"Ohana means family. Family means no body gets left behind, or forgotten."
"This is my family... It is little, and broken, but still good."

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Baby Bear's Delivery


Alright, so- BIRTH STORY! My mother, Mr. Barcenas, and I all arrived at the hospital at 5:00pm Friday evening. 


Last puppy cuddles before Baby Bear joins us!
(Dad doesn't smile for selfies) Last selfie before entering the hospital!
My OB decided that it was best to use cytotec to soften my cervix and then we would start pitocin on Saturday, the 25th (we did the same for Lilly's delivery). I was barely a fingertip dilated, maybe %50 effaced, and baby hadn't dropped at all when we went in. I received my first dosage of cytotec at 6:00pm, my second double dosage at midnight, and we started pitocin at 6:00am on Saturday! The cytotec didn't soften my cervix as much as my doctor would have liked, but it worked a bit (when I say "a bit" I mean not at all). By 7:30 I had dilated to about 3cm and the pitocin was increased. My nurses continued to up the pit every hour until around 10:00. This is when my OB came in to do a cervical check and OH. MY. GOSH. I'm no newb when it comes to checks- this is my second baby. But for some incredibly crazy reason, I could not to stand them while pregnant with Baby Bear! They were SO painful! This last one was particularly bad. I was trying to climb my way up the top of the bed while Doctor was trying to feel where baby was at. It felt like he was trying to dig his knuckles into the area I had my hematoma, which is/was still tender. Sooooo not fun at all. It was because of this that we decided to place the epidural before they'd break my water. Epidurals are the most amazing thing in the history of amazing things- seriously. Oh! And my anesthesiologist! He had the most calming, level toned voice. It was like a caring monotone. So crazy. Anyways, so I get the epidural, doc breaks my water (which feels way cool- he kept pressing on my belly and it kept gushing out) and the pit is increased some more. Around 11:45 I was dilated to a stretchy 5, and the nurses note that Baby Bears heart rate was dropping a bit during contractions- this is completely normal for a baby who is engaged in the birth canal, but Baby Bear wasn't, so it was weird and a bit worrisome. And scary! Once they told me he was having decelerations, I was like "okay! Prep me for surgery! We're getting him out NOW!" Of course I didn't say all of that in reality, I was just thinking it. But I worried. I knew before that it was very likely we would have some decelerations because of his cord abnormality, but I was hoping and praying we wouldn't. My nurses flipped me onto my sides to get his heart rate back to where it was supposed to be- I had to stay on my right side (it's the only one baby liked!) and the epidural really numbed me up. Do you have any idea how weird it is not to be able to feel an entire side of your body? It's so freaking cool!


I looked like a beached whale!
 12:45 comes along and I'm about 8cm and baby STILL hasn't dropped. 1:30 and I'm 10cm, and baby is only around -2. He just wanted to stay up there in my ribs and never come out, but too bad so sad! He was being evicted. 1:30 my nurse asks me to do a few practice pushes and I oblige- baby comes down into my pelvis a bit but goes right back up when I'm no longer applying pressure. Doctor is called but he's away delivering one of the other four babies that would be born within a few hours of each other that day. Of course it's once I'm told this I can feel my body pushing Baby Bear out on its own! Doc finally shows up after what feels like forever (but is only a few minutes) and out pops Baby Bear at 1:47- and I bawled like a baby! While they were setting everything up and transforming the delivery bed, I just looked at Mr. Barcenas and started crying. I can think about the experience now and I just feel all these overwhelming emotions- I don't even know how to describe them all. Worry, anxiety, excitement, grief, happiness, sadness, anger, love- I think I pretty much experienced every feeling possible in those last few moments before Baby Bear came into our lives. 


Okay- back to the story. So. 1:47. I think I only pushed for three contractions? Our little boy popped out and he was blue and covered in vernix and my OB was suctioning fluid from his mouth and he wasn't crying. This is the moment when I experienced the longest seven seconds of my entire life. These seven seconds seemed to last an eternity. The entire time, I prayed. I prayed that Baby Bear was safe- that he would breath that first breath of life and that he would cry. In those seven seconds I promised God that I would never find my baby's cries annoying, that I would never get angry because he was being too loud. I'm pretty sure I promised a whole bunch of other stuff, too, but I can't remember what those promises were. 
And then finally- a cry! It was a little one, but it still counts! And I just BAWLED my head off- I was sobbing and laughing and smiling and just sooooo grateful he was okay. I was able to just hold him and look at him and cuddle his cute little body and soul while the placenta was delivered (it came out really quick this time, too) and my doctor fixed me up. I didn't have any tearing, but I was able to have a bunch of scar tissue from Lilly's delivery removed. His APGAR scores were 8 and 10, he weighed 7lbs11oz, and was 21 inches long- just as long as his sister, but a whole 10oz heavier! And two weeks earlier! 



Recovery this time around has been so much easier. I wasn't nearly as swollen, I didn't tear, I didn't develop a hematoma- it's been great! I am definitely counting my blessings. After I delivered Lilly, I didn't want to leave the hospital. I wanted to stay there as long as possible- I think it was because I didn't want to face reality. With Baby Bear, I couldn't WAIT to leave. We had to stay the mandatory 24 hours and it felt like forever- I just wanted to get home to cuddle my baby in my own comfy bed. We were able to leave around 3:00 Sunday afternoon, so we were there for a total of 46 hours. 


