Expecting Our Rainbow

For those who don't know, A rainbow baby is a child born after pregnancy or infant loss, bringing beauty (like a rainbow) after the storm of child loss. A beautiful rainbow appears when light and rain come together; in other words, when you see a rainbow, the storm is still lingering. While we are still grieving our much loved daughter, we are grateful for the opportunity to once again become parents. We are not healed and dancing on sunshine because I am pregnant again. I am scared. Terrified. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new baby, or that I will no longer love Lilly. I loved this child even before it was conceived. I loved the thought of another child. This baby is beyond precious to me, just as Lilly is precious to me. Lilly is and will always be our firstborn child. She is and will be loved just as much as our other children.But I am scared. I am scared because I remember not even knowing my daughter had died before being told so. I remember the blame and the guilt that had set in after her death. I remember the excitement and expectations I had for her, and they all disappeared within an instant. I remember delivering her silent and perfect body. I remember how the only audibly cries in the delivery room were my own. I was broken- I still am. I lost a million dreams with the loss of my beautiful daughter. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up. And I am afraid that it will happen again. We've made it this far, but we of all people know that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. And the fact that babies aren't safe during infancy has become even more real to me. We've debated over telling people for the longest time. Close family and friends know (Mr. Barcenas doesn't know how to keep quite when he's excited), but that was about it till now. My mom wanted us to just wait till the baby was born and say "Surprise!" I originally wanted to wait until some point past 20 weeks. I've no idea why, I just felt like it was a safe idea. I've really started thinking about it lately, and I've decided that if we lose this baby too, I want to have your support. We have had so much love and kindness shown to us during our hard times with Lilly passing, and I honestly believe it has helped me move forward. And I love that- which is why I am telling you about this new baby.I do have a few requests- please keep your "I'm praying for you" comments to yourself, please. Feel free to pray for us though. I just don't want to know about it. I'm still a God fearing woman, I love Him, I trust in Him, but I have come to realize that prayers mean nothing when He really wants to take a life.Also, it would be FANTASTIC if you read this blog post before commenting. I can pretty much guarantee that I will blow up on you if you say something stupid. My patience is thin, and my emotions are that of a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 12

Dear Baby Bear,
You are now twelve weeks, a supposed mile stone. At this point, the chances of miscarrying you are very, very small. But, as we know, there's a reason for that small percentage- someone had to lose their baby in order to be that tiny 1%. So here's to hoping that we are never the family that is stuck in the 1% ever again.
I'm having a hard time trying to connect with you. I realize that you're there because I can now find and hear your heartbeat whenever I feel like it, but it doesn't seem real. You don't seem real. And I've probably already said that in a letter somewhere, but it's true. And I'm sorry. I want to feel a connection with you, I really do. I just haven't gotten to that point yet, I guess...

Dear Baby Bear- week 11

Dear Baby Bear,

Week eleven! Wow! Just about 27 weeks left! Your father and I moved back to Arkansas this past week, and I'm still getting things unpacked. You've got your own room already, but until you're here it will just be for storage. You're making me hungrier than ever, but I can only seem to eat small meals at a time- so I just want to eat all of the time. Along with being nauseous all of the time, because I'm always hungry. It's a little annoying, being sick because I'm hungry, hungry because I'm sick. But it will hopefully be all worth it in the end.

The dogs are enjoying Arkansas so far, and so are we. Abualita has been making sure that were taken care of, and makes me super yummy Mexican food. Seriously, it's been fantastic. Today we had enchiladas, and she's going to be making tamales sometime soon.

Oh! And you LOVE tangerines. Well, you do right now at least. 

Baby Bear! You're still alive! I got to open one of my Christmas presents early, a fetal heart Doppler, and I found your heartbeat! Yay! I'll make sure to post the video. It's quite, very quiet, but still there. 

Okay, so it's two days later now and I have a better recording of your heartbeat, so I'll post the good one. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 10

Dear Baby Bear,

Well, you made it another week with us, and for that, I am grateful. Today you are once again feeling unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sick, that I'm not pregnant. I know I'm pregnant with you, it just doesn't feel like it. 

Baby Bear! So, I have to pee, right? Well, I start thinking, that with a full bladder I might be able to feel my uterus- and guess what! I can! This weeks letter isn't too long, and I apologize for that. I don't really have anything to say this week. Love you Baby Bear!

Dear Baby Bear- week 9 (almost)

Dear Baby Bear,

Tomorrow, we learn if you're still with us. Tomorrow, we learn what your due date is. Is it July 6? Is it July 16? Or is it some day in between? We're going to talk to my doctor about our game plan, so we can transfer it over to a new OB in Arkansas. I'm sad that I'll be leaving the office I currently visit, but I think it will be good in the long run- I won't have to deliver in the same hospital your sister was stillborn in. These doctors and nurses have been so incredibly amazing throughout our journey to conceive you, though. They were so kind and compassionate after your sister died, and they were cool with us trying to conceive you right away. I hope our next doctor is like that- I like the idea of you and your siblings being so close in age. Lilly will only be about a year and a half older than you when you're born. You two would have been best friends, I just know it. 

