One of those days

Today is one of those days when I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again. I would experience the emotional and physical pain of delivering my stillborn daughter and reliving the hell I've been through just to hold her again. Just to hold her. She wouldn't even have to breath, I just want to feel her weight in my arms again. I would LOVE it if she took a breath and continued on living, but I know thats not possible. Heck, I know going back in time isn't possible, but I would still take the opportunity if it arose.
I have a confession to make.... I can't remember what she looked like. Yeah, I can look at her photos, but I personally cannot remember what she looked like. I can't remember her face as I saw it when I held her. I can remember all the imperfections that have been edited out of her photos. I can remember the feeling of her still weight in my arms. I remember thinking that she was so tiny, and yet so big at the same time. I remember not wanting to jostle her too much. At one point, I let her head tilt, and blood came out of her nose. I was so afraid that I was hurting her. I knew I wasn't, I knew she was gone, and yet the fear was still there. I didn't even unwrap her from the swaddle the nursed brought her to me in. 

Ha. When I was waiting for my photos to get in, I was so worried that I would never know what her butt looked like, or her ears. I never actually LOOKED at them. And I felt like a bad mom. How many other mothers wish they could get a good look at their babies butts? Funny, huh? There are so many things I wish I could go back and redo. I wish I had taken more "bump" photos, more videos of her moving, more recordings of her heart beat. This is the only one I have, and she has the hiccups. I love it so much :) It's from my appointment on December 29, I was in the middle of a non-stress test and she decided to be silly.

I miss her so much. I wish I had gotten to know her better here on earth. I really don't want to have to wait to see her again. I know I have to, but I don't wanna. I just want my baby back.