"Ohana means family. Family means no body gets left behind, or forgotten."
"This is my family... It is little, and broken, but still good."

Sunday, September 27, 2015

My feelings and new moms.

It's like everyone around me is getting pregnant, except for me. I now have six friends that are pregnant. And I'm happy for them! I truely am! But I'm also jealous. And I'm hurt that I had to find out some other way than from themselves. None of them told me face to face. It's like they're afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, you know what? Lots of things hurt my feelings. It hurts seeing newborns at the grocery store, at church, on campus. It hurts just passing the baby section in Walmart and Target. It hurts that you're pregnant within your first four months of trying for a baby. It hurts that you get to experience the joy of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the baby bloat, the hormones- all while I'm stuck over here with the pain of rupture cysts and being sick and hormonal because of fertility drugs. It hurts knowing that I will have to watch you and your baby grow together. And it hurts knowing that I'm not going to be joining you for quite a while yet.
But I'm so happy for you- I'm glad that you get to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I'm glad that you are going to have this time to spend with your child. Please, cherish it. You never know how long you will have with you baby. It could be just a few short weeks, or it could be a few years. Maybe even a lifetime. You never know. That's something I wish I had done more while I was pregnant with Lilly- cherishing my time with her. I wish I had paid more attention to her rolling and kicking. I wish I had found joy in the nausea and food aversions. I wish I had never complained about her feet in my ribs. If I could go back in time, I would have found joy in every single little annoying and painful part of my pregnancy with her. Instead of crying because of the back and round ligament pain, I would have recognized that I was experiencing such pain because my daughter was growing, that she was healthy and big and that I should be thankful for the pain and it's meaning. Instead of being annoyed by the kicking that kept me up at night, I would have counted each and every movement and punch and recognized them for how beautiful they were.
So new momas, please, enjoy your pregnancy. Be thankful for the opportunity that you have to give life to a new child. Love that baby from the very beginning and never stop loving them. Find the joy in the not-so-joyful moments of pregnancy. And please, do not be afraid to talk to me! Yes, my daughter died, but I'm just like every other mother. And in case you didn't know, her death is not contagious. Talking to me will not kill your child. I love talking about my pregnancy with Lilly, sharing what little time I had to sustain her life. Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm always going to be hurting, it's my new normal. I want to celebrate the life you are creating with you. I want to be happy for you and share in the excitement. 
And, surprisingly, I've found that it's easier to be less sorry for myself if I'm talking to a pregnant mom. It's easier for me to be involved than it is to be watching from afar. So! Talk to me :) feel free to text or message me anytime you feel like. If I'm out with the dogs, come join me! Talk about your baby and your hopes and dreams for them. Tell me about the nursery your are planning, and names you have picked out. I love feeling included. And please remember, I love you all! And I really am happy for you :) 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Optimism

Why do I have to be so darn optimistic all the freaking time? You would think I love to get my hopes and dreams crushed... It's official, I'm not pregnant this month- yay. This always happens. I tell myself "This is it!" or "I'm finally going to be able to do blah-blah-blah!" and then I can't, or it doesn't happen. All the time. I tell myself not to get my hopes up, and yet I always do. Even now, I'm telling myself not to get my hopes up for next month, but I can feel the excitement building in the background. I know I'm just setting myself up for more disappointment, but what can I do? I guess that's just what kind of person I am.

I ovulated!

9-21-15
Turns out, I actually ovulated! So the pain was totally worth it :) oh, did I tell you the pain was because of a ruptured cyst? OUCH! Anyways. My cycle day 22 progesterone levels were at 33, which means the clomid did the trick and I released an egg. Now time to wait and see if it gets fertilized and implants. Yay for waiting 😒

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

If you're wondering

This was posted on one of the support groups I'm a part of, and OH MY GOSH- THE TRUTH! Just- please, read. 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Mrs. Jumbo

Remember the movie, Dumbo? Remember how the mom elephant (Mrs. Jumbo) kept waiting and waiting for a package from the stork, but every bundle of joy that came close to her either went to the left, or to the right. Well, I'm here to say that I know how she feels. So many women around me are getting pregnant and having healthy babies- it's depressing. Seeing what you want most, being given to someone else. I guess it wasn't the greatest idea to watch Dumbo this afternoon. Too many triggers in everything... I need to just live under a bridge...

