Dear Baby Bear- week 25

Dear Baby Bear,

24 week comparison with your sister! I feel as if I was the same weight, my belly would be about the same size

I know, I know. I skipped another week. There just wasn't anything to say! There isn't a whole lot for this week, either. I had my 24 week appointment this past Wednesday. Totally boring and uneventful. My doctor didn't know about your SUA yet, though, so I guess that could count as exciting. Apparently, UAMS (the place I went to for the level 2 ultrasound) sent over a report stating that everything was perfectly fine and there weren't any abnormalities. That is definitely NOT what they told me. So my doctor is supposed to be getting ahold of them and figuring everything out. I did my glucose testing and haven't heard anything back about that, so I'm guessing I passed- no news is good news!
I also "toured" the hospital in which I will be delivering you in. Turns out, I picked one of the most baby friendly hospitals ever, and I love that! They're crazy pro breastfeeding, kangaroo care, rooming in, etc. They don't even supply pacifiers- parents are encouraged NOT to use them (which I totally understand, but you're going to be a binky baby). They also really encourage birth plans, which I think is super stupid. I've never liked the idea of birth plans, and the lady showing me around was incredibly insistent that I have one. My birth plan? Get you out safely with as little physical harm to me as possible. I'll probably eventually write something up... I've already started on some rules regarding visitors for when you finally arrive. I know that sounds kind of silly, but you'd be surprised at how many ignorant people there are out there! That, and I'm super paranoid about you getting sick- one of your aunts was hospitalized with RSV when she was a baby, and your Great Aunt T (who Lilly is buried next too) passed away from RSV as well. I've already had one baby die, I don't want you to die too. I promise that someday I'll be less of a helicopter parent. But for now, and probably the first few years of your life, I will be there every step of the way ensuring your safety. I'll let you eat dirt when you're a bit older, and I won't care too much if Eva licks your face and eats Cheerios right out of your mouth. Heck, I might even start letting you play with knives and matches (in a safe controlled environment) when you're four! But there will be rules and you will be taught how to be safe, because I won't always be there to protect you. That makes me sad to vocalize (or, visualize, since I'm typing this). I will try my darn hardest to be there, though! For as long as I can.
As I'm writing this, you are happily (well, I'm assuming you're happy) rolling around in my stomach. I've felt a few punches today that were aimed at the placenta, hopefully this just means you're getting stronger. I am loving every single movement that you make, and I am enjoying every uncomfortable moment of this pregnancy with you. 

Have I talked about how you're already getting up into my ribs? You have been, for at least two weeks now. Oh, and the heartburn? Absolute hell. But I love it, and I love you.

25 weeks! Happy Easter!

Dear Baby Bear- week 23

Dear Baby Bear,

I love waking up to your movements, it's very reassuring! You're still hitting the placenta most of the time, but I can occasionally feel your little taps. I also feel like you're already trying to go up into my ribs! It should be too early for that!
You're 23 weeks today, and that means you have a very small chance of surviving outside of my womb with intensive medical help. The age of viability is 24 weeks, but some hospitals will try to save a baby at 23 weeks. Of course you would have several disabilities (mental and physical) but you'd be here, and hopefully alive. But I don't want you to come out just yet- you keep cooking till at least June 25.
I don't have an appointment for another week and a half, so you're gonna have to wait to hear about your size or how you're doing or anything like that. I'm going to try and see if they'll give me an ultrasound- just for reassurance that you're doing okay. I'll also hopefully be discussing more in depth about your condition and the results of your anatomy scan. I never got a call about coming in and talking with my OB, so no news is good news, right?
Baby Bear, there are now nine different friends who have publicly announced their pregnancies on Facebook- they're all due within a month of you. This worries me. Before, when I was expecting your sister, there were only four other women due around her due date- so five of us in total. Well, you know what? 1 in every 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage or stillbirth. Last time, I was the statistic. I was the mother who's pregnancy ended in a fatality, the 1 in 160 who's birth ended in a stillbirth. And now there are ten of us waiting for little babies? That's really pushing it! Statistically, at least one person is going to lose their baby. And it scares me, because I don't want to be that one again. And I don't want anyone else to feel the pain of child loss- it really, REALLY, sucks! I'm scared, Baby Bear. I just want everyone to be happy and healthy.

23 Weeks and wearing papa bear's shirts! 

 

Dear Baby Bear- week 22

Dear Baby Bear,

I'm a bit of a bad mom- sorry! I didn't write last weeks letter. There wasn't anything new to say. There still isn't, really. I've been sick all week, hopefully it doesn't hurt you. I'm currently sitting in a doctors office waiting for my flu/strep test results to get back so we can see how to get me feeling better. (They're back, I don't have flu or strep, I just feel terrible. Oh, and one of the only medications they can give me I happen to be allergic to- yay!)
You're still moving around :) and I love every moment of it! You're getting stronger and I've been able to feel you almost every day now. You're father has even felt you once. You were kicking around your placenta, and he got lucky and felt it.
I've stopped researching all the things that can go wrong with an SUA. I'm only looking into preterm labor and premie baby info now. The second to worst thing that I'm expecting to happen is that you'll be a tiny NICU baby. I can handle a tiny NICU baby. You'll be cute if you're tiny! Hopefully you'll be a healthy size, though.
I have started thinking though- I'm kind of sad that I'll never have a "normal" delivery. I'll never be able to experience labor naturally (unless it's preterm and unplanned!). I've always imagined myself like you see it in the movies- the mothers water breaks, and she yells for her husband to grab the bags and the car, saying that "it's time" and "the baby is coming." They're always super sweet moments. And I KNOW real labor isn't anything like that, but I've always wanted to experience that. And I can't. Not safely at least. We will forever and always induce early because of your sisters death. I won't know what a natural labor feels like, because I'll always have a drug induced one (they're supposed to be more intense and painful). And your delivery could very likely be a c-section. With your cord being all funky and me not liking low heart rates, I may demand a cesarean at the first sign of your distress. It's kind of disappointing- not being able to be "normal," always being the odd man out.
I've also been thinking about how I don't fit in with normal moms. I think that I've know since the beginning that I wouldn't fit in with normal moms, though. While pregnant with Lilly, I remember going over to a friends house. There were two mothers there, each with a child under the age of two, and I was the odd one out. I didn't feel comfortable with them, I didn't feel like I could chime in on the conversation since they were talking about their toddling babies. They talked about breastfeeding and baby wearing and what foods their children were eating. I couldn't contribute to the conversation because I had yet to experience those things. I was excited to, and I eagerly listened in to their comments, but I felt like the third wheel.
Just this week, I had a good friend invite me to this huge public prego lady baby shower thing that would be held by the hospital- there'd be raffle tickets, toddler fashion shows, seminars- it really sounds like fun! But then I started thinking- oh yeah, I would be surrounded by hundreds of happily pregnant or newly delivered mothers. All happily ignorant of the things that could go wrong. I would feel compelled to share Lilly's story, to let others know that I had a daughter, as well as a son on the way. But that's depressing, and no one ever knows what to say and they just end the conversation and walk away as fast as they can. *Sigh* Sometimes I really wish I could be normal...

 My 22 week baby belly right after a shower! I went back to bed after taking this- being sick while pregnant is hard work!