Expecting Our Rainbow

For those who don't know, A rainbow baby is a child born after pregnancy or infant loss, bringing beauty (like a rainbow) after the storm of child loss. A beautiful rainbow appears when light and rain come together; in other words, when you see a rainbow, the storm is still lingering. While we are still grieving our much loved daughter, we are grateful for the opportunity to once again become parents. We are not healed and dancing on sunshine because I am pregnant again. I am scared. Terrified. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new baby, or that I will no longer love Lilly. I loved this child even before it was conceived. I loved the thought of another child. This baby is beyond precious to me, just as Lilly is precious to me. Lilly is and will always be our firstborn child. She is and will be loved just as much as our other children.But I am scared. I am scared because I remember not even knowing my daughter had died before being told so. I remember the blame and the guilt that had set in after her death. I remember the excitement and expectations I had for her, and they all disappeared within an instant. I remember delivering her silent and perfect body. I remember how the only audibly cries in the delivery room were my own. I was broken- I still am. I lost a million dreams with the loss of my beautiful daughter. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up. And I am afraid that it will happen again. We've made it this far, but we of all people know that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. And the fact that babies aren't safe during infancy has become even more real to me. We've debated over telling people for the longest time. Close family and friends know (Mr. Barcenas doesn't know how to keep quite when he's excited), but that was about it till now. My mom wanted us to just wait till the baby was born and say "Surprise!" I originally wanted to wait until some point past 20 weeks. I've no idea why, I just felt like it was a safe idea. I've really started thinking about it lately, and I've decided that if we lose this baby too, I want to have your support. We have had so much love and kindness shown to us during our hard times with Lilly passing, and I honestly believe it has helped me move forward. And I love that- which is why I am telling you about this new baby.I do have a few requests- please keep your "I'm praying for you" comments to yourself, please. Feel free to pray for us though. I just don't want to know about it. I'm still a God fearing woman, I love Him, I trust in Him, but I have come to realize that prayers mean nothing when He really wants to take a life.Also, it would be FANTASTIC if you read this blog post before commenting. I can pretty much guarantee that I will blow up on you if you say something stupid. My patience is thin, and my emotions are that of a crazy hormonal pregnant woman. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 12

Dear Baby Bear,
You are now twelve weeks, a supposed mile stone. At this point, the chances of miscarrying you are very, very small. But, as we know, there's a reason for that small percentage- someone had to lose their baby in order to be that tiny 1%. So here's to hoping that we are never the family that is stuck in the 1% ever again.
I'm having a hard time trying to connect with you. I realize that you're there because I can now find and hear your heartbeat whenever I feel like it, but it doesn't seem real. You don't seem real. And I've probably already said that in a letter somewhere, but it's true. And I'm sorry. I want to feel a connection with you, I really do. I just haven't gotten to that point yet, I guess...

Dear Baby Bear- week 11

Dear Baby Bear,

Week eleven! Wow! Just about 27 weeks left! Your father and I moved back to Arkansas this past week, and I'm still getting things unpacked. You've got your own room already, but until you're here it will just be for storage. You're making me hungrier than ever, but I can only seem to eat small meals at a time- so I just want to eat all of the time. Along with being nauseous all of the time, because I'm always hungry. It's a little annoying, being sick because I'm hungry, hungry because I'm sick. But it will hopefully be all worth it in the end.

The dogs are enjoying Arkansas so far, and so are we. Abualita has been making sure that were taken care of, and makes me super yummy Mexican food. Seriously, it's been fantastic. Today we had enchiladas, and she's going to be making tamales sometime soon.

Oh! And you LOVE tangerines. Well, you do right now at least. 

Baby Bear! You're still alive! I got to open one of my Christmas presents early, a fetal heart Doppler, and I found your heartbeat! Yay! I'll make sure to post the video. It's quite, very quiet, but still there. 

Okay, so it's two days later now and I have a better recording of your heartbeat, so I'll post the good one. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 10

Dear Baby Bear,

Well, you made it another week with us, and for that, I am grateful. Today you are once again feeling unreal to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just sick, that I'm not pregnant. I know I'm pregnant with you, it just doesn't feel like it. 

Baby Bear! So, I have to pee, right? Well, I start thinking, that with a full bladder I might be able to feel my uterus- and guess what! I can! This weeks letter isn't too long, and I apologize for that. I don't really have anything to say this week. Love you Baby Bear!

Dear Baby Bear- week 9 (almost)

Dear Baby Bear,

Tomorrow, we learn if you're still with us. Tomorrow, we learn what your due date is. Is it July 6? Is it July 16? Or is it some day in between? We're going to talk to my doctor about our game plan, so we can transfer it over to a new OB in Arkansas. I'm sad that I'll be leaving the office I currently visit, but I think it will be good in the long run- I won't have to deliver in the same hospital your sister was stillborn in. These doctors and nurses have been so incredibly amazing throughout our journey to conceive you, though. They were so kind and compassionate after your sister died, and they were cool with us trying to conceive you right away. I hope our next doctor is like that- I like the idea of you and your siblings being so close in age. Lilly will only be about a year and a half older than you when you're born. You two would have been best friends, I just know it. 

I'm nervous about tomorrow. But I'm also excited. I'm kind of hoping you're going to actually be twins, and not just a single baby- is that so crazy of me??? Get two babies in one pregnancy! That'd be awesome! But then again, the chances of miscarriage and what not is higher with multiples. But I still think it'd be cool. Honestly though, I just hope that you're healthy and that you're developed as much as you should be- that, and that your not dead. Because that would suck. I don't want you to be dead. I want to keep you. (Please note, I wanted to keep your sister, too, but God had other plans for her). 

