Expecting Our Rainbow

For those who don't know, A rainbow baby is a child born after pregnancy or infant loss, bringing beauty (like a rainbow) after the storm of child loss. A beautiful rainbow appears when light and rain come together; in other words, when you see a rainbow, the storm is still lingering. While we are still grieving our much loved daughter, we are grateful for the opportunity to once again become parents. We are not healed and dancing on sunshine because I am pregnant again. I am scared. Terrified. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new baby, or that I will no longer love Lilly. I loved this child even before it was conceived. I loved the thought of another child. This baby is beyond precious to me, just as Lilly is precious to me. Lilly is and will always be our firstborn child. She is and will be loved just as much as our other children.But I am scared. I am scared because I remember not even knowing my daughter had died before being told so. I remember the blame and the guilt that had set in after her death. I remember the excitement and expectations I had for her, and they all disappeared within an instant. I remember delivering her silent and perfect body. I remember how the only audibly cries in the delivery room were my own. I was broken- I still am. I lost a million dreams with the loss of my beautiful daughter. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up. And I am afraid that it will happen again. We've made it this far, but we of all people know that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. And the fact that babies aren't safe during infancy has become even more real to me. We've debated over telling people for the longest time. Close family and friends know (Mr. Barcenas doesn't know how to keep quite when he's excited), but that was about it till now. My mom wanted us to just wait till the baby was born and say "Surprise!" I originally wanted to wait until some point past 20 weeks. I've no idea why, I just felt like it was a safe idea. I've really started thinking about it lately, and I've decided that if we lose this baby too, I want to have your support. We have had so much love and kindness shown to us during our hard times with Lilly passing, and I honestly believe it has helped me move forward. And I love that- which is why I am telling you about this new baby.I do have a few requests- please keep your "I'm praying for you" comments to yourself, please. Feel free to pray for us though. I just don't want to know about it. I'm still a God fearing woman, I love Him, I trust in Him, but I have come to realize that prayers mean nothing when He really wants to take a life.Also, it would be FANTASTIC if you read this blog post before commenting. I can pretty much guarantee that I will blow up on you if you say something stupid. My patience is thin, and my emotions are that of a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 12

Dear Baby Bear,
You are now twelve weeks, a supposed mile stone. At this point, the chances of miscarrying you are very, very small. But, as we know, there's a reason for that small percentage- someone had to lose their baby in order to be that tiny 1%. So here's to hoping that we are never the family that is stuck in the 1% ever again.
I'm having a hard time trying to connect with you. I realize that you're there because I can now find and hear your heartbeat whenever I feel like it, but it doesn't seem real. You don't seem real. And I've probably already said that in a letter somewhere, but it's true. And I'm sorry. I want to feel a connection with you, I really do. I just haven't gotten to that point yet, I guess...

Dear Baby Bear- week 11

Dear Baby Bear,

Week eleven! Wow! Just about 27 weeks left! Your father and I moved back to Arkansas this past week, and I'm still getting things unpacked. You've got your own room already, but until you're here it will just be for storage. You're making me hungrier than ever, but I can only seem to eat small meals at a time- so I just want to eat all of the time. Along with being nauseous all of the time, because I'm always hungry. It's a little annoying, being sick because I'm hungry, hungry because I'm sick. But it will hopefully be all worth it in the end.

The dogs are enjoying Arkansas so far, and so are we. Abualita has been making sure that were taken care of, and makes me super yummy Mexican food. Seriously, it's been fantastic. Today we had enchiladas, and she's going to be making tamales sometime soon.

Oh! And you LOVE tangerines. Well, you do right now at least. 

Baby Bear! You're still alive! I got to open one of my Christmas presents early, a fetal heart Doppler, and I found your heartbeat! Yay! I'll make sure to post the video. It's quite, very quiet, but still there. 

Okay, so it's two days later now and I have a better recording of your heartbeat, so I'll post the good one. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 10

Dear Baby Bear,

Well, you made it another week with us, and for that, I am grateful. Today you are once again feeling unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sick, that I'm not pregnant. I know I'm pregnant with you, it just doesn't feel like it. 

Baby Bear! So, I have to pee, right? Well, I start thinking, that with a full bladder I might be able to feel my uterus- and guess what! I can! This weeks letter isn't too long, and I apologize for that. I don't really have anything to say this week. Love you Baby Bear!

