Cold weather

The cold air brings back memories. I went to the grocery store a couple weeks ago and I had to put on my jacket. I hadn't worn this jacket since I was pregnant, and I was slightly surprised when it zipped up easily. I couldn't do that the last time I had worn it eight months ago. I sat myself in the car and had a flashback to when I was happily pregnant. In my minds eye, I could see myself wearing a white long sleeved maternity shirt, my maternity leggings and boots. I imagined myself looking down, and seeing my large rounded stomach getting closer and closer to the steering wheel. I remember being so excited to meet my baby, so excited for the day when Mr. Barcenas and I would be able to drive down Main Street to the hospital to meet our baby girl. 

I remember the day we finally drove down the road to the hospital. It wasn't in happiness or eagerness. It was in sorrow and heart break. We knew our baby girl was gone by then and there was nothing we could do about it. I remember thinking that I just wanted her out- and yet again, I just wanted to hold on. I didn't want to let her go. 

It started snowing today. In the past, I LOVED snow. I loved everything about winter, I loved how I could bundle up, in sweaters and scarves. I feel like winter looks good on me. Now, I don't know. I was heavily pregnant with Lilly last winter. I first knew I had felt her move in the fall, I was about 17 weeks. Winter is when I would receive multiple and continuous kicks from her, constant reassurance that she was there with me. I would sit out with the dogs in subzero temperatures and poke her and wait for her reply. It was my favorite thing to do, bugging her. 
Winter just brings back memories. And they're not bad, really. They more bitter sweet- sweet, because they're memories of my daughter, bitter, because she's not here to enjoy this winter with me. Bitter, because they bring back sad feelings- feelings of longing and desire for what was and what should have been. Bitter, because I can't have what I had wanted more than anything. And I won't be able to have her again, not in this life at least. I have to wait. And I hate waiting.