I'm nervous about tomorrow. But I'm also excited. I'm kind of hoping you're going to actually be twins, and not just a single baby- is that so crazy of me??? Get two babies in one pregnancy! That'd be awesome! But then again, the chances of miscarriage and what not is higher with multiples. But I still think it'd be cool. Honestly though, I just hope that you're healthy and that you're developed as much as you should be- that, and that your not dead. Because that would suck. I don't want you to be dead. I want to keep you. (Please note, I wanted to keep your sister, too, but God had other plans for her). 

Oh! I need to tell you about my symptoms! Well, you're still making me sick, which is super good! I'm hungry almost all the time. Like, I wake up in the middle of the night, hungry and nauseous because I need to eat. But I'm nauseous, so I don't want to eat! You silly child. I can't eat a whole bunch even when I can eat, but I don't seem to be loosing any weight so far. The bloat is still going down, and the fatigue has hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I tried going for a jog, and only had the desire/ability to do 1.5. I'm normally better than that! I had gotten up to five miles before we conceived you. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back up to it soon. I had set a goal with myself to be able to run a 10k by Christmas. Still haven't quite reached that- I need to exercise more. Oh! And I forgot to tell you. I've been constipated for the past, like, six weeks. Thank you, baby! Not. I could live without that part of pregnancy. But if it's from you, I'll take it. I'll take all the horrible pregnancy symptoms it it means I get to bring you home. I'll throw up ten times a day, I'll sleep through my classes, I'll live with horrible back pain and constant cramping- if it just meant I was able to keep you.

*update*

You're real! You're really real! You have a heart beat and everything, too! I am so excited- and I'll keep hoping and praying that you'll stick around. Oh! And your official due date is July 9, 2016. Yay! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 8

Dear Baby Bear,

I'm a little late in writing this (only by two days) but yesterday was Thanksgiving day! And, of course, you just haaaad to make me sick. I don't mind it though. Your dad made the turkey, like he does every year, and of course it was delicious. Now if only I could have eaten more than just two bites! I'm planning on making a turkey sandwich today- and I'm excited!

There are only five more days till we get to see you, and I can't wait. I'm so excited! Well, I keep telling myself to be excited. I'm nervous, honestly. I don't want to get there, and find out you don't have a heart beat. Your father most likely won't be joining us for the appointment- he has to work and doesn't think he can get away for the ultrasound. Which sucks. It really really does. I'm thinking of maybe asking a friend to come with me, just in case. I don't want to be alone to receive horrible news, and I can't ask Mimi to come since she's in Maryland, and Abuela is in Arkansas. 

I feel like if I go to the ultrasound, I'll be told you're dead. But if I skip the ultrasound and just do the prenatal appointment, everything will be fine. And I know that is complete and total nonsense. But that's what my brain is thinking. And it's stupid. You're either dead, or alive, and there's nothing I can do about it. You'll either have a heartbeat when we go in on Wednesday, or you won't. And I realize that. So I don't know what I'm thinking.... I guess I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to lose you. I've already made plans for you, I've already incorporated you into my life. I already love you.

Dear Baby Bear- week 7

Dear Baby Bear,

You're about the size of a blue berry! Your steadily growing, and I've finally begun to actually constantly feel nauseous. I love it :) it means you're cookin along just right in there. We still have two more weeks till we see you- I'm really hoping we see your heart beat. You'll be big enough, unless you've stopped growing and are no longer with us. But I'm going to try to be optimistic. 

I've recently started thinking that I may have an elective c-section with you. I worry that if we induce, you'll go into distress and I'll lose you- with the surgery, it's safer for you. So what if I have a longer recovery time? I'll have you, safe in my arms, and that's all that matters.

Of course, I've still got a long while till I need to decide how you'll be delivered into this world. I've also started looking into doctors in Arkansas for when your dad and I make the big move. We're pretty excited. Summer will be difficult, though. I'll be huge and pregnant with you! And Arkansas isn't exactly known for it's mild summers :/

I have a confession to make.... One of my elderly clients asked me today if I was pregnant. I said no.... I don't feel like sharing you with anyone else right now- especially not her. She's not my favorite client and we aren't really that great of friends. I have no reason to tell her, right? I feel bad, because I feel like I'm denying your existence. I think I just did it to protect myself. That, and I don't want to have to deal with all the questions right now. I'm not sure when we will tell the world that you're here and that you might be joining us in a few months. Do you forgive me? 
I know we will be telling our grandparents and close aunts/uncles the weekend after your first ultrasound. I'm going to make your father wear the "my wife is pregnant shirt" that I showed you a few weeks ago. Hopefully someone will read it and get the idea. I've thought of wearing a reveal shirt myself, but I haven't decided on a design or anything.  

Look Baby Bear! This is how bloated you've made your mommy! I'm already in my maternity jeans because you've made all my others too uncomfortable!