Oh! I need to tell you about my symptoms! Well, you're still making me sick, which is super good! I'm hungry almost all the time. Like, I wake up in the middle of the night, hungry and nauseous because I need to eat. But I'm nauseous, so I don't want to eat! You silly child. I can't eat a whole bunch even when I can eat, but I don't seem to be loosing any weight so far. The bloat is still going down, and the fatigue has hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I tried going for a jog, and only had the desire/ability to do 1.5. I'm normally better than that! I had gotten up to five miles before we conceived you. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get back up to it soon. I had set a goal with myself to be able to run a 10k by Christmas. Still haven't quite reached that- I need to exercise more. Oh! And I forgot to tell you. I've been constipated for the past, like, six weeks. Thank you, baby! Not. I could live without that part of pregnancy. But if it's from you, I'll take it. I'll take all the horrible pregnancy symptoms it it means I get to bring you home. I'll throw up ten times a day, I'll sleep through my classes, I'll live with horrible back pain and constant cramping- if it just meant I was able to keep you.

*update*

You're real! You're really real! You have a heart beat and everything, too! I am so excited- and I'll keep hoping and praying that you'll stick around. Oh! And your official due date is July 9, 2016. Yay! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 8

Dear Baby Bear,

I'm a little late in writing this (only by two days) but yesterday was Thanksgiving day! And, of course, you just haaaad to make me sick. I don't mind it though. Your dad made the turkey, like he does every year, and of course it was delicious. Now if only I could have eaten more than just two bites! I'm planning on making a turkey sandwich today- and I'm excited!

There are only five more days till we get to see you, and I can't wait. I'm so excited! Well, I keep telling myself to be excited. I'm nervous, honestly. I don't want to get there, and find out you don't have a heart beat. Your father most likely won't be joining us for the appointment- he has to work and doesn't think he can get away for the ultrasound. Which sucks. It really really does. I'm thinking of maybe asking a friend to come with me, just in case. I don't want to be alone to receive horrible news, and I can't ask Mimi to come since she's in Maryland, and Abuela is in Arkansas. 

I feel like if I go to the ultrasound, I'll be told you're dead. But if I skip the ultrasound and just do the prenatal appointment, everything will be fine. And I know that is complete and total nonsense. But that's what my brain is thinking. And it's stupid. You're either dead, or alive, and there's nothing I can do about it. You'll either have a heartbeat when we go in on Wednesday, or you won't. And I realize that. So I don't know what I'm thinking.... I guess I'm just scared. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to lose you. I've already made plans for you, I've already incorporated you into my life. I already love you.

Dear Baby Bear- week 7

Dear Baby Bear,

You're about the size of a blue berry! Your steadily growing, and I've finally begun to actually constantly feel nauseous. I love it :) it means you're cookin along just right in there. We still have two more weeks till we see you- I'm really hoping we see your heart beat. You'll be big enough, unless you've stopped growing and are no longer with us. But I'm going to try to be optimistic. 

I've recently started thinking that I may have an elective c-section with you. I worry that if we induce, you'll go into distress and I'll lose you- with the surgery, it's safer for you. So what if I have a longer recovery time? I'll have you, safe in my arms, and that's all that matters.

Of course, I've still got a long while till I need to decide how you'll be delivered into this world. I've also started looking into doctors in Arkansas for when your dad and I make the big move. We're pretty excited. Summer will be difficult, though. I'll be huge and pregnant with you! And Arkansas isn't exactly known for it's mild summers :/

I have a confession to make.... One of my elderly clients asked me today if I was pregnant. I said no.... I don't feel like sharing you with anyone else right now- especially not her. She's not my favorite client and we aren't really that great of friends. I have no reason to tell her, right? I feel bad, because I feel like I'm denying your existence. I think I just did it to protect myself. That, and I don't want to have to deal with all the questions right now. I'm not sure when we will tell the world that you're here and that you might be joining us in a few months. Do you forgive me? 
I know we will be telling our grandparents and close aunts/uncles the weekend after your first ultrasound. I'm going to make your father wear the "my wife is pregnant shirt" that I showed you a few weeks ago. Hopefully someone will read it and get the idea. I've thought of wearing a reveal shirt myself, but I haven't decided on a design or anything.  

Look Baby Bear! This is how bloated you've made your mommy! I'm already in my maternity jeans because you've made all my others too uncomfortable! 

Dear Baby Bear- week 6

Dear Baby Bear,

Im finally feeling nauseous! Yay! But it's only occasionally. Sometimes it's after I eat, sometimes it's in the evening (which is when I had it with your sister). And I've been having more cramping. Hopefully it's the okay kind of cramping, I don't want to lose you. I want to bring you home and cuddle you and dress you up in cute clothes.
Your dad and I went out and bought you a few gender neutral sleepers the other day. We're really hopeful that you'll make it. We also feel like you're going to be a boy. I don't know why, but we're always compelled to call you "he" instead of "she." We already have your name picked out, either way! If you're a boy, you'll be known (at least on the blog) as our little Lion. And, if you're a girl, you will be known as Bumblebee. We also have your nursery picked out for you, too. Depending on your gender, of course. And which ever gender you're not, you're future opposite gender sibling will get the other name.
I'm so excited to see what you bring to our lives. We've had this gaping hole for a while now, and already you seem to be filling a piece of it.

