I'm a bit of a bad mom- sorry! I didn't write last weeks letter. There wasn't anything new to say. There still isn't, really. I've been sick all week, hopefully it doesn't hurt you. I'm currently sitting in a doctors office waiting for my flu/strep test results to get back so we can see how to get me feeling better. (They're back, I don't have flu or strep, I just feel terrible. Oh, and one of the only medications they can give me I happen to be allergic to- yay!)
You're still moving around :) and I love every moment of it! You're getting stronger and I've been able to feel you almost every day now. You're father has even felt you once. You were kicking around your placenta, and he got lucky and felt it.
I've stopped researching all the things that can go wrong with an SUA. I'm only looking into preterm labor and premie baby info now. The second to worst thing that I'm expecting to happen is that you'll be a tiny NICU baby. I can handle a tiny NICU baby. You'll be cute if you're tiny! Hopefully you'll be a healthy size, though.
I have started thinking though- I'm kind of sad that I'll never have a "normal" delivery. I'll never be able to experience labor naturally (unless it's preterm and unplanned!). I've always imagined myself like you see it in the movies- the mothers water breaks, and she yells for her husband to grab the bags and the car, saying that "it's time" and "the baby is coming." They're always super sweet moments. And I KNOW real labor isn't anything like that, but I've always wanted to experience that. And I can't. Not safely at least. We will forever and always induce early because of your sisters death. I won't know what a natural labor feels like, because I'll always have a drug induced one (they're supposed to be more intense and painful). And your delivery could very likely be a c-section. With your cord being all funky and me not liking low heart rates, I may demand a cesarean at the first sign of your distress. It's kind of disappointing- not being able to be "normal," always being the odd man out.
I've also been thinking about how I don't fit in with normal moms. I think that I've know since the beginning that I wouldn't fit in with normal moms, though. While pregnant with Lilly, I remember going over to a friends house. There were two mothers there, each with a child under the age of two, and I was the odd one out. I didn't feel comfortable with them, I didn't feel like I could chime in on the conversation since they were talking about their toddling babies. They talked about breastfeeding and baby wearing and what foods their children were eating. I couldn't contribute to the conversation because I had yet to experience those things. I was excited to, and I eagerly listened in to their comments, but I felt like the third wheel.
Just this week, I had a good friend invite me to this huge public prego lady baby shower thing that would be held by the hospital- there'd be raffle tickets, toddler fashion shows, seminars- it really sounds like fun! But then I started thinking- oh yeah, I would be surrounded by hundreds of happily pregnant or newly delivered mothers. All happily ignorant of the things that could go wrong. I would feel compelled to share Lilly's story, to let others know that I had a daughter, as well as a son on the way. But that's depressing, and no one ever knows what to say and they just end the conversation and walk away as fast as they can. *Sigh* Sometimes I really wish I could be normal...
My 22 week baby belly right after a shower! I went back to bed after taking this- being sick while pregnant is hard work!
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