Dear Baby Bear- week 4

Dear Baby Bear,

Hey there baby! You're dad and I found out about you just two days ago- two days! And you've already changed my life so much. Not anything physical, but emotional. You still don't feel real to me- I'm not sick, and you're way too little for me to feel you yet. Maybe things will be a bit better once I know you're there. I'm not saying they're horrible right now, life is just still difficult. I have this problem of hating certain people, and I'm hoping you'll be able to help change that in me. 

I've decided that I'm going to write you a letter each and every week- it will be kinda like you're "bump-date," but of course I'll still take pictures. Right now, you're about four weeks along. Soon enough we will know when you're due to come into our lives. Hopefully you make it into our lives. You're older sister, Lilly, did and didn't. She died just a few days before she was to be born- but you already know this because I'm going to tell you about your sister before you're ever able to read, anyways. 

I've been having such a hard time since she left us. You're father and I wanted to be parents so very much before her, and we still do after her. So hopefully you'll help us fulfill the dream of becoming parents to a living child. 

I can't wait until I know you're real. I've taken eight pregnancy tests and I saw my doctor Friday morning (the morning we found out) for a blood draw. I don't think I would need as much reassurance if I only had symptoms! Baby Bear? Make me sick! Hahaha, I never thought I would be WANTING to be sick! Lilly made me nauseous for six months. Six! I lost twenty five pounds with her- of course I gained it back, though. And then I had constant heartburn after that till I delivered her. I hated it all at the time, but I think it's because I didn't know what I would miss once she was gone. I now miss the sickness and heartburn. I miss the bladder kicks and lung squishing. It's funny how that all works out. 

Baby Bear, don't feel bad if I compare your pregnancy to your older sisters. Yes, she died, but you will live (hopefully)! And it's normal for mothers to compare their pregnancies. I'll probably compare your younger siblings' to yours.

I'm going to do my best to keep you around, baby. I'm going to do everything "right" this time around. No caffein, no baths that are slightly too hot, no hiking with the dogs a week before you're to come home with us, no cleaning with harmful chemicals, no raw meat (even though I love a medium rare steak), no deli meats. I did all of those things with Lilly. And I know they're not what caused her death, but I still feel slightly guilty for doing them. I wonder if I had only done everything perfectly if she would still be here or not. I don't know. And I know it's not good for me to dwell on theses sorts of thoughts. So I will try to hide them away. Daddy says my depressing thoughts are bad for you- I wonder if there's any scientific evidence that it is- I'll have to look it up. 

Do you remember WallE and Eva? 

That may have passed on by the time you get to read this. They each have noticed that I'm pregnant with you. WallE is my jogging partner. You know how he is a bit of a scardy cat? Well, he is now more on edge and protective while on our jogs. And he actually growled at a group of guys when we were jogging past the park! He hasn't done that since I was pregnant with Lilly. And Eva! Oh Eva. I'm sorry baby, but you're going to realize that I play slight favorites with the dogs. She has been way more cuddly than normal- and that's saying something! But I love them both- and I love you! I can't wait till we get to meet you. I'll write again next week. I love you Baby Bear!