Dear Baby Bear- week 5

Dear Baby Bear,

You're starting to worry me- you haven't made me sick yet! With your sister, I was sick by now! And my HCG levels on Friday were at 50. I had another test on Tuesday and am now waiting for the results. Right now, I'm guessing your due date is July 6, 2016. That's why this is "week 5." It may change sometime within the next few weeks, though. Hopefully we'll have an ultrasound soon and we'll see you for the first time. I think that will make you seem even more real. I still want to be sick, though. Or at least have some sort of symptom. You're scaring me Baby Bear! But I still love you- and I'll do anything I need to to keep you around and make sure you make it home to us. 

Oh yeah! I need to tell you the story of how we learned about you. So, you're father and I have been trying to conceive you since your sister died. Don't think it's because we wanted you to replace her- we had decided before she was born that we wanted our babies to be close in age, we wanted you guys to have a best friend to grow up with. So that's part of the reason why we wanted you so quickly- the other reason is because we wanted to be parents. We wanted a baby to give all of this pent up love to- we had it built up for Lilly, but we weren't able to give it to her, so we are praying that we will be able to give it to you. 

Anyways! Back to the story. So! Your mom (me!) has fertility issues. My body's hormones are all sorts of weird. Because they're weird, I don't ovulate, and my cycle doesn't normally start on its own. I had just finished my fourth round of clomid, and had been told that I didn't ovulate based on my blood tests. So I was waiting to see if my cycle would start on its own- if I got to cycle day 35, I was supposed to start a medication that induces a period. Cycle day 35 came around, and I decide to take a pregnancy test before I start the Provera. Provera is a medication that tends to lead to birth defects. I actually took it while I was pregnant with your older sister (unknowingly, of course). So I pee on the stick while I'm getting ready for work. I finish getting dressed and brushing my teeth, and I look at the test and saw a faint second line! Oh my gosh- my heart started pounding and I wanted to tell your dad right then and there, but he was sleeping and I had an idea previously planned out. I went to work for a couple hours, and then went to one of my friends houses. She was holding onto a shirt for me- I wanted to give it to your dad when I learned that we were expecting again, so I ordered it and housed it with her. So I went and got the shirt, put the pregnancy test into a box, and put both the shirt and the box in a gift bag, which I gave to your dad. 

Haha, he didn't believe me at first, and demanded that I take more tests- so I did! We're so excited to see you Baby Bear, we want to learn who you are and what your personality will be like. We want to cuddle and hold your warm, wriggly , crying body. But we have to wait another 33 weeks :( gosh, I hate waiting. 

Dear Baby Bear- week 4

Dear Baby Bear,

Hey there baby! You're dad and I found out about you just two days ago- two days! And you've already changed my life so much. Not anything physical, but emotional. You still don't feel real to me- I'm not sick, and you're way too little for me to feel you yet. Maybe things will be a bit better once I know you're there. I'm not saying they're horrible right now, life is just still difficult. I have this problem of hating certain people, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help change that in me. 

I've decided that I'm going to write you a letter each and every week- it will be kinda like you're "bump-date," but of course I'll still take pictures. Right now, you're about four weeks along. Soon enough we will know when you're due to come into our lives. Hopefully you make it into our lives. You're older sister, Lilly, did and didn't. She died just a few days before she was to be born- but you already know this because I'm going to tell you about your sister before you're ever able to read, anyways. 

I've been having such a hard time since she left us. You're father and I wanted to be parents so very much before her, and we still do after her. So hopefully you'll help us fulfill the dream of becoming parents to a living child. 

I can't wait until I know you're real. I've taken eight pregnancy tests and I saw my doctor Friday morning (the morning we found out) for a blood draw. I don't think I would need as much reassurance if I only had symptoms! Baby Bear? Make me sick! Hahaha, I never thought I would be WANTING to be sick! Lilly made me nauseous for six months. Six! I lost twenty five pounds with her- of course I gained it back, though. And then I had constant heartburn after that till I delivered her. I hated it all at the time, but I think it's because I didn't know what I would miss once she was gone. I now miss the sickness and heartburn. I miss the bladder kicks and lung squishing. It's funny how that all works out. 

Baby Bear, don't feel bad if I compare your pregnancy to your older sisters. Yes, she died, but you will live (hopefully)! And it's normal for mothers to compare their pregnancies. I'll probably compare your younger siblings' to yours.

I'm going to do my best to keep you around, baby. I'm going to do everything "right" this time around. No caffein, no baths that are slightly too hot, no hiking with the dogs a week before you're to come home with us, no cleaning with harmful chemicals, no raw meat (even though I love a medium rare steak), no deli meats. I did all of those things with Lilly. And I know they're not what caused her death, but I still feel slightly guilty for doing them. I wonder if I had only done everything perfectly if she would still be here or not. I don't know. And I know it's not good for me to dwell on theses sorts of thoughts. So I will try to hide them away. Daddy says my depressing thoughts are bad for you- I wonder if there's any scientific evidence that it is- I'll have to look it up. 

Do you remember WallE and Eva? 

That may have passed on by the time you get to read this. They each have noticed that I'm pregnant with you. WallE is my jogging partner. You know how he is a bit of a scardy cat? Well, he is now more on edge and protective while on our jogs. And he actually growled at a group of guys when we were jogging past the park! He hasn't done that since I was pregnant with Lilly. And Eva! Oh Eva. I'm sorry baby, but you're going to realize that I play slight favorites with the dogs. She has been way more cuddly than normal- and that's saying something! But I love them both- and I love you! I can't wait till we get to meet you. I'll write again next week. I love you Baby Bear!

