Dear Baby Bear- month two of LIFE

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now two months old! It's amazing what a difference one month can make.

You weigh 11 pounds and four ounces as of this morning, and you're 23.5 inches long. You wear size one diapers, and all of your newborn onesies are too small. Newborn pants still fit you around the waist, but are way too short.
You're getting so big!

You only wake up once or twice a night to eat- you usually go to bed around 9:00, wake to eat at 2:00/3:00, and then again around 5:00/6:00, and then you sleep until 8:00. I have no complaints about that! You've recently begun sleeping in your own bed. Occasionally you'll have a really fussy evening so I'll let you sleep the first stretch with me and you dad, and then I'll put you back in your pack'n'play after you've eaten.

You've been consistently smiling for a while now- it's amazing! I LOVE seeing your little face light up. We're still working on your head control, but you HATE tummy time so that's a little difficult.

Eva loves to join you for tummy time!

You love staring at the ceiling fan, and you have yet to show an interest in toys. You do, however, LOVE music, particularly music from the movie Frozen. I'll set you in the bouncer while I'm making dinner with the Disney station on Pandora playing in the background. As soon as "Love is an Open Door" or "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" comes on, you start kicking your legs and cooing- it's the cutest thing ever! (Hahaha- we're listening to pandora right now and you had just fallen asleep while nursing- "Let it go" came on and you woke up)

Yeah, this is you, staring at the fan

You received your shots this morning- you did great! You screamed for less than a minute, and you've been taking your Tylenol willingly- even excitedly! You really seem to like grape (I really like grape, too!). You've slept for most of the day, and have cried the rest of it. But that's okay, I still love you. It's important to me that you receive you immunizations. A little discomfort on both our ends is a sacrifice I'm willing to take (I can't say the same for you, but I think a small jab in the leg is much more comfortable than meningitis).

Before shots

after shots

It saddens me that your growing up because I want you to stay a tiny baby forever, but I am so excited for what lies ahead! You'll be walking and talking before I even know it. I am sooooo not ready for that just yet. For now, I'll keep trying to soak in as much of this infant stage as possible.

Mandatory naked baby picture 

Dear Baby Bear- month one

Dear Baby Bear,

You are one month old- that is so crazy! It feels like you've been in our lives forever and yet again it feels like you joined us just yesterday. 

In these past few weeks:

-You smiled! And I think it was an almost on purpose smile? It definitely wasn't just a gassy smirk. I was making faces at you, and you made one back! It was the biggest, gummiest, happiest newborn baby smile EVER! You completely melted my heart. You've also started practicing your smile more. Soon you'll be giggling!

-You also growled at me! Yeah- you read that right- GROWLED. I was nursing you, you popped off, glared at my breast, growled, and then buried your face right back into me. It was the funniest thing! 

-You finally pooped on me! I was putting butt paste on your butt (duh- where else would I put it?) and pffffft! Out the poop came! It was like projectile poop. Guess that's what happens when I've got your legs in the air!

-You still aren't a big fan of baths, but you don't scream bloody murder anymore

-Tummy time is beginning to entertain you more 

-You're still wearing newborn sized clothing and diapers, but you're starting to get too long for your sleepers

-You LOVE to sleep with me and daddy, and you HATE sleeping in your own bed at night 

-Your head control is becoming much better

-I think we FINALLY have this whole nursing thing down! It doesn't hurt anymore!

Dear Baby Bear- week three of LIFE!

Dear Baby Bear,

You are now three weeks old! Oh my GOODNESS! The time has just flown by. We had been told that it would, and I'm begging that it slows down! I don't want you to get big- I want you to stay small forever and ever. You're easier to cuddle that way! And you're incredibly stinkin cute as an itty bitty baby. I really should have gotten this letter written and posted within the first week of your life, but I have been soaking you in and learning how to adjust being a family of THREE now.



Your delivery into this world was similar to your sisters- incredibly easy and quick! The only differences is that you're alive and I didn't develop a hematoma this time. I'll post the detailed version later.

