Expecting Our Rainbow

For those who don't know, A rainbow baby is a child born after pregnancy or infant loss, bringing beauty (like a rainbow) after the storm of child loss. A beautiful rainbow appears when light and rain come together; in other words, when you see a rainbow, the storm is still lingering. While we are still grieving our much loved daughter, we are grateful for the opportunity to once again become parents. We are not healed and dancing on sunshine because I am pregnant again. I am scared. Terrified. But that doesn't mean I don't love this new baby, or that I will no longer love Lilly. I loved this child even before it was conceived. I loved the thought of another child. This baby is beyond precious to me, just as Lilly is precious to me. Lilly is and will always be our firstborn child. She is and will be loved just as much as our other children.But I am scared. I am scared because I remember not even knowing my daughter had died before being told so. I remember the blame and the guilt that had set in after her death. I remember the excitement and expectations I had for her, and they all disappeared within an instant. I remember delivering her silent and perfect body. I remember how the only audibly cries in the delivery room were my own. I was broken- I still am. I lost a million dreams with the loss of my beautiful daughter. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up. And I am afraid that it will happen again. We've made it this far, but we of all people know that there is no safe point in a pregnancy. And the fact that babies aren't safe during infancy has become even more real to me. We've debated over telling people for the longest time. Close family and friends know (Mr. Barcenas doesn't know how to keep quite when he's excited), but that was about it till now. My mom wanted us to just wait till the baby was born and say "Surprise!" I originally wanted to wait until some point past 20 weeks. I've no idea why, I just felt like it was a safe idea. I've really started thinking about it lately, and I've decided that if we lose this baby too, I want to have your support. We have had so much love and kindness shown to us during our hard times with Lilly passing, and I honestly believe it has helped me move forward. And I love that- which is why I am telling you about this new baby.I do have a few requests- please keep your "I'm praying for you" comments to yourself, please. Feel free to pray for us though. I just don't want to know about it. I'm still a God fearing woman, I love Him, I trust in Him, but I have come to realize that prayers mean nothing when He really wants to take a life.Also, it would be FANTASTIC if you read this blog post before commenting. I can pretty much guarantee that I will blow up on you if you say something stupid. My patience is thin, and my emotions are that of a crazy hormonal pregnant woman.