Feel free to talk to me

I have received a few texts and messages from friends and family who always start out our new conversation with "blah blah blah made me think of you, and I hope you aren't offended  and I didn't know how to bring it up but I felt like I really needed to share it and I love you and blah blah blah." 
Guys, seriously. If you want to talk to me, then do it! Don't be afraid. If an article you read makes you think of me or my daughter, send it my way! I would love to know you're thinking of us. It makes me feel loved, and it makes me feel like she isn't forgotten. I have a few friends who send me pictures of Lilly-bugs they find all the time, and I LOVE IT. Okay? I ABSA-FREAKING-LOVE-IT! I add it to my collection of Lilly-bug pictures. I have an entire album in my icloud, and I make sure to write down who saw/sent it to me. 
Just because you think mentioning my dead baby will upset me doesn't mean that it will. I love it when people talk about her with me. I love it when friends send me music videos and articles that they think I might find comforting. Because most times, I actually do find them comforting. And if I've already seen what you're sending me, it seriously is the thought that counts. 
So feel free to talk to me! Feel free to tell me that you're thinking of me, don't be afraid that I'll bite your head off. Because I won't. I have no reason to. 
I'm seriously a super honest and open person. Since Lilly died, it's like I no longer have a filter. It's crazy, but it's also probably for the best. People are learning from me and my experiences, and I find that amazing and empowering. 

And if by some crazy chance, some new loss mom has found this blog (well, it is public and it gets a surprising amount of hits), please email me. I have a huge list of resources you may find to be helpful. Or if you just need someone to type your story out to, for someone else to know that your baby lived and that they were here, someone who might actually get what its like to lose a baby, please contact me. I would love to help you in any way that I can. 

Ladybugs

So, if you know me, you know I have a thing for ladybugs. And this is the post where I explain why.
Lilly's nickname was Lilly-bug, so lady bugs kinda became her thing. Which is why they're my thing now. Every time I see one, I take a picture. I imagine it as if she's taking the time to say hello to me, or to give me a sign of encouragement. Now that it's winter, I won't be seeing them as often :/ which is kind of saddening, but ladybugs need a break, too. Maybe I'll find some other way to feel her love. 

The story of Eva

I figure it's about time I tell the story of how Eva came to be with our family. 

Mr. Barcenas was bugging me and bugging me and bugging me about getting a second dog. I was about five months pregnant at the time, and thought adding a second dog to our family was the stupidest idea ever. Seriously- why have two big dogs to walk when I was going to have a baby soon??? I can't walk two large dogs and a stroller- that's just crazy. 

Well, he convinced me to just go "look." Not a good idea. If you don't want to get a dog, don't go looking at the shelter! We found a greyhound lab mix who was soooo sweet and shy. We really liked her, so we went to the counter to see if we could adopt her, but we were told she was being transferred to a different shelter because someone wanted her over there. So sad! So we start heading home. When I think "oh! I saw a cute puppy on an animal sale page on Facebook!" You see, by this time I now wanted a puppy, too. They're just too cute to resist! This was the post I saw

It continued on to say that they would be dropping the puppy off at the animal shelter if they couldn't find a new home for it. I didn't want that to happen to her! Just look at her sweat face! So I called the number, and we went to the address- and here's a funny story- it was my old Sonic manager who was selling her! I find it funny, because I hadn't worked there for over a year. 

So we brought her home on October 19, 2014. And she's been with us since, despite my desires to get rid of her.

I know what you're thinking, "no! She can't have wanted to get rid of her! She posts about how much she loves that dog too much!" I know, I know, it's hard to believe. But I seriously thought that she needed to be rehomed. I talked to my family, and they thought she needed to be rehomed. She isn't really all that easy to train. WallE picked up tricks super fast, and he's nice- he knows not to step on people or to run them over. He's polite when it comes to begging and waiting. Eva is not. She's the opposite. She does not realize how big she is. She begs by putting her face or paw into your food, she ran into me once and dislocated my knee, she will jump up to your hand if your holding a treat, and she is overly kissy. It's like she has some sort of weird obsession where everything has to be in her mouth and touched by her tongue all the time. It's bad. It's still bad- better than before, but still bad. 

I had days where I would just cry and cry, because it was so hard handling the two dogs by myself while Mr. Barcenas was at work. He would come home, and I would cry to him about how I didn't want to give her away, but we needed to- I just couldn't do it. She was cute, and we had made the commitment to care for her the rest of her life, but I just couldn't do it. And he wouldn't let me get rid of her. And I am so happy he didn't.

I love this stupid dog so much. I honestly have no idea where I would be without her. She is the best cuddler. WallE doesn't cuddle much. The only times he ever has was when he got neutered, and when we came home from the hospital without Lilly.

He just laid his head on my stomach and looked sad (please ignore my swollen post-delivery feet)

But Eva, oh Eva. I didn't fall head over heals for her until a few weeks after Lilly had passed. Eva went to stay with a friend for a couple weeks while I was recovering physically- I wouldn't have been able to handle her energy at the time. But when she came back, she was a cuddle butt. She sits in my lap and loves on me. And it makes me feel so good. Like someone needs me, like there's this little (well, big) creature that depends on me and wants me to succeed. It's nice :) And it's so amazing how she can tell when I have a bad day. I get home from work, I sit on the couch, and she jumps up and lays down with me. God placed this dog in my life for a reason, and I believe I have found that reason.