Friday, September 11, 2015

Side effects

I knew clomid had side effects, but I didn't think they would be this bad! Intense cramps, headache, back ach, nausea, dizziness and light headedness, fatigue... Oh, and the bloating! If I didn't know better, I would think I was pregnant. Seriously, I'm huge right now. In the past two days, I have gained seven pounds. SEVEN! Just look at me! 
Normally, my stomach stops way before my boobs. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the smallest person, but I'm normally way smaller than this. Even my husband noticed that I've gotten larger. And it's only been the past two days! It's crazy how fast it all happened. And the cramping? Holy cow! It was so bad  yesterday I couldn't even ride my bike home from work. It was impossible to even jump on the bike. I called my doctors office and told them about it, and they've scheduled me for an ultrasound to see if I have ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS). That, and I have a blood test to see if the drugs worked. Let's hope they did! Or else all this pain would have been for nothing. 

Thursday, September 10, 2015

"You're still young, you can have more."

After Lilly died, I quit my first job. I was working with mentally and physically handicapped adults. One of my co workers asked me if I was coming into work the day I was delivering her (I was supposed to be on maturity leave). That was okay. She didn't know I had stopped working the week before.  Then, one of my managers asked me to work on the day of her funeral- after I had informed them of what had happened and what days I would be gone. That, and I was supposed to be ON MATERNITY LEAVE! Gah... I worked for them for over two years and that's how they treated me. Made me so mad.
So I quit. And now I work for a new company. I'm an in home caregiver for the elderly and the handicapped. I love it. I still get paid to do service, and I get to listen to their stories as I work. My least favorite part? Not knowing how they will react when I tell them that my one and only baby has died. Here's how the conversation normally goes:
"Are you married?"
"Yep! Just over two years now."
"Oh, now wonderful! Do you have any children?"
And this is where it gets interesting....
"Yes and no? I've a daughter who recently passed away, so yes I have a child, but none living."
They always ask how she died, so I tell them that she died shortly before she was born, that it was a cord accident. And then they do one of two things- they either express their condolences, or they say "oh, well, that's okay I guess. You're still young, you can have more."
Uhm, excuse me? My baby dies, and you tell me that I can have more? While that may be possible, it might also not be. It's like you're treating my child like a dog. "Oh your puppy died, but don't worry, you can get another." To me, that's pretty messed up. She's my CHILD. Not some pet that I can replace. 

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Trying to Conceive

So, I figured out today that we've been officilly trying to conceive (ttc) for over a year now. We tried and prayed for over seven months to get Lilly, and now we've been trying for six months since her death. I know that's not long at all compared to some other women, but it's more than long enough for me. Please remember that I had a full term baby in that one year mix. So now we've been waiting for a living baby for over two years. 
Have you ever heard that women are more fertile after delivering a full term baby? I've heard that, too, and am calling bull crap on the statement. Why can't I be like everyone else, who gets pregnant super fast without problems and then has a living child at the end of ten months? I'm doing what I'm supposed to- I'm eating right, exercising, keeping in touch with my OB. Heck, I'm even on 200mg of clomid and I still don't ovulate. Oh the joys of infertility! I've one more round of clomid to go before my doc moves me on to some other treatment. Hopefully we won't need to move on to other stuff. The side effects from the clomid and provera are bad enough. I don't want to imagine how bad the stronger meds will be. 