Daddy holding Baby Bear for the first time

First bath in the hospital!


Leaving the hospital with a BABY!

Eva checkin up on him



Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 35

Dear Baby Bear,
Lookin' pretty cute!
YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!! I had my weekly appointment today, like I do every Wednesday, and I had an NST done, like I've had done for the past few weeks. My doctor is out of town this week, so I ended up seeing a different doctor at the practice, who I will call Substitute Doctor. I get hooked up to the NST machine, and they nurse finally finds a good spot to put the heart rate monitor, and then she leaves. You're wiggling around like always, I'm marking your movements like I'm supposed to, but I'm also watching the screen and the printout of our test. What's wrong with it this week? Your heart rate isn't accelerating like it normally does and it's slower than normal, too. Today, you were hanging out in the 130-145 range. Normally, you hang in the 145-150 range, and it goes all the way up to the 170s while you're kicking around. It wouldn't do that today! We just had this nice flat line- like you were sleeping, only you WEREN'T. You were moving and jumping around (I ate an orange, two bananas, and a bunch of grapes before going in to my appointment). I tell the nurse that I'm uncomfortable with the results, and she takes the readout to the Substitute Doctor and leaves me hooked up to the machine. She comes back five minutes later and says that the doctor said it was fine. Uhm, excuse me? That's not fine- that's not normal for you, how could this be fine? So I get my shirt settled over my big belly once again and we go to the exam room to wait on the doc. He comes in, and I tell him I'm not happy with the NST. He says you look perfectly fine and asks me about kick counts. I tell him I can get 10 within an hour during your active times, but you haven't been moving nearly as much as normal the past few days. "Babies start to run out of room towards the end of pregnancy." Thanks for that little tidbit, doc, but I was told that just a WEEK before my daughter passed away. "You want more reassurance that this baby is doing okay, and there's no way that I can give that to you." YES YOU CAN! You can keep me on the machine for longer than 15 minutes- you can take me in for a biophysical profile to make sure everything is going great. GAH! Obviously, Substitute Doctor is an idiot and I will not be seeing him again. Want to know the super freaky part about all of this, though? On January 19, 2015 I was 35 weeks pregnant with your sister. I went in for an NST, and the nurse wasn't happy with the read out- she wasn't seeing the heart rate accelerations she wanted to see. So you know what SHE did? She kept me hooked up for over an hour and made sure I had sugar in my system. I'm 35 weeks and four days pregnant with you right now. Oh the similarities! You're still moving around, so I guess you're okay in that sense for right now. I've emailed my normal doctor and have asked him to review the scan as soon as he gets back to the office, and I've got this fuzzy picture out to a few of my lady doctor friends to see what they think of it.
(like I said, not exactly the best photo)
This whole pregnancy after loss is a freaking nightmare!

The biggest difference so far between my pregnancy with you compared to your sisters is that you hardly ever have the hiccups. Lilly would have them 10+ times a day- it was almost as if she never stopped hiccuping. I only notice you hiccuping every other day or two- it isn't a daily occurrence, and for that I am grateful. Shortly after your sister passed, I scoured the Internet looking for signs of cord compression- things that I should have noticed and reported, but never did. The biggest one I found was excessive hiccuping... I'm still kicking myself for thinking they were funny and cute... If only I had known then what I know now... It probably wouldn't have changed much since she passed all her NSTs and BPPs, too, but would have been nice to know...

I haven't been talking about her or my feelings as much in these letters as I did toward the beginning. I think that's because I'm trying to put on a brave face for those that read my posts.

How about we have a little "to be honest" moment?

To be honest, I'm scared. I really truly am. We are nearing the end of my pregnancy with you, and I'm scared I won't be able to take you home. I keep putting off the purchase of your car seat- I really don't want to have it sitting in the car, or sitting in the living room, just staring at me, constantly reminding me that we never used your sisters (it wouldn't fit in a closet and I hated the reminder, so we gave it to a family in need). I'm afraid that we will have to walk away from the hospital empty handed again. I'm afraid to really truly get everything prepared for you. I'm afraid to buy any clothes larger than 0-3 months (SIDS... It scares me). Buying clothes for you even scares me- how likely is it that you will come home to us and wear them? I'm afraid to finish the blanket that I'm knitting you, and I'm afraid to start any more sewing projects that would be convenient to have when you arrive. And the whole NST 35 week thing from today really freaks me out...

And yet, I am so very excited and hopeful. I packed your diaper bag- it may be hiding in the back of my closet (and will probably stay there until your father brings it to the hospital the morning we are being released) but at least it's packed! It was a hard thing to do, too. Who'd have thought that throwing together a few outfits and a blanket would be difficult? Stupid anxiety... I'm excited to see your face, to see what you look like. Obviously you'll look like your father, but there's a chance you'll have some of me in you! I'm excited to plan for your future- my anxiety currently makes that incredibly difficult, I can't seem to plan past your delivery, but once you're here it will be easier.


I am now going to go sit in bed and eat an entire pineapple by myself. Why? Supposedly it's supposed to help soften the cervix! If you're coming out of that thing in a little less than three weeks, we've gotta get it prepped!