I'm starting something new!

Thanks to my amazingly talented and inspiring cousin, I am jumping onto the Beachbody bandwagon! She is a stay at home mom with three kids – all three and under! Her youngest is actually just a few months younger than Baby Bear. If she can find time to focus on eating healthy, exercise, care for herself and her growing family, I can too! Haha, I guess in a sense I also have three under three- WallE will be three in February, Eva just turned two, and of course Baby Bear has just entered his fourth month of life.

For everyone who is just now stumbling upon my blog, let me introduce myself. Hello! I’m Mrs. Barcenas, aka Momma Bear.

 I am married the most handsome men around, and we have two beautiful babies- an adorable little girl who passed away shortly before birth, and the cutest little man you ever did see! Lilly would be 20 months old if she were still here (so, 1 2/3) and Baby Bear is four months old. We also have two fuzz butts who we call family, WallE and Eva. Mr. Barcenas and I both work, but we love to spend time together as a family on the weekends. We typically go to the dog park or the off-leash lake that’s just outside of town.

Now, to talk about my weight and my relationship with food...

My weight has been something I’ve been conscious of and have struggled with my entire life. I’ve always been one of the “bigger” girls. 

2007, age 13

I love food- I love sweet things, I love carbs, I LOVE FOOD. And I hate exercise. Hate it. I hate sweating, I hate physical exertion, and I hate embarrassing myself in situations where you need to be even the slightest bit athletic. Food + no exercise= fat. At least for me and my body type- I have practically no metabolism. SO! I’ve always been a bigger person, I’ve had this love/hate relationship with food, and I decided to do something about it in junior high school/high school. I didn’t develop my eating disorder overnight- I didn’t just wake up one morning and decided that I wanted to restrict my calories to dangerous levels and to exercise obsessively. It happened over time. And overtime, I learned new destructive behaviors. A typical days worth of food for me consisted of one cup of plain cheerios (110 calories, and I would eat them three at a time), a small gala apple (80 calories), a single serving bag of chex mix (210 calories, eaten in a very strategic way) and as much water as I could possible drink. I would jog three miles each evening after band practice or work, and I would do callisthenic exercises late into the night when I was supposed to be sleeping. 

Christmas 2011, after I had stopped being stupid. Look how thin my face is! I started gaining weight after this.

Occasionally I would give into my hunger and I would binge on what I could find, and purge when I found the chance. I knew what I was doing was disgusting and destructive, but it was what I believed to be the best way for me to become what I wanted to be. At some point during all of this, I met my forever best friend and soul mate. With his help, I was able to put an end to my self-destruction. I still didn’t love myself, but I loved him enough to not hurt myself.

Prom 2012. That dress was a size 10 I think?

We got married in 2013 and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I was told that it would take at least a year (but up to three) of medical intervention to conceive a child. This was some serious news for me- all I had ever wanted was to be a mother, so we got a dog to love on while we waited for our children. 

October 2013, I had started my meds by this point and was in the process of losing weight.

I started some medications which had a weight loss side effect (I had gained weight after high school)- I got down to 165 and Mr. Barcenas and I conceived our first child. 

38 weeks with my Lilly-bug. Highest weight was 210

After a picture perfect pregnancy, Lillianna Marie was stillborn into this world. She weighed seven pounds, one ounce, and was twenty one inches long. While I was pregnant with her, I had been attending counseling sessions to help with my body image issues. I was determined not to teach my baby girl to hate her body the way I hated mine. I continued my counseling after she passed away and started taking antidepressants. I was back into my prepregnancy pants just weeks after her delivery. I began jogging again once I had healed enough physically, and I lost a bit more weight. 

Selfie with my jogging partner!

About three months later my OB/GYN determined that I was ready to start fertility treatments again, so I stopped taking my antidepressants. Stopping my meds turned out to be one of my smartest and yet not so greatest ideas. I started feeling my emotions again, which was great because I could work through them a little easier, but then again I started feeling my emotions again and I started eating. I tend to eat my feelings, which is why I gained the weight back after high school and why I skyrocketed up to 190 pounds shortly after I stopped taking my antidepressants. 

My husband and I were blessed to conceive our Baby Bear eight months after his older sister was delivered. Like practically every other pregnant woman, I didn’t take care of myself perfectly. I still ate decently and exercised, but I definitely ate more than my fair share of cold cereal. I ended up weighing somewhere around 220 at the end of my pregnancy. I don’t know my exact number- I’ve learned that numbers aren’t exactly my friend when it comes to me and my personality. 

35 weeks pregnant with BabyBear- I got HUGE!

I am now four months post partum and I’m back to sitting around 190. I’ve tried losing the weight myself- I've been walking 3+ miles almost every day, I eat about 1,700 calories a day, and I’m breastfeeding (side note- whoever said that all you had to do to lose weight after having a baby is to breastfeed is a liar). Stiiiiiiill no progress. I cant fit into my prepregnancy fat pants, and I finally broke down a couple weeks ago and went and bought a couple of pairs of jeans that DO fit. I don’t like the size that they are, but I am happy to finally have pants to wear out and about that aren’t made of a stretchy athletic material.

So, what are my goals?

-I want to be comfortable in my own body. I want to feel like I can go out into public without having to wear Spanx to control my mommy muffin top.

-I want to have more energy. I want to be the mom who has the ability to keep up with her energetic children.

-I want my body to be stronger. I want to be able to hold my son while standing for extended periods of time and not to get cramps.

-I do not want my family to be embarrassed for me, or about me. Like, I want my husband to be proud to be married to a hot momma, and I don’t want my son to be known for having the "fat mom."

-I do not want to be a slave to my food. I am addicted to eating all the wrong foods, and I’m tired of the cravings.

-I want my son and any future children I may be blessed with to grow up in a home that focuses on health habits.

-I want to be able to conceive my future children without the help of hormones and medications. I have been told that if I lose weight, my hormones will level out and it will be easier for me to get pregnant.

-I want my wedding rings to fit again! I've been wearing one of my old promise rings that was always waaaay too big, but right now it fits perfectly. I had to take my set off soon after becoming pregnant with Baby Bear. I never had to take them off when expecting Lilly!

It is my hope that the exercise programs provided to me, Shakeology, meal planning, and a bit of determination will help me become the woman I want to be!