Monday, September 7, 2015

Night time brain ramblings

I'm writing this post at 11:00pm. My brain is going everywhere, so I can guarantee that this won't have the greatest flow. There pretty much won't be any transitions. This is just what my brain looks like during one of my downward depression cycles. It may not even make any sense to you, but I need to get this off my mind.I was looking through my old blog posts when I came across thisHA! Totally being over hating pregnant women. Now I don't think I will ever be over it. Not only am I jealous of their bumps and healthy babies, I am also jealous of their innocence. The thoughts of "oh, it can't happen to me! I'm doing everything right" or "I'm past 12 weeks! This baby is for sure going to live" and the "oh! We've reached the age of viability! We're totally good now." The funny thing is though, is that it's not true. I used to believe the same thing. I was going to church, reading my scriptures, paying my tithing, attending the temple, being active in my church callings. I was exercising and eating healthy, staying away from soft cheeses and deli meats. I ate sushi once, but it was cooked so I figured that would be okay. I did everything right, and my baby still died. We reached twelve weeks, and we announced our pregnancy. 24 weeks came along, and we believed our baby girl was going to live no matter what. The week before her due date, we had everything set up for her impending arrival. Boxes and boxes of diapers and wipes- a pack'n'play so she could sleep right next to my side of the bed- blankets, cute pacifiers, adorable hand made clothes- nursing bras and udder butter, cute nursing tops. The car seat was installed in the middle of the back seat, and the stroller was stored in the trunk. Everything was ready and just a few days later, she was gone. GONE. Just like that. No warning. Everything had been perfect. We had no reason to believe she wouldn't survive. We were at the END. Oh the innocence. I will never have that back. I will forever be fearful of my future babies dying right at the end. I won't be able to calm down till they're screaming in my arms. (This part gets a little TMI, proceed with caution)Ha, something I wish more people knew- you know how a mothers body prepares for the baby, and her breasts grow and fill with milk to sustain the child's life? Yeah, well, when your child dies your body is stupid and doesn't quite realize there isn't anyone to feed. There isn't an "off" switch for lactation, or postpartum hair loss, or the beautiful stretch marks that now cover you're stomach and breasts. You have to deal with everything, but without the living proof of why you're suffering. You try everything you can to stop it, but it still comes. Days after you deliver your baby, your breasts fill and ache because they're so engorged, but you dare not touch them because you fear of prolonging lactation. You drink nasty herbal teas that are supposed to stop it. You take allergy medicines to suppress it. You bind your chest as tight as you can and pray that it will stop. And eventually, it slows down. And if your lucky, it stops within a few weeks (I'm a freaking cow, I still haven't stopped completely even after six months of doing everything I can to stop it). And once you're lucky and have stopped lactating, you think to yourself "okay, I've got this." And then you look in the mirror and see the stretch marks. You see every scar that your baby placed on your body and it breaks your heart, because your child isn't there. You have no living proof who shows that you earned each and every one of those tiger stripes. You turn away from the mirror and head to the shower. As you're shampooing your curls, you pull handfuls and handfuls of loose hairs from your head. More reminders of what once was and what should have been. After you've showered you go to bed. It's a comfortable 68 degrees in your bedroom, and you still need a fan blowing on your body because the hot flashes are so intense. You wake up in a pool of your own sweat, even after stripping off all unnecessary clothing and turning the fan on high. The torture never seems to end. What was supposed to be Lilly's nursery is right next to our bedroom. I've got most of her things put away, but not everything fits into the closet. We've since converted the room into a sewing/storage room. Why pay for a storage unit when you've got an empty bedroom? Ugh... Life just really sucks right now... If only it would get better.Another thing that I'm having problems with? Why me. Why my baby. Why does she get a baby, and I don't? She's a stoner, is in an abusive relationship, doesn't love the father, already has six kids, can't afford the child, is living off of welfare, is an undeserving mother, only tried to conceive for two months, is a teenager, had a one night stand, etc. It just doesn't make any sense. We wanted our child. We prayed for her. I underwent multiple fertility tests. We payed for extra ultrasounds just to see her every chance we got. We moved into a two bedroom apartment just for her. We were both working and saving up so I could stay home with her once she was born. I took a semester off of school so I wouldn't have to stress about finals the month after she was born. We were doing everything right, and making adjustments so our lives would be perfect once she joined us. It's just not fair :( that's pretty much the biggest thing that I've learned in the past six months, that life is not fair... At least I have an amazing husband and great dogs 

WallE and Eva

I seriously love my dogs- no joke. WallE and Eva are freaking amazing. They each have areas where they're better then the other, but I love them both so much! WallE is chill, and super obedient. I take him with me when I go for jogs. He heals the entire time, doesn't get too distracted, and is great company. He isn't super cuddly, but he is very protective and always makes sure he can keep an eye on both Juan and I. 

