My feelings and new moms.

It's like everyone around me is getting pregnant, except for me. I now have six friends that are pregnant. And I'm happy for them! I truely am! But I'm also jealous. And I'm hurt that I had to find out some other way than from themselves. None of them told me face to face. It's like they're afraid of hurting my feelings. Well, you know what? Lots of things hurt my feelings. It hurts seeing newborns at the grocery store, at church, on campus. It hurts just passing the baby section in Walmart and Target. It hurts that you're pregnant within your first four months of trying for a baby. It hurts that you get to experience the joy of being pregnant, the morning sickness, the baby bloat, the hormones- all while I'm stuck over here with the pain of rupture cysts and being sick and hormonal because of fertility drugs. It hurts knowing that I will have to watch you and your baby grow together. And it hurts knowing that I'm not going to be joining you for quite a while yet.

But I'm so happy for you- I'm glad that you get to experience the beauty of pregnancy. I'm glad that you are going to have this time to spend with your child. Please, cherish it. You never know how long you will have with you baby. It could be just a few short weeks, or it could be a few years. Maybe even a lifetime. You never know. That's something I wish I had done more while I was pregnant with Lilly- cherishing my time with her. I wish I had paid more attention to her rolling and kicking. I wish I had found joy in the nausea and food aversions. I wish I had never complained about her feet in my ribs. If I could go back in time, I would have found joy in every single little annoying and painful part of my pregnancy with her. Instead of crying because of the back and round ligament pain, I would have recognized that I was experiencing such pain because my daughter was growing, that she was healthy and big and that I should be thankful for the pain and it's meaning. Instead of being annoyed by the kicking that kept me up at night, I would have counted each and every movement and punch and recognized them for how beautiful they were.

So new momas, please, enjoy your pregnancy. Be thankful for the opportunity that you have to give life to a new child. Love that baby from the very beginning and never stop loving them. Find the joy in the not-so-joyful moments of pregnancy. And please, do not be afraid to talk to me! Yes, my daughter died, but I'm just like every other mother. And in case you didn't know, her death is not contagious. Talking to me will not kill your child. I love talking about my pregnancy with Lilly, sharing what little time I had to sustain her life. Please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'm always going to be hurting, it's my new normal. I want to celebrate the life you are creating with you. I want to be happy for you and share in the excitement. 

And, surprisingly, I've found that it's easier to be less sorry for myself if I'm talking to a pregnant mom. It's easier for me to be involved than it is to be watching from afar. So! Talk to me :) feel free to text or message me anytime you feel like. If I'm out with the dogs, come join me! Talk about your baby and your hopes and dreams for them. Tell me about the nursery your are planning, and names you have picked out. I love feeling included. And please remember, I love you all! And I really am happy for you :)