"Ohana means family. Family means no body gets left behind, or forgotten."
"This is my family... It is little, and broken, but still good."

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 17

Dear Baby Bear,

We're now at week 17. It seems just like yesterday we were at 10 weeks, and I was freaking out at every twinge of pain. Now, I don't really feel anything. Other than round ligament pain and occasionally you. I love it when I can feel you moving! I'm super excited for when you become stronger and I can feel you more consistently. I'm excited for the rib and bladder kicks. I'm ready to learn you patterns and to get a sense of who you are based on your movements. How annoyed will you get when I poke and prod you? Will you dance like crazy when I drink orange juice? How often will you get the hiccups? Your sister had hiccups A LOT. And apparently, it's a sign of cord compression- so don't get the hiccups too often!
Currently, you've been making me really hungry. Especially at 3:00 in the morning. Sometimes, it's a dog who wakes me up so early. Sometimes, it's my bladder. And sometimes, I just wake up for no reason. Tonight, it was Eva who woke me. She doesn't wine to go outside unless it's an emergency, and tonight she nosed my face and wined. So we went out and now I can't fall back to sleep. And I'm also now very hungry. And nothing sounds good. *sigh* The hard life of a pregnant woman.
I still haven't gotten a call from the MFM office in Little Rock. The nurse at my doctors office said they would call me and tell me when I was supposed to have my ultrasound (they get to tell me when it is, I don't get to schedule it). I'm excited for when I have that date to look forward to- I'm excited to see you again. I'm excited to compare your profile to your sisters- to maybe get the chance to see what you look like. All of the testing we have done so far indicates that you're to be a normal little boy. Let's hope and pray that it stays that way! I want to bring you home.
Yesterday, I decided to listen to your heartbeat with the Doppler- and you would not sit still!!! I could hear you moving around- you even kicked at the wand a few times. So I knew you were in there! I just couldn't get a reading on you. But, I'm determined, so I spent a solid 20 minutes trying to get you. I finally found you, and you were completely turned around and waaaaaay lower than you normally are. You were way over by my left pubic bone- normally, you're just to the right of my belly button. I can imagine that you're going to be a very hyper little boy- and I'm going to love that! We can spend all of our days outside, at the park, with the dogs... It's going to be great :)


Saturday, January 23, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 16

Dear Baby Bear,

We are now at week 16! Wow. I seriously cant believe that we’ve gotten this far. I had my first for real appointment with the doctor- it went really well! He asked a few questions about my pregnancy with your sister, and then suggested (before I even had the chance) to induce at 38 weeks. I LOVE THAT! I’ll also be having a level II ultrasound that has to be viewed with the MFM in Little Rock. Well, now don’t I feel all sorts of special! We just want to make sure that you’re growing and developing how you should be, since your sisters death was such a fluke. He checked your heart rate, and of course it took him a while to find you. You’re such a mover. It took the doctor a good solid five minutes till he was finally able to track you down.


This is just Eva being Eva. The silly silly puppy


Some days are easier than others- I just have to take it one day at a time. Most days I include the word “if” when I’m talking about you. Psht- who am I kidding. I include the word “if” any time I’m talking about you. It doesn’t mean I love you any less. I’m just scared and trying to protect myself. Apparently it’s not an uncommon theme among the loss momma world. We are still creating memories with you, we still love you more than anything, we still want you to come and join our family, and we’ve begun acquiring clothes and things for you. We ended up getting rid of a lot of your sisters “bigger” baby items. We kept all her clothes, the diapers and wipes, and the pack’n’play, but got rid of pretty much everything else. It wouldn’t all fit in a closet, and I hated seeing it out and unused.
You are going to be one of the best dressed little boys. I refuse to get you anything too tacky, and you will not be allowed to wear anything with monkeys. Momma doesn’t like monkeys. And you’re going to be brown with big cheeks and big ears. I just think it’s distasteful to put a brown, big eared baby in a monkey outfit. That and I just reeeeeaaaally don’t like monkeys. BUT I LOVE BEARS! That’s part of the reason why you’re called Baby Bear. Your father picked out a super cute teddy bear for you- the first of what I believe will be many. We also have some bear slippers that I am just way too excited for you to wear. I have also learned that girls are a lot more fun to shop for- sorry. They just have so many frilly and girly things! Pink and purple and yellow and butterflies and ladybugs and dresses and skirts and they’re just all around more fun (shopping wise). Boys- its all just super tacky “I love my mommy,” “Daddy’s sidekick,” tuck covered stuff… and I guess that’s cute. Maybe. But not my style. Sorry. You’re going to be stuck with cute cardigan onesies, and solid or simple patterned clothing. Unless I find something that’s absolutely adorable and cant live without. There are some tops that I’ve found on the Internet that I love. I’ll have to convince your father to let me get some.
Ignore the laundry in the background. I promise we aren't always so messy!
I’m finally really beginning to feel you move. Its like I have a bunch of tiny snakes rolling around in my stomach, and I love it. It seriously makes my day each and every time I feel you. Your father and I are incredibly excited to meet you- I just hope we don’t meet you for another 22 weeks! 20, at the very least. Anything less than that, and you’ll probably have problems.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 15