We've had a few bumps in the road regarding your health- when we left he hospital, your bilirubin levels were at 5.4- higher than normal, but not bad. Just a few days later though, it was up to 17 and you were dehydrated. You refused to stay awake to nurse, so I had to pump and practically force feed you every few hours. You lost almost an entire pound in your first three days of life. I realize that it's normal, but it still scared the heck out of me! Thankfully you never had to be hospitalized and we finally have everything worked out. You're back up to birth weight (you were actually 2oz heavier at your appointment last week) but now we're working on your belly button problems. You have an umbilical hernia and umbilical granuloma- both of which you can blame on your SUA. Our pediatrician isn't worried about your hernia- your guts aren't sticking out or anything, but your granuloma is still oozing. We've had two silver nitrate treatments done to it so far, and it's still really gross. But I've finally found a way to keep your clothes from being stained by the blood and the ooz! Panty liners! They stick to your shirt, and your belly button can still get airflow! I thought it was a GENIUS idea.

So far, you're an incredibly easy baby. You sleep, eat, and poop. You've peed on me almost every day, and haven't had any poopy blow outs yet. You do NOT like sleeping in your bed- you prefer to sleep next to me in mommy and daddy's bed. You're still wearing everything in a newborn size, and even then some clothes are still too big! The dogs acknowledge your existence, but they don't really try to interact with you- Eva will bring you a ball every now and then, when neither daddy or I will throw it for her.

I am so incredibly blessed to be your mother. I am loving every moment we have together, even the ones when you're screaming because I've sprayed saline up your nose. It's hard to imagine that I should have been doing all of this with your sister just a year ago. Now that we have you, she's beginning to seem like a distant dream instead of my past. I feel terrible for feeling the way I do. Isn't that funny? Me feeling horrible because I'm finally happy and no longer dwelling on her death? She's definitely still a part of our family and I think of her often, but it's just in passing and I don't linger on those thoughts for long. Our family finally feels like its almost right again.

And now, some of my favorite pictures of you from your first few weeks of life!

I can really see the resemblance between you and Lilly in this photo

You were not happy about being in the car at this point in time!

You were stretching, and I happened to catch this lovely face!

Baby Bear's Delivery

Alright, so- BIRTH STORY! My mother, Mr. Barcenas, and I all arrived at the hospital at 5:00pm Friday evening. 

Last puppy cuddles before Baby Bear joins us!

(Dad doesn't smile for selfies) Last selfie before entering the hospital!

My OB decided that it was best to use cytotec to soften my cervix and then we would start pitocin on Saturday, the 25th (we did the same for Lilly's delivery). I was barely a fingertip dilated, maybe %50 effaced, and baby hadn't dropped at all when we went in. I received my first dosage of cytotec at 6:00pm, my second double dosage at midnight, and we started pitocin at 6:00am on Saturday! The cytotec didn't soften my cervix as much as my doctor would have liked, but it worked a bit (when I say "a bit" I mean not at all). By 7:30 I had dilated to about 3cm and the pitocin was increased. My nurses continued to up the pit every hour until around 10:00. This is when my OB came in to do a cervical check and OH. MY. GOSH. I'm no newb when it comes to checks- this is my second baby. But for some incredibly crazy reason, I could not to stand them while pregnant with Baby Bear! They were SO painful! This last one was particularly bad. I was trying to climb my way up the top of the bed while Doctor was trying to feel where baby was at. It felt like he was trying to dig his knuckles into the area I had my hematoma, which is/was still tender. Sooooo not fun at all. It was because of this that we decided to place the epidural before they'd break my water. Epidurals are the most amazing thing in the history of amazing things- seriously. Oh! And my anesthesiologist! He had the most calming, level toned voice. It was like a caring monotone. So crazy. Anyways, so I get the epidural, doc breaks my water (which feels way cool- he kept pressing on my belly and it kept gushing out) and the pit is increased some more. Around 11:45 I was dilated to a stretchy 5, and the nurses note that Baby Bears heart rate was dropping a bit during contractions- this is completely normal for a baby who is engaged in the birth canal, but Baby Bear wasn't, so it was weird and a bit worrisome. And scary! Once they told me he was having decelerations, I was like "okay! Prep me for surgery! We're getting him out NOW!" Of course I didn't say all of that in reality, I was just thinking it. But I worried. I knew before that it was very likely we would have some decelerations because of his cord abnormality, but I was hoping and praying we wouldn't. My nurses flipped me onto my sides to get his heart rate back to where it was supposed to be- I had to stay on my right side (it's the only one baby liked!) and the epidural really numbed me up. Do you have any idea how weird it is not to be able to feel an entire side of your body? It's so freaking cool!