Dear Baby Bear- week 9 (almost)

Dear Baby Bear,

Tomorrow, we learn if you're still with us. Tomorrow, we learn what your due date is. Is it July 6? Is it July 16? Or is it some day in between? We're going to talk to my doctor about our game plan, so we can transfer it over to a new OB in Arkansas. I'm sad that I'll be leaving the office I currently visit, but I think it will be good in the long run- I won't have to deliver in the same hospital your sister was stillborn in. These doctors and nurses have been so incredibly amazing throughout our journey to conceive you, though. They were so kind and compassionate after your sister died, and they were cool with us trying to conceive you right away. I hope our next doctor is like that- I like the idea of you and your siblings being so close in age. Lilly will only be about a year and a half older than you when you're born. You two would have been best friends, I just know it. 

I'm nervous about tomorrow. But I'm also excited. I'm kind of hoping you're going to actually be twins, and not just a single baby- is that so crazy of me??? Get two babies in one pregnancy! That'd be awesome! But then again, the chances of miscarriage and what not is higher with multiples. But I still think it'd be cool. Honestly though, I just hope that you're healthy and that you're developed as much as you should be- that, and that your not dead. Because that would suck. I don't want you to be dead. I want to keep you. (Please note, I wanted to keep your sister, too, but God had other plans for her). 

Oh! I need to tell you about my symptoms! Well, you're still making me sick, which is super good! I'm hungry almost all the time. Like, I wake up in the middle of the night, hungry and nauseous because I need to eat. But I'm nauseous, so I don't want to eat! You silly child. I can't eat a whole bunch even when I can eat, but I don't seem to be loosing any weight so far. The bloat is still going down, and the fatigue has hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I tried going for a jog, and only had the desire/ability to do 1.5. I'm normally better than that! I had gotten up to five miles before we conceived you. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back up to it soon. I had set a goal with myself to be able to run a 10k by Christmas. Still haven't quite reached that- I need to exercise more. Oh! And I forgot to tell you. I've been constipated for the past, like, six weeks. Thank you, baby! Not. I could live without that part of pregnancy. But if it's from you, I'll take it. I'll take all the horrible pregnancy symptoms it it means I get to bring you home. I'll throw up ten times a day, I'll sleep through my classes, I'll live with horrible back pain and constant cramping- if it just meant I was able to keep you.

*update*

You're real! You're really real! You have a heart beat and everything, too! I am so excited- and I'll keep hoping and praying that you'll stick around. Oh! And your official due date is July 9, 2016. Yay! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 8

Dear Baby Bear,

I'm a little late in writing this (only by two days) but yesterday was Thanksgiving day! And, of course, you just haaaad to make me sick. I don't mind it though. Your dad made the turkey, like he does every year, and of course it was delicious. Now if only I could have eaten more than just two bites! I'm planning on making a turkey sandwich today- and I'm excited!

There are only five more days till we get to see you, and I can't wait. I'm so excited! Well, I keep telling myself to be excited. I'm nervous, honestly. I don't want to get there, and find out you don't have a heart beat. Your father most likely won't be joining us for the appointment- he has to work and doesn't think he can get away for the ultrasound. Which sucks. It really really does. I'm thinking of maybe asking a friend to come with me, just in case. I don't want to be alone to receive horrible news, and I can't ask Mimi to come since she's in Maryland, and Abuela is in Arkansas. 

I feel like if I go to the ultrasound, I'll be told you're dead. But if I skip the ultrasound and just do the prenatal appointment, everything will be fine. And I know that is complete and total nonsense. But that's what my brain is thinking. And it's stupid. You're either dead, or alive, and there's nothing I can do about it. You'll either have a heartbeat when we go in on Wednesday, or you won't. And I realize that. So I don't know what I'm thinking.... I guess I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to lose you. I've already made plans for you, I've already incorporated you into my life. I already love you.

Dear Baby Bear- week 7

Dear Baby Bear,

You're about the size of a blue berry! Your steadily growing, and I've finally begun to actually constantly feel nauseous. I love it :) it means you're cookin along just right in there. We still have two more weeks till we see you- I'm really hoping we see your heart beat. You'll be big enough, unless you've stopped growing and are no longer with us. But I'm going to try to be optimistic. 

I've recently started thinking that I may have an elective c-section with you. I worry that if we induce, you'll go into distress and I'll lose you- with the surgery, it's safer for you. So what if I have a longer recovery time? I'll have you, safe in my arms, and that's all that matters.