Dear Baby Bear,

You're a BOY! Oh my goodness! We're going to have a baby BOY! I'm so excited :) Your father and I are ecstatic. Seriously, we couldn't be any happier. Your dad has been wanting a boy since the day we got married. And me? I'm relieved. I would have been okay if you were a girl, and I do want a girl eventually, but I was afraid of the feelings I would have if we had found out that you were a girl. There would be so many conflicting and difficult emotions. Would you look just like your sister? Which of her clothes would you be wearing? I would be experiencing everything "first time mom," (take home baby wise) with a baby girl, but it wouldn't be the baby girl that I was originally supposed to bring home.
You are a different baby, a different gender, and will be a different experience all together. And I am grateful for that. Thank you. So far, you seem to be the best thing to have happened to your father and I since you sister passed. You're not going to replace her, but you will help heal some of the hurt we feel for her. I don't know if you will ever know how much we truly are thankful for you, how grateful we are to have you in our lives, and how much we love you and your sister.
Okay, so! On to how we found out you're a boy! I went to my first appointment at the new OB office. I just met with a prenatal nurse, and will be meeting with the Doctor next week. Aaaaanywaaaays, I'm talking with her about my medical history and everything that happened with Lilly and we were pretty much done when she says she wants to listen to your heart tones (fancy way of saying she's going check your heart beat). So she grabs the Doppler, has me lay down, and she looks for a good 20 minutes to find you. And she can't! I wasn't too worried though. I had found you earlier that morning. So she takes me over for an ultrasound just to check that everything is okay. And you are! You are okay :) You were just squirming around A LOT. They even had trouble pinning you down to catch a reading with the ultrasound machine. Your heart rate was at 159 that day :) The technician did just a few quick measurements to make sure you're growing okay, and she went to check your femur which is when I saw your tiny little penis. And I was like "oh my gosh! It's a boy!" And the tech says "oh! Did you not want to see the gender? I could have told you not to look just now." But I wanted to know what you were :) So I'm all okay with it! And I am soooo happy!

Look! See? You are a boy :)
You know how I said you were moving around a lot? Well, you were. So we couldn't get any cute profile pictures. But we did get a creepy one!


Told you- Creepy face!
I'm starting to feel more "normal" now. Im hardly ever nauseous, but I get these crazy intense headaches in the afternoon when I don't drink enough water. My uterus is continuing to grow, and is now above my belly button. 
Eva doesn't like that very much, because she can't sit on my stomach anymore. It's way too tender! She better get used to it, though! She's going to have to share her cuddles once you arrive. You, Baby Bear, are about four inches long, from the top of your head to the bottom of your butt. I imagine that you look pretty cute by now. More human-like, and less like an alien.
You're father and I went shopping for you today. Now that we know you're a boy, it's easier to find cute clothes :) and I have justifiable reason to buy them! You're gonna need 'em. You can't just wear pink all the time (all of your sisters stuff is pink. ALL of it). Were going to have to pick up some of the "bigger" baby items again, too. We got rid of most of it after your sister passed away. It wouldn't all fit in a closet, and I didn't want to see it lying around the house. We have quite a diaper stash, though! We kept all of those. I'm excited :) And so ready to meet you already.
Life still seems surreal at times, but you're becoming more and more of a reality to me- and I love that.

Oh my goodness, I think I just felt you. Like, FOR SURE felt you. Not just maybe feeling you. Do it again, Baby Bear! Do it again!