Eva is a different story- she's stupid. Like, no joke. Silly stupid, but still stupid. She will go to the water bucket and put her whole head in it- and then proceded to blow bubbles. She thinks she's a lap dog, but she's way too big! She's 80+ pounds of cuddling adorableness. The main reason why I love her so much is that she's super in tune with my emotions. Yeah, WallE can tell when I'm sad and crying, but Eva notices way before I get to the crying point. Just the other night I was sitting on the couch next to Mr. Barcenas. He was playing a video game, and I was reading blog posts and feeling sorry for myself. Eva gets up off the floor and climbs into my lap. I hadn't even said a single word. I didn't even tell the husband that I was upset. 

She seriously gets me, and I love that. 

I honestly have no idea where I would be right now without my dogs. They make me feel happy. Since Lilly's death, happiness has been hard to come by, and the dogs are my form of comic relief. They help distract me from my emotions when I need to take a break from them. They give me something to love and to care for. They give me a reason to get up in the morning on weekends. If they didn't need to go out, I would stay in bed all day. They give me a reason to be happy when I get home from work on the evenings- they're always so excited to see me. I just love them so much! That's why I always post about them (on social media). Once I have a living child, I'll start posting less of the dogs and more of the baby, but for now it's just the dogs, and they make me happy. 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Lillianna Marie


Welp, like always, life didn't quite work out how we had planned... Remember last time, how I was posting about being so excited to meet our baby girl and how we were so close and so blessed with the opportunity to become parents? Yeah, well, our baby died... There's probably a more tactful way to say that, but I can't really think right now. Ever since she died my brain has been one big bucket of confusion, depression,  jealousy, anger, sadness... One day, she was perfectly fine, the next, she was gone... 