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday was a bad day. And I'll have those. I realize that. But I seriously SOBBED for three hours straight. And I'm not exaggerating, just ask Mr. Barcenas. And it was gross- head colds and crying for long periods of time do not go together very well. 

There was a commercial. That's all it took to set me off, a stupid commercial. All about babies firsts. Their first baths, their firsts steps, their first words, and all about how you don't want to miss a minute of it because babies grow up.

My baby never had the chance to grow up. She never had the chance to crawl for the first time, to take her first steps- she didn't even have the opportunity to take her first breath. Seeing that commercial just brought it all back- all that we're missing and all that we will miss. You realize that she might be taking her first steps by now? She might have even started babbling "mama" and "dada." I know that she wouldn't know what she was saying/doing, but it'd still be cute. And it's all of those cute little moments that we are missing. Hell, I would give anything to change one of her diapers right about now. Throw up in my hair? Bring it on! Because those things would mean that my daughter was here, that she was living and that her body was processing and working the way it should.

And you know what got me tonight? I can't remember what she looked like... Yeah, I have pictures, but it's not the same. I can't remember the way she looked in my arms as I held her for the first and last times. I can remember her weight and feeling that her body was warm and then cold. I can remember thinking that she was so tiny and so fragile, and yet so big and solid. How had this seven pound human fit in my body? I can remember the silence of the delivery room, I can remember specifically thinking that I needed to stare and memorize because I wouldn't have this moment again in my mortal life, but I can't remember her face no matter how hard I try. And I feel terrible about it. I feel like the worst mother in existence. I don't even have drugs to blame for my inability to remember- I had the epidural taken out by that point, and I had yet to feel the development of my hematoma so I hadn't been started on a morphine drip. You'd think that a mom would be able to remember her child's face without having to look at a photo. 

I've been wanting to share this photo for some time, but haven't known how to. I guess now is a good way and time. Do you see my face? That is a face of disbelief. That is the face of a mother who refuses to believe that her much wanted and prayed for child is gone from the world. And yet, it is also shock, because she realizes that despite how much she wishes, this is not a dream. This is real life. People may think this photo isn't pretty. I kind of like it. It captures a moment of grief. It shows that her delivery wasn't just sad faces and sad smiles. There were so many emotions that we were feeling actual physical pain.

In the beginning, I looked like this for months. I've slowly been able to come out of it, though. I'm learning how to smile and laugh again- to really smile and laugh, to not just put on a mask. But these moments will hit, and they will continue to do so- the disbelief, imagining that these past (almost) nine months have all been a terrible horrible dream, the pain- oh the pain. Sometimes it hurts just as bad now as it did back then. 

But I'm doing better than I was, and that's what matters

Cold weather

The cold air brings back memories. I went to the grocery store a couple weeks ago and I had to put on my jacket. I hadn't worn this jacket since I was pregnant, and I was slightly surprised when it zipped up easily. I couldn't do that the last time I had worn it eight months ago. I sat myself in the car and had a flashback to when I was happily pregnant. In my minds eye, I could see myself wearing a white long sleeved maternity shirt, my maternity leggings and boots. I imagined myself looking down, and seeing my large rounded stomach getting closer and closer to the steering wheel. I remember being so excited to meet my baby, so excited for the day when Mr. Barcenas and I would be able to drive down Main Street to the hospital to meet our baby girl. 

I remember the day we finally drove down the road to the hospital. It wasn't in happiness or eagerness. It was in sorrow and heart break. We knew our baby girl was gone by then and there was nothing we could do about it. I remember thinking that I just wanted her out- and yet again, I just wanted to hold on. I didn't want to let her go. 

It started snowing today. In the past, I LOVED snow. I loved everything about winter, I loved how I could bundle up, in sweaters and scarves. I feel like winter looks good on me. Now, I don't know. I was heavily pregnant with Lilly last winter. I first knew I had felt her move in the fall, I was about 17 weeks. Winter is when I would receive multiple and continuous kicks from her, constant reassurance that she was there with me. I would sit out with the dogs in subzero temperatures and poke her and wait for her reply. It was my favorite thing to do, bugging her. 
Winter just brings back memories. And they're not bad, really. They more bitter sweet- sweet, because they're memories of my daughter, bitter, because she's not here to enjoy this winter with me. Bitter, because they bring back sad feelings- feelings of longing and desire for what was and what should have been. Bitter, because I can't have what I had wanted more than anything. And I won't be able to have her again, not in this life at least. I have to wait. And I hate waiting. 

Hope

I am seriously too damn optimistic! I haven't even ovulated yet for this cycle and I've already planned some stupid way to tell Juan that I'm pregnant. Like, I've already bought everything and hidden it away so he can't find it. Last time I just threw the stick at him. This time it will be much cuter! 

I'm so excited, and it aggravates me. What if I don't get pregnant again this month? I'm just going to crush myself. And yet I can't seem to let the hope fade- the hope that we will be blessed with another child soon. I hope and pray that we are. I would love to have a child to fill my empty and aching arms. 

One of those days

Today is one of those days when I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I would experience the emotional and physical pain of delivering my stillborn daughter and reliving the hell I've been through just to hold her again. Just to hold her. She wouldn't even have to breath, I just want to feel her weight in my arms again. I would LOVE it if she took a breath and continued on living, but I know thats not possible. Heck, I know going back in time isn't possible, but I would still take the opportunity if it arose.
I have a confession to make.... I can't remember what she looked like. Yeah, I can look at her photos, but I personally cannot remember what she looked like. I can't remember her face as I saw it when I held her. I can remember all the imperfections that have been edited out of her photos. I can remember the feeling of her still weight in my arms. I remember thinking that she was so tiny, and yet so big at the same time. I remember not wanting to jostle her too much. At one point, I let her head tilt, and blood came out of her nose. I was so afraid that I was hurting her. I knew I wasn't, I knew she was gone, and yet the fear was still there. I didn't even unwrap her from the swaddle the nursed brought her to me in. 