Of course, I've still got a long while till I need to decide how you'll be delivered into this world. I've also started looking into doctors in Arkansas for when your dad and I make the big move. We're pretty excited. Summer will be difficult, though. I'll be huge and pregnant with you! And Arkansas isn't exactly known for it's mild summers :/

I have a confession to make.... One of my elderly clients asked me today if I was pregnant. I said no.... I don't feel like sharing you with anyone else right now- especially not her. She's not my favorite client and we aren't really that great of friends. I have no reason to tell her, right? I feel bad, because I feel like I'm denying your existence. I think I just did it to protect myself. That, and I don't want to have to deal with all the questions right now. I'm not sure when we will tell the world that you're here and that you might be joining us in a few months. Do you forgive me? 
I know we will be telling our grandparents and close aunts/uncles the weekend after your first ultrasound. I'm going to make your father wear the "my wife is pregnant shirt" that I showed you a few weeks ago. Hopefully someone will read it and get the idea. I've thought of wearing a reveal shirt myself, but I haven't decided on a design or anything.  

Look Baby Bear! This is how bloated you've made your mommy! I'm already in my maternity jeans because you've made all my others too uncomfortable! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 6

Dear Baby Bear,

Im finally feeling nauseous! Yay! But it's only occasionally. Sometimes it's after I eat, sometimes it's in the evening (which is when I had it with your sister). And I've been having more cramping. Hopefully it's the okay kind of cramping, I don't want to lose you. I want to bring you home and cuddle you and dress you up in cute clothes.
Your dad and I went out and bought you a few gender neutral sleepers the other day. We're really hopeful that you'll make it. We also feel like you're going to be a boy. I don't know why, but we're always compelled to call you "he" instead of "she." We already have your name picked out, either way! If you're a boy, you'll be known (at least on the blog) as our little Lion. And, if you're a girl, you will be known as Bumblebee. We also have your nursery picked out for you, too. Depending on your gender, of course. And which ever gender you're not, you're future opposite gender sibling will get the other name.
I'm so excited to see what you bring to our lives. We've had this gaping hole for a while now, and already you seem to be filling a piece of it.

Dear Baby Bear- week 5

Dear Baby Bear,

You're starting to worry me- you haven't made me sick yet! With your sister, I was sick by now! And my HCG levels on Friday were at 50. I had another test on Tuesday and am now waiting for the results. Right now, I'm guessing your due date is July 6, 2016. That's why this is "week 5." It may change sometime within the next few weeks, though. Hopefully we'll have an ultrasound soon and we'll see you for the first time. I think that will make you seem even more real. I still want to be sick, though. Or at least have some sort of symptom. You're scaring me Baby Bear! But I still love you- and I'll do anything I need to to keep you around and make sure you make it home to us. 

Oh yeah! I need to tell you the story of how we learned about you. So, you're father and I have been trying to conceive you since your sister died. Don't think it's because we wanted you to replace her- we had decided before she was born that we wanted our babies to be close in age, we wanted you guys to have a best friend to grow up with. So that's part of the reason why we wanted you so quickly- the other reason is because we wanted to be parents. We wanted a baby to give all of this pent up love to- we had it built up for Lilly, but we weren't able to give it to her, so we are praying that we will be able to give it to you. 

Anyways! Back to the story. So! Your mom (me!) has fertility issues. My body's hormones are all sorts of weird. Because they're weird, I don't ovulate, and my cycle doesn't normally start on its own. I had just finished my fourth round of clomid, and had been told that I didn't ovulate based on my blood tests. So I was waiting to see if my cycle would start on its own- if I got to cycle day 35, I was supposed to start a medication that induces a period. Cycle day 35 came around, and I decide to take a pregnancy test before I start the Provera. Provera is a medication that tends to lead to birth defects. I actually took it while I was pregnant with your older sister (unknowingly, of course). So I pee on the stick while I'm getting ready for work. I finish getting dressed and brushing my teeth, and I look at the test and saw a faint second line! Oh my gosh- my heart started pounding and I wanted to tell your dad right then and there, but he was sleeping and I had an idea previously planned out. I went to work for a couple hours, and then went to one of my friends houses. She was holding onto a shirt for me- I wanted to give it to your dad when I learned that we were expecting again, so I ordered it and housed it with her. So I went and got the shirt, put the pregnancy test into a box, and put both the shirt and the box in a gift bag, which I gave to your dad. 

Haha, he didn't believe me at first, and demanded that I take more tests- so I did! We're so excited to see you Baby Bear, we want to learn who you are and what your personality will be like. We want to cuddle and hold your warm, wriggly , crying body. But we have to wait another 33 weeks :( gosh, I hate waiting. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 4

Dear Baby Bear,

Hey there baby! You're dad and I found out about you just two days ago- two days! And you've already changed my life so much. Not anything physical, but emotional. You still don't feel real to me- I'm not sick, and you're way too little for me to feel you yet. Maybe things will be a bit better once I know you're there. I'm not saying they're horrible right now, life is just still difficult. I have this problem of hating certain people, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help change that in me. 