I looked like a beached whale!

 12:45 comes along and I'm about 8cm and baby STILL hasn't dropped. 1:30 and I'm 10cm, and baby is only around -2. He just wanted to stay up there in my ribs and never come out, but too bad so sad! He was being evicted. 1:30 my nurse asks me to do a few practice pushes and I oblige- baby comes down into my pelvis a bit but goes right back up when I'm no longer applying pressure. Doctor is called but he's away delivering one of the other four babies that would be born within a few hours of each other that day. Of course it's once I'm told this I can feel my body pushing Baby Bear out on its own! Doc finally shows up after what feels like forever (but is only a few minutes) and out pops Baby Bear at 1:47- and I bawled like a baby! While they were setting everything up and transforming the delivery bed, I just looked at Mr. Barcenas and started crying. I can think about the experience now and I just feel all these overwhelming emotions- I don't even know how to describe them all. Worry, anxiety, excitement, grief, happiness, sadness, anger, love- I think I pretty much experienced every feeling possible in those last few moments before Baby Bear came into our lives. 

Okay- back to the story. So. 1:47. I think I only pushed for three contractions? Our little boy popped out and he was blue and covered in vernix and my OB was suctioning fluid from his mouth and he wasn't crying. This is the moment when I experienced the longest seven seconds of my entire life. These seven seconds seemed to last an eternity. The entire time, I prayed. I prayed that Baby Bear was safe- that he would breath that first breath of life and that he would cry. In those seven seconds I promised God that I would never find my baby's cries annoying, that I would never get angry because he was being too loud. I'm pretty sure I promised a whole bunch of other stuff, too, but I can't remember what those promises were. 

And then finally- a cry! It was a little one, but it still counts! And I just BAWLED my head off- I was sobbing and laughing and smiling and just sooooo grateful he was okay. I was able to just hold him and look at him and cuddle his cute little body and soul while the placenta was delivered (it came out really quick this time, too) and my doctor fixed me up. I didn't have any tearing, but I was able to have a bunch of scar tissue from Lilly's delivery removed. His APGAR scores were 8 and 10, he weighed 7lbs11oz, and was 21 inches long- just as long as his sister, but a whole 10oz heavier! And two weeks earlier! 

Recovery this time around has been so much easier. I wasn't nearly as swollen, I didn't tear, I didn't develop a hematoma- it's been great! I am definitely counting my blessings. After I delivered Lilly, I didn't want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay there as long as possible- I think it was because I didn't want to face reality. With Baby Bear, I couldn't WAIT to leave. We had to stay the mandatory 24 hours and it felt like forever- I just wanted to get home to cuddle my baby in my own comfy bed. We were able to leave around 3:00 Sunday afternoon, so we were there for a total of 46 hours. 

Daddy holding Baby Bear for the first time

First bath in the hospital!

Leaving the hospital with a BABY!

Eva checkin up on him

Dear Baby Bear- week 35

Dear Baby Bear,

Lookin' pretty cute!

YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I had my weekly appointment today, like I do every Wednesday, and I had an NST done, like I've had done for the past few weeks. My doctor is out of town this week, so I ended up seeing a different doctor at the practice, who I will call Substitute Doctor. I get hooked up to the NST machine, and they nurse finally finds a good spot to put the heart rate monitor, and then she leaves. You're wiggling around like always, I'm marking your movements like I'm supposed to, but I'm also watching the screen and the printout of our test. What's wrong with it this week? Your heart rate isn't accelerating like it normally does and it's slower than normal, too. Today, you were hanging out in the 130-145 range. Normally, you hang in the 145-150 range, and it goes all the way up to the 170s while you're kicking around. It wouldn't do that today! We just had this nice flat line- like you were sleeping, only you WEREN'T. You were moving and jumping around (I ate an orange, two bananas, and a bunch of grapes before going in to my appointment). I tell the nurse that I'm uncomfortable with the results, and she takes the readout to the Substitute Doctor and leaves me hooked up to the machine. She comes back five minutes later and says that the doctor said it was fine. Uhm, excuse me? That's not fine- that's not normal for you, how could this be fine? So I get my shirt settled over my big belly once again and we go to the exam room to wait on the doc. He comes in, and I tell him I'm not happy with the NST. He says you look perfectly fine and asks me about kick counts. I tell him I can get 10 within an hour during your active times, but you haven't been moving nearly as much as normal the past few days. "Babies start to run out of room towards the end of pregnancy." Thanks for that little tidbit, doc, but I was told that just a WEEK before my daughter passed away. "You want more reassurance that this baby is doing okay, and there's no way that I can give that to you." YES YOU CAN! You can keep me on the machine for longer than 15 minutes- you can take me in for a biophysical profile to make sure everything is going great. GAH! Obviously, Substitute Doctor is an idiot and I will not be seeing him again. Want to know the super freaky part about all of this, though? On January 19, 2015 I was 35 weeks pregnant with your sister. I went in for an NST, and the nurse wasn't happy with the read out- she wasn't seeing the heart rate accelerations she wanted to see. So you know what SHE did? She kept me hooked up for over an hour and made sure I had sugar in my system. I'm 35 weeks and four days pregnant with you right now. Oh the similarities! You're still moving around, so I guess you're okay in that sense for right now. I've emailed my normal doctor and have asked him to review the scan as soon as he gets back to the office, and I've got this fuzzy picture out to a few of my lady doctor friends to see what they think of it.

(like I said, not exactly the best photo)

This whole pregnancy after loss is a freaking nightmare!

The biggest difference so far between my pregnancy with you compared to your sisters is that you hardly ever have the hiccups. Lilly would have them 10+ times a day- it was almost as if she never stopped hiccuping. I only notice you hiccuping every other day or two- it isn't a daily occurrence, and for that I am grateful. Shortly after your sister passed, I scoured the Internet looking for signs of cord compression- things that I should have noticed and reported, but never did. The biggest one I found was excessive hiccuping... I'm still kicking myself for thinking they were funny and cute... If only I had known then what I know now... It probably wouldn't have changed much since she passed all her NSTs and BPPs, too, but would have been nice to know...

I haven't been talking about her or my feelings as much in these letters as I did toward the beginning. I think that's because I'm trying to put on a brave face for those that read my posts.

How about we have a little "to be honest" moment?

To be honest, I'm scared. I really truly am. We are nearing the end of my pregnancy with you, and I'm scared I won't be able to take you home. I keep putting off the purchase of your car seat- I really don't want to have it sitting in the car, or sitting in the living room, just staring at me, constantly reminding me that we never used your sisters (it wouldn't fit in a closet and I hated the reminder, so we gave it to a family in need). I'm afraid that we will have to walk away from the hospital empty handed again. I'm afraid to really truly get everything prepared for you. I'm afraid to buy any clothes larger than 0-3 months (SIDS... It scares me). Buying clothes for you even scares me- how likely is it that you will come home to us and wear them? I'm afraid to finish the blanket that I'm knitting you, and I'm afraid to start any more sewing projects that would be convenient to have when you arrive. And the whole NST 35 week thing from today really freaks me out...

And yet, I am so very excited and hopeful. I packed your diaper bag- it may be hiding in the back of my closet (and will probably stay there until your father brings it to the hospital the morning we are being released) but at least it's packed! It was a hard thing to do, too. Who'd have thought that throwing together a few outfits and a blanket would be difficult? Stupid anxiety... I'm excited to see your face, to see what you look like. Obviously you'll look like your father, but there's a chance you'll have some of me in you! I'm excited to plan for your future- my anxiety currently makes that incredibly difficult, I can't seem to plan past your delivery, but once you're here it will be easier.