Ha. When I was waiting for my photos to get in, I was so worried that I would never know what her butt looked like, or her ears. I never actually LOOKED at them. And I felt like a bad mom. How many other mothers wish they could get a good look at their babies butts? Funny, huh? There are so many things I wish I could go back and redo. I wish I had taken more "bump" photos, more videos of her moving, more recordings of her heart beat. This is the only one I have, and she has the hiccups. I love it so much :) It's from my appointment on December 29, I was in the middle of a non-stress test and she decided to be silly.

I miss her so much. I wish I had gotten to know her better here on earth. I really don't want to have to wait to see her again. I know I have to, but I don't wanna. I just want my baby back. 

I saved a life today

Wanna hear about how I saved a baby's life? Okay, okay. I didn't physically save a baby's life, but I sure did help! I am not sharing this because I'm proud, or because I like playing hero. I am sharing because it may inspire others to speak up when they feel the need to. That, and it's just such an awesome and amazing experience and I want to share it :) 

On one of my loss-moms Facebook support groups, a mother posted about how she was 38 weeks pregnant, and her baby had started doing these weird rythmic movements. He was head down, and the movements were too big to be practice breaths, and not quite right for hiccups. Well, I happened to have a video recording of Lilly doing JUST THAT VERY THING on February 12, just a week and a half before she was stillborn. That's when she started doing it. She had never done so till a week and a half before all hell broke loose. I showed the video to my OB and he said she was doing those movements because her cord was compressed. I felt as if I needed to tell the mother this. Maybe her situation would be different than mine, and her son would be okay and it's just some little quirk he has. But what if I was right? What if her sons cord was compressed, too? If I didn't tell her, and her child died, I would feel so incredibly guilty. I would feel as if I was to blame because I hadn't done anything about it- I hadn't shared my experiences knowing that the knowledge I have could save her and her baby. 

So told the worried mother. And apparently I freaked her out enough to go and visit L&D (THANK GOODNESS!) Turns out, her son was in distress and she had to have an emergency c-section right then. Her and her son are doing just fine now, but wow! Imagine what would have happened had I NOT said anything??? This sweet momma had already suffered three miscarriages. I can't even begin to imagine what a stillbirth would have done to her. There are so many emotions going through me because of this experience. Some of them are confusing and I don't understand them, but the biggest is happiness, and relief. I am so glad that I saw that post when I did- that I was able to share my experience and help her. 

This is the video I mentioned. Please excuse the dogs playing in the background. I placed the TV remote on my stomach so that my mom would be able to see Lilly moving easier (I sent this video to her in a text). It was very unlike Lilly to move so much. She never really was the most active baby. She really enjoyed stretching :) These kinds of movements would last anywhere between ten minutes to three hours. 

My feelings and new moms.

It's like everyone around me is getting pregnant, except for me. I now have six friends that are pregnant. And I'm happy for them! I truely am! But I'm also jealous. And I'm hurt that I had to find out some other way than from themselves. None of them told me face to face. It's like they're afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, you know what? Lots of things hurt my feelings. It hurts seeing newborns at the grocery store, at church, on campus. It hurts just passing the baby section in Walmart and Target. It hurts that you're pregnant within your first four months of trying for a baby. It hurts that you get to experience the joy of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the baby bloat, the hormones- all while I'm stuck over here with the pain of rupture cysts and being sick and hormonal because of fertility drugs. It hurts knowing that I will have to watch you and your baby grow together. And it hurts knowing that I'm not going to be joining you for quite a while yet.

But I'm so happy for you- I'm glad that you get to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I'm glad that you are going to have this time to spend with your child. Please, cherish it. You never know how long you will have with you baby. It could be just a few short weeks, or it could be a few years. Maybe even a lifetime. You never know. That's something I wish I had done more while I was pregnant with Lilly- cherishing my time with her. I wish I had paid more attention to her rolling and kicking. I wish I had found joy in the nausea and food aversions. I wish I had never complained about her feet in my ribs. If I could go back in time, I would have found joy in every single little annoying and painful part of my pregnancy with her. Instead of crying because of the back and round ligament pain, I would have recognized that I was experiencing such pain because my daughter was growing, that she was healthy and big and that I should be thankful for the pain and it's meaning. Instead of being annoyed by the kicking that kept me up at night, I would have counted each and every movement and punch and recognized them for how beautiful they were.

So new momas, please, enjoy your pregnancy. Be thankful for the opportunity that you have to give life to a new child. Love that baby from the very beginning and never stop loving them. Find the joy in the not-so-joyful moments of pregnancy. And please, do not be afraid to talk to me! Yes, my daughter died, but I'm just like every other mother. And in case you didn't know, her death is not contagious. Talking to me will not kill your child. I love talking about my pregnancy with Lilly, sharing what little time I had to sustain her life. Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm always going to be hurting, it's my new normal. I want to celebrate the life you are creating with you. I want to be happy for you and share in the excitement. 

