Dear Baby Bear- week 19

Dear Baby Bear, 



We are now at week 19- officially half way through (because we're delivering at 38)! Now if only the time could fly by for this next half like it has the last. Seriously, it seems just like last week when we finally told everyone that we were expecting. It feels like only last month we found out about you! 
Physically, I'm doing just fine. You’re still growing and seeming to be doing fine. I can find your heartbeat every time I look for it- it may take me a few minutes, but I still find you eventually.
Emotionally, I’m not doing so great. There are so many things that I want to do for you, that I want to get ready for you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I start seriously planning for your future that it's all going to disappear, just like your sisters. I've already started worrying about your delivery and how that's going to go. I realized just the other day, that no matter what- if you live or if you die- I will have to deliver you regardless. And that scares me. Delivering you breathing and crying would be amazing, and I am so ready for that- but if you're stillborn? Like your sister? I don’t know what I would do. That’s the part that scares me. If you were going to have died, I kind of wish you would have died earlier in the pregnancy- where I could have just miscarried you and have never seen your body. I guess this way, no matter what, you’re going to be real. There’s nothing that I can say or do to make you any less real. And I guess that’s for the best, but still. I don’t know what to think most days. My thoughts and feelings are just this big mess that goes back and forth from optimistic to pessimistic. I wish you could just be in my arms already. I’m ready to actively play the role of a mother.
Below, is my comparison of Lilly and you. I was about 20 weeks pregnant with her, and am only 19 with you. It's crazy how much bigger I've gotten this time, and so quick, too!