remember what it is... When you believe in something so hard that it actually happens? Yeah, well, apparently it's a real thing.
And then, just this weekend, jealousy, anger, and self pity have all reared their ugly heads back into my life. Why make their appearance now?
Four brand new babies... Two on Friday, one on Saturday, and one on Sunday (two of which were firstborns, the other two were second).
I am so incredibly happy for these mothers- I really truly am. Yes, I am jealous of their seemingly perfect deliveries and babies. Seeing their flawless little children with eyes wide open breaks my heart, but it only breaks because I never had that chance with Lilly-bug. I am so incredibly grateful that they do not have to face the same pain that I have. And it is not them that I am angry with. I am angry because I don't understand why. Why did it have to be my child who passed away? Why am I the one who has been assigned this burden? For one of these mamas, I have no feelings but happiness for. Her first was stillborn just a month after Lilly, and my heart truly rejoices for her and her husband on the safe arrival of their second child. Two mothers I have mixed feelings for- I don't know too much of their personal histories, but my self pity tries it's hardest to reach in and steal the joy I have for them. And then the last one? I don't understand. It's one of those families that you would never wish a child to be knowingly brought into- and that's what makes me saddest. That's when the "why me"s pop in their hardest. Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it to you more in person. Maybe I'll just hand you my personal journal and let you read the entries for this past weekend...

27 weeks!

What's new this week? Well, I've taken off my wedding rings- they were a tight fit on Thursday morning, so I figured it was time to take them off before they got stuck on during my afternoon swelling. Also! You have learned that my cervix is incredibly entertaining to hit. Don't ask me why, because I don't know, but you enjoy it. And it's VERY uncomfortable! Pregnancy still sucks, I am still incredibly grateful for the opportunity to carry your life (even if I have trouble imagining you), and I am still incredibly in love with you and the idea of bringing you home. Oh! And we're officially in the third trimester! Which means only eleven more weeks!