And, surprisingly, I've found that it's easier to be less sorry for myself if I'm talking to a pregnant mom. It's easier for me to be involved than it is to be watching from afar. So! Talk to me :) feel free to text or message me anytime you feel like. If I'm out with the dogs, come join me! Talk about your baby and your hopes and dreams for them. Tell me about the nursery your are planning, and names you have picked out. I love feeling included. And please remember, I love you all! And I really am happy for you :) 

Optimism

Why do I have to be so darn optimistic all the freaking time? You would think I love to get my hopes and dreams crushed... It's official, I'm not pregnant this month- yay. This always happens. I tell myself "This is it!" or "I'm finally going to be able to do blah-blah-blah!" and then I can't, or it doesn't happen. All the time. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, and yet I always do. Even now, I'm telling myself not to get my hopes up for next month, but I can feel the excitement building in the background. I know I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment, but what can I do? I guess that's just what kind of person I am.

I ovulated!

9-21-15
Turns out, I actually ovulated! So the pain was totally worth it :) oh, did I tell you the pain was because of a ruptured cyst? OUCH! Anyways. My cycle day 22 progesterone levels were at 33, which means the clomid did the trick and I released an egg. Now time to wait and see if it gets fertilized and implants. Yay for waiting 😒

If you're wondering

This was posted on one of the support groups I'm a part of, and OH MY GOSH- THE TRUTH! Just- please, read. 

Mrs. Jumbo

Remember the movie, Dumbo? Remember how the mom elephant (Mrs. Jumbo) kept waiting and waiting for a package from the stork, but every bundle of joy that came close to her either went to the left, or to the right. Well, I'm here to say that I know how she feels. So many women around me are getting pregnant and having healthy babies- it's depressing. Seeing what you want most, being given to someone else. I guess it wasn't the greatest idea to watch Dumbo this afternoon. Too many triggers in everything... I need to just live under a bridge...

Side effects

I knew clomid had side effects, but I didn't think they would be this bad! Intense cramps, headache, back ach, nausea, dizziness and light headedness, fatigue... Oh, and the bloating! If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant. Seriously, I'm huge right now. In the past two days, I have gained seven pounds. SEVEN! Just look at me! 

Normally, my stomach stops way before my boobs. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the smallest person, but I'm normally way smaller than this. Even my husband noticed that I've gotten larger. And it's only been the past two days! It's crazy how fast it all happened. And the cramping? Holy cow! It was so bad  yesterday I couldn't even ride my bike home from work. It was impossible to even jump on the bike. I called my doctors office and told them about it, and they've scheduled me for an ultrasound to see if I have ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). That, and I have a blood test to see if the drugs worked. Let's hope they did! Or else all this pain would have been for nothing. 

"You're still young, you can have more."

After Lilly died, I quit my first job. I was working with mentally and physically handicapped adults. One of my co workers asked me if I was coming into work the day I was delivering her (I was supposed to be on maturity leave). That was okay. She didn't know I had stopped working the week before.  Then, one of my managers asked me to work on the day of her funeral- after I had informed them of what had happened and what days I would be gone. That, and I was supposed to be ON MATERNITY LEAVE! Gah... I worked for them for over two years and that's how they treated me. Made me so mad.

So I quit. And now I work for a new company. I'm an in home caregiver for the elderly and the handicapped. I love it. I still get paid to do service, and I get to listen to their stories as I work. My least favorite part? Not knowing how they will react when I tell them that my one and only baby has died. Here's how the conversation normally goes:

"Are you married?"

"Yep! Just over two years now."

"Oh, now wonderful! Do you have any children?"

And this is where it gets interesting....

"Yes and no? I've a daughter who recently passed away, so yes I have a child, but none living."

They always ask how she died, so I tell them that she died shortly before she was born, that it was a cord accident. And then they do one of two things- they either express their condolences, or they say "oh, well, that's okay I guess. You're still young, you can have more."

Uhm, excuse me? My baby dies, and you tell me that I can have more? While that may be possible, it might also not be. It's like you're treating my child like a dog. "Oh your puppy died, but don't worry, you can get another." To me, that's pretty messed up. She's my CHILD. Not some pet that I can replace. 

Trying to Conceive

So, I figured out today that we've been officilly trying to conceive (ttc) for over a year now. We tried and prayed for over seven months to get Lilly, and now we've been trying for six months since her death. I know that's not long at all compared to some other women, but it's more than long enough for me. Please remember that I had a full term baby in that one year mix. So now we've been waiting for a living baby for over two years. 

Have you ever heard that women are more fertile after delivering a full term baby? I've heard that, too, and am calling bull crap on the statement. Why can't I be like everyone else, who gets pregnant super fast without problems and then has a living child at the end of ten months? I'm doing what I'm supposed to- I'm eating right, exercising, keeping in touch with my OB. Heck, I'm even on 200mg of clomid and I still don't ovulate. Oh the joys of infertility! I've one more round of clomid to go before my doc moves me on to some other treatment. Hopefully we won't need to move on to other stuff. The side effects from the clomid and provera are bad enough. I don't want to imagine how bad the stronger meds will be. 