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 14

Dear Baby Bear,

Yayayayayayay! We have finally hit the second trimester! You know, the only comfortable three months of pregnancy? Well, that's what I've been told at least. Its still three months of being pregnant. And pregnancy is pregnancy- hardly ever comfortable. Not much more to say about that.
You scared me the other day! You really did! I had two separate dreams that we had lost you. The first, I started bleeding tons and tons, so your father drove me to the hospital. They pulled in an ultrasound machine, and then WallE woke me up to take him outside. So I didn't get to finish that dream, but I could tell where it was headed. When I fell back asleep after getting back in, I dreamt that I had delivered you, and you weren't breathing. So, the genius in me, starts doing CPR on your itty bitty tiny body. Seriously, you were so small- like four inches long at most. I never resuscitated you, and you just laid limp in my hands. So obviously, I was a bit of a mess when I woke up. I wanted to check for your heart beat, but I was afraid because I didn't want to know that you were gone. Finally, after having this eternal debate in my mind, I finally grabbed the Doppler and checked your favorite hang out spot- nothing but static. The reasonable part of my brain told the freaked out part of my brain that maybe you had just moved. So I kept looking. Nothing but my own heartbeat and static. I couldn't find you! By this point your father had woken up and tried finding you, too. And he couldn't. This is when the rational part of my brain took over. I didn't want to just run to the hospital to see if you were still with us- I needed to check again after I had gone to the bathroom and eaten. I needed to give myself a break and try again later. If you were gone, the doctors couldn't do anything for us, and I didn't want to play the "overly freaked out mother." I ate breakfast, I went out for a few hours with a friend, and then I came back home. I was hesitant to try again, but your father was worried, too, and quite persistent that we check again. So I get the Doppler out, and your father took the wand from me- he wanted to try first. And of course, within the first ten seconds, he finds you. In your favorite spot. Your heartbeat just beating along at a happy pace of 180. Don't ever worry me like that again! It's not very nice to make your mother worry. I'm going to have grey hairs before you're ever born.



Listen to that pretty little heartbeat- isn't it the greatest sound ever???

You're still making me nauseous- just yesterday I was sick from morning till night. I hadn't eaten much, just a sandwich. I was waiting up with your father while he finished some paperwork, when out of no where- BOOM! I'm so hungry I could eat a cow. Well, not really a cow because I can't eat a ton anymore (my stomach has shrunk). But I was sooooo hungry! So we went to IHOP- it was pretty much the only place still open. I got to eat some pancakes, and they were delicious! It's 9:30am now, and I'm still not hungry- that's how much I ate. But hey, when you're sick and pregnant, and you finally feel like eating, you eat. 

Me and my big-ole bump at 14 weeks
My baby bump is beginning to become more pronounced. I can definitely feel it when I'm sitting and I try to bend forward. Looks like I won't be able to do that for much longer! My uterus is starting to creep up past my belly button. I like to just lay in bed and feel around it- it's cool! Pregnancy is an amazing experience. Thank you so much for coming into our lives and giving me this opportunity again Baby Bear.



Saturday, January 2, 2016

Dear Baby Bear- week 13

Dear Baby Bear,

You're the size of a jalapeƱo! I find it funny and ironic, because you're Hispanic. We've hit the 13 week mark, the last week of the first trimester. Only a few more weeks till we know what you are! Are you a boy, like your father and I feel you are? Or are you a girl, like your grandmothers think you are? Only time will tell! And I hate waiting. 
Yesterday was WallE's birthday! 



He's now two whole years old! It's incredible that your father and I have had him for this long. It's crazy how time just seems to fly past, but can seem to last such an eternity as well. Anyways! You're uncle went shopping with me for WallE's birthday present, and he picked him out a nice new red ball- WallE LOVES it! Absolutely loves it. 



He wanted to play with it all last night, and I had to take it away from him so we could get some sleep! He also got a cupcake shaped dog cookie, which he also enjoyed. We had to put Eva in the other room so he could enjoy it all by himself. And enjoy it he did!  

"Can I eat it now?"



So far (symptom wise) you still have me unable to eat chicken. Also, the heartburn with you is incredible. It didn't start till about 24 weeks with Lilly, and you've got me eating tums like candy already! You made me get up to go to the bathroom four times last night. That's a new record. Usually it's only once or twice. Im definitely feeling a heaviness in my lower abdomen (aka, you, and my uterus), and my face looks like a teenagers with all the acne that's popped up. They say that pregnancy is the wonderful time where the woman is glowing and absolutely beautiful. I don't feel like that's true! Sure, it's amazing that my body is growing another life, but the mom being beautiful? Honey, I look fat because of all the bloat, and I have a pizza face. Let's just wait till I look like I'm pregnant before we go off saying I'm beautiful just yet.

Here I am, pregnant with you. In exercise and regular clothes- both on the same day 





Yep! Just lots of bloat. But that's okay, because it's all for you.