"Ohana means family. Family means no body gets left behind, or forgotten."
"This is my family... It is little, and broken, but still good."

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Lillianna Marie

Welp, like always, life didn't quite work out how we had planned... Remember last time, how I was posting about being so excited to meet our baby girl and how we were so close and so blessed with the opportunity to become parents? Yeah, well, our baby died... There's probably a more tactful way to say that, but I can't really think right now. Ever since she died my brain has been one big bucket of confusion, depression,  jealousy, anger, sadness... One day, she was perfectly fine, the next, she was gone... 

Once I hit 28 weeks, I started NSTs twice a week. There was only one day when our baby girl wasn't moving as much as the nurse would like, so she had me drink apple juice and lay on my side. Only then did they get the movements they needed. That was on January 19. On February 12, we had our 38 week scan. Lilly's heart beat was at 110, and would barely spike while she was moving. Since it was still in the "normal" range, no one was worried. I ask the ultrasound technician if she could tell if the cord was around her neck or not. She told me that it went behind the neck, which was a good indicator that it did, but not to worry, because babies are born with their cord wrapped around their necks all the time. I knew this, so I didn't worry. On February 17, we went in for another NST. Once again, her heart beat was around 110. I informed my nurse practitioner that my baby was moving less than normal. I was told its normal for babies to move less towards the end of pregnancy, because they're running out of room. It made sense to me, so I didn't worry. February 18, I went hiking with my husband, our two dogs, and my brother and his one dog. At one point, the two youngest (6months and 4months, both weighing 40+lbs each) barreled into the side of my right knee. It dislocated and I fell down. I landed on my left side, and I have had harder falls during the pregnancy so I didn't worry. I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf again (I had been in twice already for contractions that wouldn't stop for me). My mom arrived February 20, at like, 3:00am (Lilly's due date was February 23, so she wanted to be here in time for the birth of her first grand baby) I had an appointment that morning, so I woke her up to go with my husband and I. All of the NST monitors were full, so they just put us in the ultrasound room. I had a contraction right before the tech put the wand on my belly. I was convinced that it was my daughter stretching. It wasn't painful, and it was only tight on parts of my stomach. The tech started looking around, and said "I'll be right back, there's something I need the doctor to look at." She left, and my mom started asking me if I had felt the baby move. I said yes, just before the exam started. I was nervous, but also excited. I tend to look on the bright side of things. I was trying to convince myself that my baby wasn't doing well, but was still alive and that I would be meeting her that night. I was soooooo wrong... My doctor came in and told us that there was no heart beat. I just broke. How could there be no heartbeat??? My baby had just moved! What could have gone wrong?? She's been prefect the entire pregnancy, she couldn't just be gone like that. Doc started looking around and said that it was either the cord (which was wrapped around her neck) that caused her death, or a placental abruption. There was a dark spot behind the placenta (they've since decided that it was the cord). I had never bled, so I didn't even think there could be anything wrong. The nurses moved us to the opposite side of the office, to have some privacy (I think they also moved us because I was crying so loud and they didn't want to disturb the happily pregnant women). My mom started asking a whole bunch of questions that I can't remember now. All I know is that they were of the medical nature (she's a nurse). We decided to start the induction that night. I just wanted my baby out. I couldn't stand to think that she was inside of me, dead. My body is supposed to create life, not destroy it. 
We got home from the office and I just laid in bed, crying. My husband was speechless, and my mother continued to pack up our apartment (we were moving that weekend to a two bedroom apartment. That's a whole other story, though). We were scheduled for an 8:00pm induction. I unpacked her hospital bag, seeing as how she wouldn't need it. We left for the hospital, and the nurses put us in the largest L&D suit ever. Like, seriously. It could have been three rooms if they wanted. They started me on some sort of pill along with a sleeping aid, and I passed out till the morning. My contractions weren't bothersome, and I hadn't dilated any, so they started the pitocin and I got the epidural as soon as I could. My daughters birth was already going to be traumatizing, I didn't want it to be any worse. I wanted it to be a semi positive experience. Around noon on February 21, they broke my water. There wasn't much of it, and what was there was full of blood and meconium. Around 5:50, I started feeling pressure. I called my nurse in and she's like "let's have a look! How about you try a practice push." So I did, and she immediately told me to stop. She went and called my doctor, who came in a little after 6:00. By 6:09, my beautiful Lillianna Marie had silently entered the world. She was beautiful. The perfect little baby. I had made fun of Mr. Barcenas, always saying that I hoped our baby would have my nose, because it was cuter. She had his but his nose it's really cute in baby form, so that's okay. I held her while my doctor delivered the placenta (he later said it just came right out, it wasn't attached at all) and stitched me up (just one!). A nurse came and took Lilly to be cleaned up while my husband and I just held each other and cried. They brought Lilly back in, and a photographer from NLMDTS came in and took some pictures for us. She also brought us a teddy bear and photographed Lilly with it, so that we could later use the bear to represent her in our family photos (which is why you'll see a bear in our pictures). Once she left and we had said goodbye to our daughter, I got up to shower and use the restroom. It was then that I developed a hematoma. Worst pain in my entire LIFE! I had corrective surgery six weeks later once my doctor realized that it was larger than he has first thought (the size of a baseball! Ouch!). I had started seeing a counselor while I was pregnant for my depression and anxiety, and I still see him since Lilly died. I recently have stopped taking my antidepressants. I'm trying to decide if I still need to be on them or not. I've been off of them for just over a week now, and I've no idea if they're out of my system or what yet. I feel as if I've had more breakdowns since stopping them, but I don't know for sure. I'll have to bring it up in my next counseling session. 
I can tell that I'm doing better now than I was doing six months ago, but I still have hard days. And now it's even harder to see pregnant women who have no worry and are convinced that "that won't happen to me." I used to think the same thing. And now Mr. Barcenas and I are members of an exclusive club we never wanted to join.
I'm going to start using this blog as a place to talk about our baby and my feelings and what not. Of course I'll still use it for updates on us, but I've been told that I make people feel uncomfortable by posting about my feelings and experiences on social media, So, now you all have a choice as to whether or not you want to read it. 
And now, just because I'm like every other mother, I am going to post baby spam. These are the only photos I will ever have of my daughter, and I want to show her off like every other parent. 

 Grandmas first grand-baby

 He can make me smile even on the worst days

This is one of my all time favorite photos. He would be such a great father


  1. She is absolutely beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your husband. 💜

  2. Linked over from yourpregnancy sucks comment on bbc. You said almost exactly what I was thinking. Hugs. So sorry for your loss.