Once I hit 28 weeks, I started NSTs twice a week. There was only one day when our baby girl wasn't moving as much as the nurse would like, so she had me drink apple juice and lay on my side. Only then did they get the movements they needed. That was on January 19. On February 12, we had our 38 week scan. Lilly's heart beat was at 110, and would barely spike while she was moving. Since it was still in the "normal" range, no one was worried. I ask the ultrasound technician if she could tell if the cord was around her neck or not. She told me that it went behind the neck, which was a good indicator that it did, but not to worry, because babies are born with their cord wrapped around their necks all the time. I knew this, so I didn't worry. On February 17, we went in for another NST. Once again, her heart beat was around 110. I informed my nurse practitioner that my baby was moving less than normal. I was told its normal for babies to move less towards the end of pregnancy, because they're running out of room. It made sense to me, so I didn't worry. February 18, I went hiking with my husband, our two dogs, and my brother and his one dog. At one point, the two youngest (6months and 4months, both weighing 40+lbs each) barreled into the side of my right knee. It dislocated and I fell down. I landed on my left side, and I have had harder falls during the pregnancy so I didn't worry. I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf again (I had been in twice already for contractions that wouldn't stop for me). My mom arrived February 20, at like, 3:00am (Lilly's due date was February 23, so she wanted to be here in time for the birth of her first grand baby) I had an appointment that morning, so I woke her up to go with my husband and I. All of the NST monitors were full, so they just put us in the ultrasound room. I had a contraction right before the tech put the wand on my belly. I was convinced that it was my daughter stretching. It wasn't painful, and it was only tight on parts of my stomach. The tech started looking around, and said "I'll be right back, there's something I need the doctor to look at." She left, and my mom started asking me if I had felt the baby move. I said yes, just before the exam started. I was nervous, but also excited. I tend to look on the bright side of things. I was trying to convince myself that my baby wasn't doing well, but was still alive and that I would be meeting her that night. I was soooooo wrong... My doctor came in and told us that there was no heart beat. I just broke. How could there be no heartbeat??? My baby had just moved! What could have gone wrong?? She's been prefect the entire pregnancy, she couldn't just be gone like that. Doc started looking around and said that it was either the cord (which was wrapped around her neck) that caused her death, or a placental abruption. There was a dark spot behind the placenta (they've since decided that it was the cord). I had never bled, so I didn't even think there could be anything wrong. The nurses moved us to the opposite side of the office, to have some privacy (I think they also moved us because I was crying so loud and they didn't want to disturb the happily pregnant women). My mom started asking a whole bunch of questions that I can't remember now. All I know is that they were of the medical nature (she's a nurse). We decided to start the induction that night. I just wanted my baby out. I couldn't stand to think that she was inside of me, dead. My body is supposed to create life, not destroy it. 
We got home from the office and I just laid in bed, crying. My husband was speechless, and my mother continued to pack up our apartment (we were moving that weekend to a two bedroom apartment. That's a whole other story, though). We were scheduled for an 8:00pm induction. I unpacked her hospital bag, seeing as how she wouldn't need it. We left for the hospital, and the nurses put us in the largest L&D suit ever. Like, seriously. It could have been three rooms if they wanted. They started me on some sort of pill along with a sleeping aid, and I passed out till the morning. My contractions weren't bothersome, and I hadn't dilated any, so they started the pitocin and I got the epidural as soon as I could. My daughters birth was already going to be traumatizing, I didn't want it to be any worse. I wanted it to be a semi positive experience. Around noon on February 21, they broke my water. There wasn't much of it, and what was there was full of blood and meconium. Around 5:50, I started feeling pressure. I called my nurse in and she's like "let's have a look! How about you try a practice push." So I did, and she immediately told me to stop. She went and called my doctor, who came in a little after 6:00. By 6:09, my beautiful Lillianna Marie had silently entered the world. She was beautiful. The perfect little baby. I had made fun of Mr. Barcenas, always saying that I hoped our baby would have my nose, because it was cuter. She had his but his nose it's really cute in baby form, so that's okay. I held her while my doctor delivered the placenta (he later said it just came right out, it wasn't attached at all) and stitched me up (just one!). A nurse came and took Lilly to be cleaned up while my husband and I just held each other and cried. They brought Lilly back in, and a photographer from NLMDTS came in and took some pictures for us. She also brought us a teddy bear and photographed Lilly with it, so that we could later use the bear to represent her in our family photos (which is why you'll see a bear in our pictures). Once she left and we had said goodbye to our daughter, I got up to shower and use the restroom. It was then that I developed a hematoma. Worst pain in my entire LIFE! I had corrective surgery six weeks later once my doctor realized that it was larger than he has first thought (the size of a baseball! Ouch!). I had started seeing a counselor while I was pregnant for my depression and anxiety, and I still see him since Lilly died. I recently have stopped taking my antidepressants. I'm trying to decide if I still need to be on them or not. I've been off of them for just over a week now, and I've no idea if they're out of my system or what yet. I feel as if I've had more breakdowns since stopping them, but I don't know for sure. I'll have to bring it up in my next counseling session. 
I can tell that I'm doing better now than I was doing six months ago, but I still have hard days. And now it's even harder to see pregnant women who have no worry and are convinced that "that won't happen to me." I used to think the same thing. And now Mr. Barcenas and I are members of an exclusive club we never wanted to join.
I'm going to start using this blog as a place to talk about our baby and my feelings and what not. Of course I'll still use it for updates on us, but I've been told that I make people feel uncomfortable by posting about my feelings and experiences on social media, So, now you all have a choice as to whether or not you want to read it. 
And now, just because I'm like every other mother, I am going to post baby spam. These are the only photos I will ever have of my daughter, and I want to show her off like every other parent. 








 Grandmas first grand-baby





 He can make me smile even on the worst days

This is one of my all time favorite photos. He would be such a great father