I am now going to go sit in bed and eat an entire pineapple by myself. Why? Supposedly it's supposed to help soften the cervix! If you're coming out of that thing in a little less than three weeks, we've gotta get it prepped! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 34

Dear Baby Bear,

Welp, we've got another technically unnecessary triage trip under our belt! I ended up shopping for 4ish hours this weekend (memorial day sales!). I got home and had this maaaassive headache that just would not stop! My stomach was also really tender, and I had a terrified moment where I thought that I could have had an unknown placental abruption with you, too. I called my doctors office's after hours line, and the nurse said that if it didn't stop within an hour of taking Tylenol then I should go get checked over just in case (possible preeclampsia). That was around 7:30pm. So I took the drugs, aaaand waited. And waited. Neither ache had let up by 9:00, so off to the hospital your father and I went! Turns out nothing is wrong, I probably just over did it. You were moving around like crazy on the monitor and I had no other signs for pre e. The triage nurse who saw me was super cool, I liked her. But the NP who came around was a total jerk. She gave me a sad exasperated look when I told her I had an abruption with Lilly and that's part of the reason why I came in, and she said "you think the baby and the headache are related?" Uhm, RUDE! I came in because the on call nurse TOLD me to come in, and I also came in because my stomach was tender- a common symptom of a placental abruption! Duh. She then went on to try and treat me like I just came in to get drugs for the headache... I didn't like her... I just keep thinking about the look on her face when she said that, and I get more and more angry. Like, who CARES if I think the headache could be related to how my baby is doing??? Would she have said "you think your swollen feet and your baby are related?" or "you think your bleeding and your baby are related?" (Not that I have swollen feet or have bled this entire pregnancy- I'm actually really lucky and haven swelled up any). It just really irks me. I don't feel as if she was taking me very seriously. My instructions are to try caffeine for the headache and to take it easy for the next few days. It's 10:30pm by the time she tells me this, so there is no way in heck I'm drinking any caffeine- momma needs her beauty sleep. Besides, I didn't go in to be treated for the headache. I came in to be double checked that everything was still looking okay. I came in because I had a common symptom, of a dangerous condition, that wouldn't go away via traditional methods. 

On the bright side, my relief society threw me a baby shower! And it was super incredibly cute!!!! The hostesses did an amazing job with decorations and it was way crazy fun. We received some very thoughtful gifts, and some incredibly CUTE outfits for you to wear!

I'm also becoming more and more optimistic about your arrival. I'm having more days where I believe that you'll actually be coming home with us. It's really nice, this feeling of hope. I like it. I really hope I can keep it going. 

Oh! And I triple checked with the doctor- were still set for June 25! Just under four more weeks! 27 days!!! And because we're getting closer to your induction date, that means we're getting closer to the time when MiMi comes to visit! We're so totally going to go shopping for you. Daddy doesn't like to shop, so I'm waiting till she gets here to go with me. Hopefully by then I won't be too afraid to buy you the very few things I'd still like to have before your arrival.

Dear Baby Bear- week 32

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at 32 weeks, and look at your cute little face!!

You're so stinkin cute already. You've got your daddy's nose, and we were able to see some hair on the back of your head during the ultrasound. You're measuring right on track, and you weigh about 4lbs6oz. I had the ultrasound technician double check your heart and kidneys for me- they all look great!
I realize it's been a while since I've written. Like always, not much has happened in the weeks I've been silent. I haven't had any more scares from you, you've been moving around just fine, and you don't like sharing your momma! I'm babysitting an almost three month old, and every time he falls asleep in my arms you try to kick him away! It's super cute and really funny.
As I'm writing this, I'm super crazy excited and happy and totally reassured you're doing just fine because of the ultrasound (which was literally less than ten minutes ago). I haven't been like this lately, though. I've been freaking out about if you really are okay in there, if you really are developing correctly, if we're going to be able to take you home or not. I hope and pray that we will be. Right now I'm feeling confident that you will- ask me again in a few days and you'll probably have a different answer.
We only have 5 1/2 more weeks (I'm writing this at 32+4)! That's only 39 more days!

I took the bump shot this morning- see my shirt? Notice how it just barely fits my tummy? Yeah- that's because of you, kid. But I love you!!!! And I even love the stretch marks you're putting on my butt.