Night time brain ramblings

I'm writing this post at 11:00pm. My brain is going everywhere, so I can guarantee that this won't have the greatest flow. There pretty much won't be any transitions. This is just what my brain looks like during one of my downward depression cycles. It may not even make any sense to you, but I need to get this off my mind.I was looking through my old blog posts when I came across thisHA! Totally being over hating pregnant women. Now I don't think I will ever be over it. Not only am I jealous of their bumps and healthy babies, I am also jealous of their innocence. The thoughts of "oh, it can't happen to me! I'm doing everything right" or "I'm past 12 weeks! This baby is for sure going to live" and the "oh! We've reached the age of viability! We're totally good now." The funny thing is though, is that it's not true. I used to believe the same thing. I was going to church, reading my scriptures, paying my tithing, attending the temple, being active in my church callings. I was exercising and eating healthy, staying away from soft cheeses and deli meats. I ate sushi once, but it was cooked so I figured that would be okay. I did everything right, and my baby still died. We reached twelve weeks, and we announced our pregnancy. 24 weeks came along, and we believed our baby girl was going to live no matter what. The week before her due date, we had everything set up for her impending arrival. Boxes and boxes of diapers and wipes- a pack'n'play so she could sleep right next to my side of the bed- blankets, cute pacifiers, adorable hand made clothes- nursing bras and udder butter, cute nursing tops. The car seat was installed in the middle of the back seat, and the stroller was stored in the trunk. Everything was ready and just a few days later, she was gone. GONE. Just like that. No warning. Everything had been perfect. We had no reason to believe she wouldn't survive. We were at the END. Oh the innocence. I will never have that back. I will forever be fearful of my future babies dying right at the end. I won't be able to calm down till they're screaming in my arms. (This part gets a little TMI, proceed with caution)Ha, something I wish more people knew- you know how a mothers body prepares for the baby, and her breasts grow and fill with milk to sustain the child's life? Yeah, well, when your child dies your body is stupid and doesn't quite realize there isn't anyone to feed. There isn't an "off" switch for lactation, or postpartum hair loss, or the beautiful stretch marks that now cover you're stomach and breasts. You have to deal with everything, but without the living proof of why you're suffering. You try everything you can to stop it, but it still comes. Days after you deliver your baby, your breasts fill and ache because they're so engorged, but you dare not touch them because you fear of prolonging lactation. You drink nasty herbal teas that are supposed to stop it. You take allergy medicines to suppress it. You bind your chest as tight as you can and pray that it will stop. And eventually, it slows down. And if your lucky, it stops within a few weeks (I'm a freaking cow, I still haven't stopped completely even after six months of doing everything I can to stop it). And once you're lucky and have stopped lactating, you think to yourself "okay, I've got this." And then you look in the mirror and see the stretch marks. You see every scar that your baby placed on your body and it breaks your heart, because your child isn't there. You have no living proof who shows that you earned each and every one of those tiger stripes. You turn away from the mirror and head to the shower. As you're shampooing your curls, you pull handfuls and handfuls of loose hairs from your head. More reminders of what once was and what should have been. After you've showered you go to bed. It's a comfortable 68 degrees in your bedroom, and you still need a fan blowing on your body because the hot flashes are so intense. You wake up in a pool of your own sweat, even after stripping off all unnecessary clothing and turning the fan on high. The torture never seems to end. What was supposed to be Lilly's nursery is right next to our bedroom. I've got most of her things put away, but not everything fits into the closet. We've since converted the room into a sewing/storage room. Why pay for a storage unit when you've got an empty bedroom? Ugh... Life just really sucks right now... If only it would get better.Another thing that I'm having problems with? Why me. Why my baby. Why does she get a baby, and I don't? She's a stoner, is in an abusive relationship, doesn't love the father, already has six kids, can't afford the child, is living off of welfare, is an undeserving mother, only tried to conceive for two months, is a teenager, had a one night stand, etc. It just doesn't make any sense. We wanted our child. We prayed for her. I underwent multiple fertility tests. We payed for extra ultrasounds just to see her every chance we got. We moved into a two bedroom apartment just for her. We were both working and saving up so I could stay home with her once she was born. I took a semester off of school so I wouldn't have to stress about finals the month after she was born. We were doing everything right, and making adjustments so our lives would be perfect once she joined us. It's just not fair :( that's pretty much the biggest thing that I've learned in the past six months, that life is not fair... At least I have an amazing husband and great dogs 

WallE and Eva

I seriously love my dogs- no joke. WallE and Eva are freaking amazing. They each have areas where they're better then the other, but I love them both so much! WallE is chill, and super obedient. I take him with me when I go for jogs. He heals the entire time, doesn't get too distracted, and is great company. He isn't super cuddly, but he is very protective and always makes sure he can keep an eye on both Juan and I. 

Eva is a different story- she's stupid. Like, no joke. Silly stupid, but still stupid. She will go to the water bucket and put her whole head in it- and then proceded to blow bubbles. She thinks she's a lap dog, but she's way too big! She's 80+ pounds of cuddling adorableness. The main reason why I love her so much is that she's super in tune with my emotions. Yeah, WallE can tell when I'm sad and crying, but Eva notices way before I get to the crying point. Just the other night I was sitting on the couch next to Mr. Barcenas. He was playing a video game, and I was reading blog posts and feeling sorry for myself. Eva gets up off the floor and climbs into my lap. I hadn't even said a single word. I didn't even tell the husband that I was upset. 

She seriously gets me, and I love that. 

I honestly have no idea where I would be right now without my dogs. They make me feel happy. Since Lilly's death, happiness has been hard to come by, and the dogs are my form of comic relief. They help distract me from my emotions when I need to take a break from them. They give me something to love and to care for. They give me a reason to get up in the morning on weekends. If they didn't need to go out, I would stay in bed all day. They give me a reason to be happy when I get home from work on the evenings- they're always so excited to see me. I just love them so much! That's why I always post about them (on social media). Once I have a living child, I'll start posting less of the dogs and more of the baby, but for now it's just the dogs, and they make me happy.