I've decided that I'm going to write you a letter each and every week- it will be kinda like you're "bump-date," but of course I'll still take pictures. Right now, you're about four weeks along. Soon enough we will know when you're due to come into our lives. Hopefully you make it into our lives. You're older sister, Lilly, did and didn't. She died just a few days before she was to be born- but you already know this because I'm going to tell you about your sister before you're ever able to read, anyways. 

I've been having such a hard time since she left us. You're father and I wanted to be parents so very much before her, and we still do after her. So hopefully you'll help us fulfill the dream of becoming parents to a living child. 

I can't wait until I know you're real. I've taken eight pregnancy tests and I saw my doctor Friday morning (the morning we found out) for a blood draw. I don't think I would need as much reassurance if I only had symptoms! Baby Bear? Make me sick! Hahaha, I never thought I would be WANTING to be sick! Lilly made me nauseous for six months. Six! I lost twenty five pounds with her- of course I gained it back, though. And then I had constant heartburn after that till I delivered her. I hated it all at the time, but I think it's because I didn't know what I would miss once she was gone. I now miss the sickness and heartburn. I miss the bladder kicks and lung squishing. It's funny how that all works out. 

Baby Bear, don't feel bad if I compare your pregnancy to your older sisters. Yes, she died, but you will live (hopefully)! And it's normal for mothers to compare their pregnancies. I'll probably compare your younger siblings' to yours.

I'm going to do my best to keep you around, baby. I'm going to do everything "right" this time around. No caffein, no baths that are slightly too hot, no hiking with the dogs a week before you're to come home with us, no cleaning with harmful chemicals, no raw meat (even though I love a medium rare steak), no deli meats. I did all of those things with Lilly. And I know they're not what caused her death, but I still feel slightly guilty for doing them. I wonder if I had only done everything perfectly if she would still be here or not. I don't know. And I know it's not good for me to dwell on theses sorts of thoughts. So I will try to hide them away. Daddy says my depressing thoughts are bad for you- I wonder if there's any scientific evidence that it is- I'll have to look it up. 

Do you remember WallE and Eva? 

That may have passed on by the time you get to read this. They each have noticed that I'm pregnant with you. WallE is my jogging partner. You know how he is a bit of a scardy cat? Well, he is now more on edge and protective while on our jogs. And he actually growled at a group of guys when we were jogging past the park! He hasn't done that since I was pregnant with Lilly. And Eva! Oh Eva. I'm sorry baby, but you're going to realize that I play slight favorites with the dogs. She has been way more cuddly than normal- and that's saying something! But I love them both- and I love you! I can't wait till we get to meet you. I'll write again next week. I love you Baby Bear!

Feel free to talk to me

I have received a few texts and messages from friends and family who always start out our new conversation with "blah blah blah made me think of you, and I hope you aren't offended  and I didn't know how to bring it up but I felt like I really needed to share it and I love you and blah blah blah." 
Guys, seriously. If you want to talk to me, then do it! Don't be afraid. If an article you read makes you think of me or my daughter, send it my way! I would love to know you're thinking of us. It makes me feel loved, and it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten. I have a few friends who send me pictures of Lilly-bugs they find all the time, and I LOVE IT. Okay? I ABSA-FREAKING-LOVE-IT! I add it to my collection of Lilly-bug pictures. I have an entire album in my icloud, and I make sure to write down who saw/sent it to me. 
Just because you think mentioning my dead baby will upset me doesn't mean that it will. I love it when people talk about her with me. I love it when friends send me music videos and articles that they think I might find comforting. Because most times, I actually do find them comforting. And if I've already seen what you're sending me, it seriously is the thought that counts. 
So feel free to talk to me! Feel free to tell me that you're thinking of me, don't be afraid that I'll bite your head off. Because I won't. I have no reason to. 
I'm seriously a super honest and open person. Since Lilly died, it's like I no longer have a filter. It's crazy, but it's also probably for the best. People are learning from me and my experiences, and I find that amazing and empowering. 

And if by some crazy chance, some new loss mom has found this blog (well, it is public and it gets a surprising amount of hits), please email me. I have a huge list of resources you may find to be helpful. Or if you just need someone to type your story out to, for someone else to know that your baby lived and that they were here, someone who might actually get what its like to lose a baby, please contact me. I would love to help you in any way that I can.